Meet for Coffee? I’m Just Not Interested

It feels more like vetting than a date.

I’m jumping back on a dating app March 1st. If it seems funny that I’ve picked an official day to do so, read a piece I just wrote, I Might Celebrate National Breakup Day.

I have my somewhat humorous reasons for an official profile date.

When I do begin dating again…

I’m not interested in meeting a man for coffee.

A few people seem shocked, even offended by this. Before I dive deeper, let me explain how it all unfolded. And people weighed in on meeting a man for coffee or not.

I wrote an article about dating.

This particular article was controversial because of the topic. I said that I Don’t Want Any ENM Men Reaching Out on a Dating App. If you’re not familiar with this acronym it stands for Ethically Non-Monogamous.

I expected people to have strong opinions.

ENM is controversial.

But many took exception with something else I said.

“I don’t want to meet a man for a coffee date.”

It caused a bit of an uproar. Some people thought it was unfair. I thought their comments deserved a well-thought explanation. After all, it’s just my opinion.

No differently than my thoughts about ENM relationships.

To each their own.

No judgement.

If people in marital or other committed relationships choose to openly see other partners, that’s their choice. But it’s not for this girl. When I find a man I love, I want to be with him, and only him.

If that means I’m traditional than so be it.

I’m a one guy girl.

ENM, however, should not be confused with dating multiple people. People who aren’t in a committed relationship date. It’s because they aren’t seriously attached to anyone.

They are trying to find their person.

Or maybe not…because they are commitment shy.

But it’s different than having found your one and only and still wanting others.

Anyway, back to the java.

I have my reasons for not wanting to meet a man for a cup of Joe.

A coffee date feels more like vetting to me. It’s a half in and half out of the dating scene feeling. I’m not strictly speaking monetarily. It feels emotionally semi-invested.

It feels more like a meet and greet.

A chance to make sure this person actually looks like their profile pic. And do I really want to take this person on an actual date?

I understand and respect those who disagree with me.

Coffee dates are widely accepted as a low pressure dating option.

I get it.

But I’ve had several friends who’ve had bad experiences with the java date. They haven’t met guys who are the type of men they hoped to meet. It’s been more of the ‘one nighter’ versus ‘relationship guy.’

Hence, my feeling of low investment both emotionally and financially.

I live in a small town center.

I walk my yellow lab Phyllis daily.

I’ve been the fly on the wall for many a date. I pass coffee shops, sandwich shops, and restaurants every day. To be fair, you can’t always determine whether it’s a first date or not.

But there’s enough signature body language to spot a few.

There’s can be an awkward formality.

And for me personally, while lunch and dinner may be a bigger investment of time and money…it feels more relaxed. The cup of Joe is pleasant but not necessarily comfortable.

It appears even more awkward.

Almost job or interview-ish, even though it’s not.

But this is only my experience and what I’ve witnessed.

The opinion I’ve developed.

I get that not every man wants to dedicate themselves to a bigger ticket item. After all, just like there are guys looking for a one-nighter, there are women looking for a meal.

It’s the reality of the dating world.

And even, vice-versa.

I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying my opinion is for everyone. I’m not saying all dating is created equal. It’s not. We each have to find our own way.

Especially, with online dating.

Every woman and man needs to feel comfortable with the date.

This means the place, the location, and all that goes with it.

I am also a fan of vetting.

It’s not smart to not understand who the individual you are meeting is. I’m all for the background check. I’m just saying I would rather spend a little more time communicating before meeting.

If that means avoiding a coffee date.

I’m talking about texting, talking, or face-timing.

But again, to each his own.

I’m only one girl hoping to meet a good guy.

Just not, over a cup of Joe.