Funny Quotes & Video Clips

My Top 10 Favourite Hilariously Insane Things Said by Karl Pilkington

“It wouldn’t happen… There hasn’t been one publication by a monkey”

Karl Pilkington is absolutely hilarious, just by being himself.

Of course, there’s long been a debate about whether he’s genuinely that stupid. But regardless, many of the things he’s said have caused Ricky Gervais to fall off his chair laughing. Let’s take a look at some of those things.

Quotes are taken from goodreads.com, inews.co.uk, inspiringquotes.us, and screenrant.com.

“It wouldn’t happen… There hasn’t been one publication by a monkey”

This comes from a conversation he had with Ricky about the nature of infinity. They’ve spoken about this several times over the years. The first time I saw them talk about it was in an interview that was an extra on Ricky’s 2003 live DVD Animals. Here is a clip:

I think he’s being 100% genuine there. I think he really can’t grasp the concept and genuinely disagrees with Ricky about this.

“Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don’t know if I’m in charge of mine.”

This comes from a conversation on The Ricky Gervais Show podcast, which was later made into an animated series. He was referring to how things randomly pop into his mind when he’s not trying to think of them. He regards his brain as being separate from him.

I can sort of see both sides of the argument here. Ricky is correct when he says that it’s just the brain reminding the brain. Karl is not separate from his brain.

But different parts of the brain do different things. In this example, it was Karl’s subconscious mind that remembered the onion and then he became consciously aware of it. It’s all happening in Karl’s brain, but it feels separate because it’s different parts of the brain.

On meeting his own doppelganger: “How would I know which one I was?”

Here they were discussing doppelgangers — when people have physically identical doubles. Karl gets confused by this idea. He says that if two people looked exactly like him, he wouldn’t be sure which one was him.

On Chinese people: “They just wreck everything. They make everything weird… There’s no logic to anything that they do… Everything that we’ve done, they’ve gone, ‘right, we’re gonna do it weirder’.”

This is from the beginning of the first episode of An Idiot Abroad. Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant are sending Karl to China, and he’s worried. He’s worried that he might go there and eat a bit of toad, like it, and then not be able to get toad when he returns home.

“I will kick a panda in the bollocks if I have to”

This is another one from An Idiot Abroad. In episode three of season three, he and Warwick Davis visit a panda reserve in China. They see that pandas get shown panda porn to try to get them in the mood for mating. Then Karl and Warwick dress up in panda costumes.

This particular quote comes from when Karl was saying that the panda might try to fight him. He says that if the panda does attack him, he will kick it in the bollocks.

Another funny thing he says here is, “I’m not wanking off a panda.”

“Last week, I just sat in the garden, slavering…just to see if it would ever run out. It’s amazing! I don’t know where it all comes from.”

In an episode of The Ricky Gervais Show, Ricky was talking about footballers. He was saying how they often spit when out on the pitch. Karl then starts to tell them how he once sat in the garden letting saliva drop from his mouth. He was there for 15 minutes, waiting to see if it would ever dry out.

“If somehow we can inject something in a body that’s just died…”

This follows on from an idea Karl had before. He had been thinking about how we can improve on the birth and death process. He came up with the idea of: when someone dies, a new baby pops out of them. This would ensure that there’s always the same number of people alive.

In this particular conversation, he comes up with a new version. Instead, when someone reaches the end of their life, they then relive their life in reverse. They will then get younger instead of older.

As Ricky said at the time, “I’m really scared. This is the maddest thing you’ve ever said.”

“Why didn’t evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?”

This one comes from an episode of their old radio show. In the clip, we hear that Karl also said that one day you would be able to have a chat with a yoghurt.

It just goes to show how Karl doesn’t understand the evolutionary process. Karl also thinks mermaids are the evolutionary step between fish and humans. And that if we hadn’t have invented planes, we naturally would have evolved the ability to fly.

“Did I tell you about the immune system? It’s amazing!”

In this clip from the podcast, Steve is reading from Karl’s diary. Karl woke up one morning, turned to look at his girlfriend Suzanne, and said, “Did I tell you about the immune system? It’s amazing!”

“A dog has got human eyes”

Another conversation from The Ricky Gervais Show. He was talking about how other animals are less like us than dogs. He says he doesn’t trust jellyfish because they haven’t got any eyes.

Bonus clips

Here are some more funny clips of Karl to give you a few extra laughs:

Which one of these made you laugh the most? Or do you have a different one that you would like to share? Let me know. I would love to hear your thoughts about Karl.

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