Absolutely Fucking Insane
Breaking News: Oprah Winfrey Buys Northern Ireland for $500 Million
British Prime Minister says, “We’ve had enough, you’re fucking welcome to it!”
It was a move that surprised many, including those closest to Ms Winfrey. But it looks like it could actually be the solution everyone’s been looking for all these years.
UK Prime Minister calls a press conference
“This is truly amazing! After 100 years of the people of Northern Ireland fighting over whether they are British or Irish, they will now be American. Not only will Oprah now own all the land, but it will also become the 51st state of the United States of America. This is a monumental step in the right direction.”
Silence and bemused looks from the audience, shortly followed by hushed mutterings.
“Errr….yes…so, um…what this now means is that everyone there can now legally own guns. This is great because people can now defend their land against invaders by shooting them.”
More silence from the audience.
One of Boris’s advisers leans across and whispers in his ear. “Errr, they’ve already been doing that for many years, sir. That’s the problem.”
Boris turns around, a surprised look on his face. “Is it? Err…I mean…have they? Oh, right….umm…well, in that case, perhaps we should all get around a table and try to talk our way towards another solution.”
“We already did that, sir. Over 20 years ago.”
“Oh, did we? Hmmm….yes, well, I don’t see why we can’t just give it back to the Irish, make Ireland whole again.”
“Yes, we suggested that, but many people don’t like that idea.”
“Don’t they? Whyever not? What the devil is wrong with them?”
“Well, about half the people there consider themselves British. We can’t just force them to change their national identity.”
“Oh, right, I see….hmmm….” Boris turns round to face the audience again.
Everyone is staring at him in bemused silence.
He ruffles through his papers to find something sensible to say. “Errr…I’m sorry, please forgive me…ummm…”
Meanwhile, on the other side of the Atlantic…
At Winfrey HQ, Oprah is holding her very own press conference and spiritual awakening vibration ceremony.
“I’m so delighted about this! Not only am I going to own all the land, but I’m also going to be the new state governor. It’s going to be AWESOME!!!!”
The crowd cheers, applauds and whoops like deranged wild animals. Because that’s what excitable extraverted Americans do whenever anyone famous says anything remotely interesting.
“Will Smith is going to be my deputy, Jim Carrey will be in charge of art, Dr Oz will be in charge of health, Dr Phil will be in charge of ‘getting real’, and Eckhart Tolle will set up ashrams in all the towns and villages, including an extra big one in that really scary village right near the border.”
More cheers and whoops!
“Meditation will become compulsory!”
The crowd go wild!
“Man, you ain't seen nothin’ yet! There will be no more violence. Problems will no longer really be problems. Because as Tolle says, all problems are illusions of the mind!”
The crowd start jumping up and down on their seats with joy!
“You will be happy and calm! ALL THE TIME! If you’re not, you will be arrested and sent to jail!”
WHOOP! WHOOP!
“All the unhappy negative people will be locked away, to keep them from infecting the rest of us with their negative vibrations. Everyone will have a special app on their phone. If you’ve been within 2 meters of someone who has recently been diagnosed with Negative Vibrations Disorder, you will be quarantined for 2 weeks, given medication, psychotherapy, colonic irrigations, teeth whitening, fake tan (even if you’re already dark-skinned), and told by Dr Phil to ‘get real’ and ‘formulate a new life plan that puts you in the driver’s seat rather than in the trunk’.”
WHOOP! WHOOP!
“And I’m giving everyone who stays calm and happy for a whole month a FREE CAR!”
The crowd go so insane with excitement, it actually gets a bit dangerous. Several people pass out and collapse. Several women have the overwhelming urge to hug as many people as possible. One man gets so excited he runs around screaming “I AM MY OWN GOD” until he accidentally runs into a glass door, knocking himself out.
Oprah sits back down in her chair with a calm smile on her face. As she exhales a big sigh, she quietly says to herself, “life will give me whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of my consciousness.”
Roll end credits…
