25 Hilariously Insane Things Randomly Shouted by Someone with Tourette’s Syndrome
WARNING: Many of these are disgusting and/or offensive (contains swearing)
Have you ever heard of Touretteshero?
It is the superhero alter-ego of Jess Thom, a British woman with Tourette’s syndrome. She constantly says “biscuit” when she’s talking, and randomly shouts many hilarious things. She’s essentially a human random idea generator.
By the way, in case you’re wondering whether this seems cruel, it’s not. Jess herself celebrates her Tourette’s tics. She posts them on her website and wants us to laugh if we find them funny.
“100% of cum is flavored by mice”
I don’t know how the mice manage to flavor the cum. Maybe they inject men’s testicles with flavoring while they are asleep?
“14 rows of kittens on crack”
I don’t know whether this would be fun, cute, or terrifying. Crack cocaine causes euphoria, so it could just mean the kittens are extremely happy. But what if they are all meowing loudly with delight? It could get noisy!
But also, who the hell gave these kittens crack in the first place?
“90% of donkeys are sheep”
Well, this is certainly news to me! The first question that comes to mind is: where did the sheep get all the donkey costumes from?
Also, each pretend donkey would need to contain multiple sheep within the donkey costume. How do they manage to arrange themselves properly? And does this mean there are actually far more sheep in the world than we realized?
“Derren Brown is in the room, shut your mind”
Yes, Derren can read minds (or at least he pretends to), so if he is nearby you need to stop thinking. Or at least, try to stop thinking naughty thoughts. But is it possible to control your thoughts anyway?
“Totally adjustable legs”
These would be extremely useful if you suddenly wanted to look over a high wall. Or if you wanted to kick someone who is far away. You shouldn’t kick people, though. Kicking people is nasty.
“Can all homosexuals please report to the front desk”
How dare you! That’s an awful thing to say! The out-of-control Tourette’s part of Jess’s brain should be ashamed of itself.
“Everybody needs a squirrel wearing leggings in their life”
I didn’t know I needed that, but thanks! I can’t imagine anybody has ever been able to put leggings on a squirrel. If you know of anybody who has, please let me know.
“Don’t wash your toaster in the bath”
This is definitely good advice. You don’t want to end up getting electrocuted.
“I have a bum I don’t use very much”
This means different things depending on where you’re from. If you are in the UK, where Jess is from, bum means ass, so this means she’s constipated. In the US, it means homeless person, and this then takes on a darker meaning.
“SpongeCake BobPants”
I think this one is self-explanatory.
“I believe I can fuck your mum’s doorstep in 1984”
Well, first of all, you will need a time machine, and second of all, how the hell does someone fuck a doorstep?
“I don’t have Tourettes. I have a cat in my mind.”
Ahh, that explains everything, especially if that cat is on crack.
“My mum’s on a roller-coaster in Scotland, trapped by a bear”
How unfortunate! She goes on vacation to Scotland, visits an amusement park, and when she rides the roller-coaster, a bear climbs on top of her and won’t let her get off.
“Search for my soul on a database made of hay”
I might need to get back to you on that one. I’m not sure it’s possible, but I’ll let you know.
“Steal a dog, take it to the circus, train it to do mum’s Christmas shopping”
So. Many. Questions.
Mind. In. Chaos.
“Deep-fried cum”
I think you’ll have difficulty trying to find a restaurant that’s willing to serve you that. And if you do, the chef will probably get arrested and the restaurant shut down — so eat the fried cum quickly before the police arrive!
“Don’t kick the egg”
Exactly! I mean, who the hell wants egg on their foot?!
“I’m making biscuits out of crack cocaine and marzipan”
To feed to the kittens? I’m not sure whether cats like marzipan, though. Does anybody know?
“Shake your fist at a dog’s scrotum”
No, I don’t want to! I’m scared the dog might rub its scrotum against my hand!
“Think of a number between 4 and 10. Divide it by 10. Rape it up the wall.”
What??? How is it possible to rape the number 0.6? Or any number, for that matter.
“FedEx your mum to Sudan”
What an unkind thing to do! She’s going to arrive there, get unpacked, and wonder what the hell is going on.
“I lied about my age once, to a donkey”
Are you sure it was a donkey? It was probably a sheep in disguise. Either way, I doubt it understood what you were saying.
“I’m made of Cheese. I’m almost 100% Cheese.”
I’m sorry but I just don’t believe you. I say you’re 45% cheese at the most.
“If you’re happy and you know it, cut your cock off”
No! I refuse! I’m not cutting any part of my body off, least of all my cock!
“Stuff my mouth with pencils”
If you really want me to, I will, but it could get rather uncomfortable.
I’ll leave you with a video of Jess Thom being interviewed by Russell Howard:
If you’re thirsty for even more of her after that, and you have a lot more time to spare, here she is on Richard Herring’s Leicester Square Theatre Podcast:
More from me…
- 42 of the Most Horrifically Insane Things You Shouldn’t Do to Yourself
- Simon Tries an Experimental Medical Treatment and Ends Up Being Alone in the Bathroom
- Papa Don’t Preach, I’m in the Park Looking for an Imaginary Orchestra
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