Summary

A wealthy individual is funding an eccentric prison experiment where participants are paid to dance to "The Birdie Song" or Black Lace songs every hour for a month, with the chance to win a million currency units.

Abstract

The article discusses a peculiar experiment where participants are confined to a prison-like setting for a month, with the incentive of earning their regular wages plus a chance at a million-dollar prize if they can endure the duration. The catch is that they must dance enthusiastically to "The Birdie Song" every hour or to Black Lace songs every 30 minutes, as a form of entertainment for a wealthy benefactor. The experiment includes rules such as adding extra days for missed dance sessions and the possibility of reducing prison time by engaging in intense dance sessions in a special cell. The author humorously contemplates their own participation in the challenge, considering the need for physical training and potential psychological aftermath, ultimately concluding they would partake for the prize money.

Opinions

The article opens with a bold statement from Hogan Torah, indicating a strong aversion to the author's writing, setting a humorous and provocative tone.
The author acknowledges the potential irritation caused by "The Birdie Song," offering an alternative with Black Lace songs, albeit with more frequent dance sessions.
The wealthy individual funding the experiment is portrayed as a "mad rich person" whose motive is to alleviate their own boredom.
The author expresses a willingness to undergo the challenge, suggesting a level of absurdity and humor in the situation, while also recognizing the necessity for physical preparation and the likelihood of needing psychological therapy afterward.
The article concludes with a playful threat to the reader, urging them to engage with the content or face a peculiar consequence involving yoghurt consumption.

NO, I’M NOT INSANE, I’VE BEEN TESTED

Imagine Dancing to ‘The Birdie Song’ Every Hour for Money

A bizarre prison experiment like nothing you’ve ever seen before.

By U.S. Department of State from United States — Secretary Pompeo Welcomes the 2019 Kennedy Center Honors Awardees to the State Department, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=84740885

“I’d rather watch cock and ball torture porn than read your story”

- Hogan Torah on something totally unrelated.

A random way to start an article, but it got your attention, right?

Anyway, let’s dive into this like Hogan Torah would dive into a cold bowl of jelly on a hot day.

Arse candles.

What?

I don’t know…

Imagine the scenario…

You’re in prison. Not because you’ve done anything wrong. You’re taking part in a weird experiment. A wealthy lunatic is funding it to keep himself amused. Anything to ease the tedium of being alive.

So, you’re in there for a month. If you have to take time off work, you are paid your normal wages during the month. If you’re unemployed, you’re paid whatever the average wage is for where you live.

If you win the challenge, you get awarded a million dollars or pounds or yen or whatever your country’s currency is.

There can be more than one winner because you win by managing to stick it out for the whole month. There are 50 contestants, so if all 50 win it, the mad rich person has to pay $50 million. But that’s only like $0.50 to you or me.

But there’s a catch:

Every hour, The Birdie Song is played, and you must dance to it enthusiastically.

Can’t stand The Birdie Song?

It’s totally understandable if The Birdie Song makes you want to rip your own ears off. Don’t worry, there is an alternative — you can dance to Black Lace songs. But it will be every 30 minutes instead of only once an hour.

But wait, there’s more!

The music plays every hour, 24 hours a day.
You must dance every time it plays. Any time you miss dancing to it, another day gets added to your time in the prison.
You must dance enthusiastically. No halfhearted attempts or dancing sarcastically. You must look like you’re enjoying yourself, even if you’re dying inside.
You can reduce your time in prison by going into the “Cell of Intense Dancing”. In there, you can dance continuously for a whole hour. Every hour you successfully do this reduces your prison time by one day.
But the longest you can do that in one stretch is 8 hours. For health and safety reasons. In preliminary experiments on the rich lunatic’s family, dancing for longer than 8 hours caused them to collapse from exhaustion or go completely insane. Or both.
You need to be careful. An extended session of intense dancing might leave you too tired to do the normal regular hourly dancing. You could end up right back where you started.

Would I do this?

I would. But I would make sure I trained during the weeks leading up to it. I’d need to make sure I was fit enough to be able to do that much enthusiastic dancing.

Once I’d completed the challenge, I would gladly take the £1 million. I would then spend half of it on psychotherapy.

Would you do this?

Give me your answer now, or I will come round your house and eat all the yoghurt in your fridge.