I Stopped My Friend from Drunk Texting

Guess who she had to stop the next night?

“Don’t do it,” I say.

“I’m just going to text him real quick,” says my friend.

“Don’t do it,” says our other friend.

We’ve just returned from a night out. Two of us are running interference. We’re ready to grab our friend’s phone away from her. We know she’ll regret this in the morning. Fortunately, she’s tired and goes to bed.

Drunk texting successfully averted.

For at least one night.

Guess who can’t keep her fingers to herself the next night?

Moi!

And wait until you hear my lame justification for it.

I’m not typically a drunk text girl. Okay, in the matter of full disclosure, during my long and abusive divorce I had some extremely weak moments. But usually I can put the phone down.

Or hide it until morning.

A strategy I adopted during my divorce.

Keep the cell away from the chardonnay. No seductive screen close to the Smirnoff. No phone near the Fireball. No potential embarrassment lurking near the Heineken.

But I’m human, I drink, and I love my phone.

So the drunk text happens.

“I’m just going to send a picture,” I say.

“No!” say my friends. “Don’t do it!”

“It’s a picture,” I say. “It’s not the same as a drunk text.”

“Yes, it is,” they chime in.

We’re walking through the cutest little town. I decide I’m going to do a survey. Albeit an inebriated survey. I’m going to poll a few strangers as we make our way to the next watering hole.

A couple is walking in front of us.

“Is sending a pic the same thing as a drunk text?” I ask.

“Absolutely,” they both say.

Well, that’s disappointing.

I decide to look for some other unsuspecting prey.

My friends are laughing and to be fair, so am I. But I think I’m in control. I’m not randomly and uncontrollably sending a text. I’m doing some grape-infused research first.

I’ve got my act together, don’t I?

Or at least, my fingers under control for the moment.

I enthusiastically weave my way down the side walk, in and out of friendly people. They are more than willing to answer my drunk text poll. But I’m not pleased with their responses.

Worse, a bunch of them are pretty young.

Aka, drunk text experts.

They know what they’re talking about.

It’s a universal YES!

Sending a pic is the same as sending a drunk text.

I’m tenaciously looking for at least one tie-breaker. Okay, to be transparent, I’m really looking for just one person to agree with me. I catch a girl as she’s getting into her car.

“Can I ask you something?” I say.

“Sure,” she says.

“Sending a pic isn’t the same as sending a drunk text, is it?” I ask.

See what I did here?

I’ve re-worded my question to include some doubt.

I’m a clever poll-taker after a winery meets concert night.

“It’s the same,” she says.

“Ugh,” I say. “Are you sure?”

The next thing I know, the driver and the back seat passengers are registering their responses. And it’s not going in this wannabe ‘drunk text pic girl’s’ favor.

The cars behind them honk their horns.

It’s time for me to cry uncle.

These poor people are trying to exit a parking lot.

My friends and I get to the bar.

“We told you so,” say my friends.

“Okay,” I get it. “You’re right. I’m not doing it.”

In my defense, if I have this much self-control could it really be a drunk text?

Okay, I’m still lying to myself.

I know I won’t be happy in the morning. There’s something desperate about the drunk text. Fortunately, the one’s I’ve sent in the past aren’t embarrassing. They’ve been to people I’ve known forever.

Not a guy who doesn’t know me well enough to look the other way.

Although he does have a great sense of humor.

Thankfully, my friends have a girl’s back. I get out of the night successfully. We are two for two. We’ve kept a girl’s dignity intact the entire weekend. Good for us.

And we’ve learned something about ‘the drunk text.’

In hindsight, I should’ve qualified ‘the pic’ I was talking about. This drunk text goody two shoes was talking about a regular pic. One simple photo chronicling our night out.

NOT a PIC!

No sexy suggestive pics from this girl, sorry if that bores you.

I’m going to have re-take my survey one night after I’m into the grape again. I’m going to have to be more specific. Is a generic group pic out with friends, the same as a sexy snap?

My guess would be no — so maybe it wasn’t actually a drunk text no-no.

There I go again, looking for people to agree with me.

The next day my friend calls me.

It turns out she got home and sent a drunk text.

Who could’ve known.

All of that after a night of polls, strangers, and dissecting drunk texts. All of that after successfully getting her to keep her fingers to herself the night before.

But she’s human, she drinks, and she loves her phone.

The drunk text happens.