avatarHogan Torah

Summary

The author expresses frustration with the quality of content on Medium and the time-consuming requests from other writers, preferring to focus on their own writing and success.

Abstract

The author, having achieved a measure of success on Medium, is critical of the platform's content and the distractions posed by other writers seeking assistance or collaboration. They assert that success on Medium comes with the burden of dealing with "energy vampires" who make endless requests, such as invitations to edit publications or participate in podcasts, which the author routinely declines. The article outlines specific reasons why the author chooses not to engage with certain stories, including grammatical errors, unimaginative titles, self-centered content, and the use of clichéd or "woke" idioms. The author advocates for originality and discourages writers from following trends or copying others, suggesting that a unique approach is key to standing out on the platform.

Opinions

  • The author has a cynical view of Medium's success, equating some of the requests for collaboration to "energy vampires."
  • They have a low tolerance for grammatical errors and poor title choices, which they see as indicators of subpar content.
  • The author is critical of stories that are self-congratulatory or that promise unoriginal insights.
  • They express disdain for the use of cartoon or bitmoji profile pictures, suggesting a lack of professionalism.
  • The author believes that writers should be able to pronounce each other's names, hinting at a preference for authenticity.
  • They are dismissive of stories that use trendy phrases or overused Unsplash images, indicating a preference for creativity and originality.
  • The author encourages writers to differentiate themselves and not to imitate others, emphasizing the importance of unique content.

I’d Rather Watch Cock And Ball Torture Porn Than Read Your Story

Begone energy vampires, I got shit to write

Photo by Kindel Media from Pexels

Medium success isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’ve written two books worth of content in the last year figuring out how to connect with readers. I’ve been peacocking it up on fifteen different social media sites while watching cock and ball torture porn in the background to get to the top.

With success on Medium comes a little bit of money and and a bunch of energy vampires. People wanting to steal your precious time with endless requests.

“Do you want to be an editor for my pub?”

No.

“Do you want to be on my podcast?”

No.

“Will you read…”

Fuck no.

At least the other two have some benefit for me. If I want to read your story I will. I don’t have time to help everyone who asks me.

I don’t know why nobody is reading your story. But these are the reasons I choose not to click on a story in my feed.

  • There’s a grammatical error in the title or subtitle. This includes improper capitalization and punctuation.
  • Your title starts with How and the story is about you. These stories never give any insight on how the person did it. It’s the literary equivalent of whipping your dick out in public and standing there for 5 minutes admiring it.

How I Wrote A Story That Made 7,987 Dollars — I’m guessing you used an electronic device to google a good story and rewrote it. Then again you published your story in Illumination so you’re probably just full of shit.

  • Your story is writing about writing. Popular writers didn’t start out writing about writing. Unless you’re a top writer in multiple categories you don’t know what your talking about and are just regurgitating what you hear.
  • The title promises the answer to a question I can already answer.

The One Thing You Need To Know About Coconut Water Right Now — It tastes like diluted jizz. No need to read that six minute story.

  • The story is about you succeeding. I don’t care about you, nobody here does. You’re delusional if you think otherwise. If it’s about you failing that’s different. That I might read.
  • Your profile picture is a cartoon or a bitmoji. Are you twelve?
  • If I can’t pronounce your name, I’m not reading it. There, I said it. I’m not saying I won’t read stories by people who’s first language isn’t English. I enjoy the writing of Vico Biscotti and Walid AO but I know how to pronounce their names. Those aren’t their real names and Hogan Torah isn’t mine. You can do that you know.
  • You used a woke idiom in the title. Like harsh truths or flexing on the Insta or sliding into my DMs.
  • You used one of the Unsplash images of laziness.
Dan in the Red Sweater, Uncle Dick, and OH SHIT A PHONE! Michelle.
That fucking typewriter, Timmy my literary agent, and Starbucks the dog

To sum it up, check out the title of my first story ever on Medium.

Your Title is Dull, Your Content is Boring, And You Sound Like A Jerk

I didn’t know back then what I was talking about either. Now I do, sorta. And I guessed right.

You want advice? Do something different. Don’t be a sheep. You can write about anything you want on Medium. Stop copying other people.

Now here’s Remington Write’s story I borrowed this concept from. Her viewpoint and bullet points are different so it’s not stealing. Read it, it’s good.

Advice
Social Media
Humor
Writing
Society
Recommended from ReadMedium
avatarJennifer Hartmann
The Question That Ended My Marriage

In a rare moment of vulnerability, I asked my husband this question, and knew I’d just empowered us to divorce.

6 min read
avatarHogan Torah
His Final Words Were Hard to Read for All the Wrong Reasons

Ed Piskor responds to grooming allegations in his suicide note

6 min read
avatarRahab's Lineage, the unspeakable told
Incest: one, two, three, four…

5 min read
avatarColleen Sheehy Orme
A Man Just Asked Me Out and Included This Provision

I can’t believe I turned down his offer

3 min read
avatarMcKenna Meyers
After Their Baby Died in 120 Degree Weather, They Immediately Set Up a GoFundMe Page

Dealing with shame is devastating, but feeling no shame is worse

6 min read
avatarNatalieSugabelle
The Second White Guy I Dated

Whew, Is All I Can Say!

10 min read