I Stopped Caring about Victims and Got My Power Back
Get off the trauma bus. Here’s how to heal.
Does it make me sound like a heartless bastard?
To not be caring for victims. Aren’t we taught to help others and be empathetic from a young age?
I was looking to help (or rescue) other people, not for their sake, but for my own selfish purposes.
My life changed when I stopped putting on my Superman cape and jumping in, unasked, to aid helpless victims.
How It Played Out
I had one girlfriend who had been out of her marriage for 5 months and who had just started a beauty business. She was hyper-vigilant, reactive, and stressed out of her eyeballs. Victim #1.
Another was a recovering alcoholic (I didn’t know this until later) who had done time in a psychiatric institution (which I also didn’t know until after we broke up.) Victim #2.
Then another was getting a divorce throughout the relationship, who had a low-paying job and thought I was of great utilitarian value. I was the walking lottery ticket. Victim #3.
Finally, victim #4 was mom. As a kid, I took on the role of big daddy. And managed her “poor me” emotional states.
Where It Started
What is your family role?
The acting role you took on to gain love and appreciation. To feel important and needed by your caregivers.
Your negative love syndrome in all its glory.
As moved into my teenage years and then an adult, I did not know I had taken on the rescuer’s role in the family.
In the last 5 years, I have gone Inspector Clouseau in this self-appointed family role. And found some startling clues which lead me to solve this case.
Clue # 1 — I am no mathematician but it’s a triangle
There was a bloke called Stevie Karpman who put together a triangle. I was told about this by another bloke in a men’s group, which was a life-changing realization.
In Karpman’s drama triangle, you have 3 acting roles that are interchangeable. They are:
- Persecutor — In this performance a person criticizes, attacks, stonewalls, and judges the victim. And they felt guilt when in the rescuer’s role from persecuting the victim.
- Rescuers–Saving the victim from their problems. They see themselves as superior to the poor victim. They need to fix their victim. Self-righteousness reigns supreme.
- Victim — In the role of being powerless. Don’t take responsibility for their life so the other two roles take control in this self-created vacuum.
I saw myself playing all roles at varying times. With varying “success”.
Clue 2# — Britany knows it’s: Don’t you know that you’re toxic?
After digging a little deeper, I found family roles are born out of toxic shame.
Toxic shame is the all-encompassing sense that there is something wrong with me as a person. It cuts deep into the essence of who I am.
Sitting deep inside my underbelly was feelings of worthlessness and being unlovable.
I couldn’t reveal who I was, so I took on the role of the rescuer and persecutor but because of taking on these roles as a kid internally, I bore the weight of feeling like the victim for having to take on these roles.
I thought “I am only a kid. Why am I doing all this heavy lifting for my mom?”
But wait, there is more
We do not limit family roles to only the above 3.
What were the family roles you took on to gain the love you craved?
- Good child
- Pretty girl
- Smart child
- Athletic kid
- Sounding board
- Surrogate Spouse
- Best friend
Unfortunately, there is a long list. Fortunately, if you are aware of the roles, you can then understand the negative impact on your life. Which ignites change.
Be on the lookout
Various defenses may rear their ugly head in this process.
- Denial — well, my dad was sad. I wanted to make him happy. What is wrong with that?
- Rationalization — I think it’s good my dad pressured me to get A’s at school because that’s why I have a high-paying job and bought this big house.
The outcome of the associated behaviors from the role may have resulted in what society thinks to be things of value: money, promotions, big job, and helping others.
But, you are acting out from roles that are not you. You are doing things you don’t want to do. Your needs and wants are not being met. You are the victim in all these roles.
We then passed the patterns on to your children. As they were to you.
And the best supporting Oscar goes to…
Behaviors supported the family roles you took on.
What behavioral patterns did you display that supported your role?
Behaviors that would support the role of being the ‘good girl’ are always smiling, avoiding confrontation, not asserting one’s needs, and avoiding conflict.
The role of rescuer took on the behavior of a walking ATM for one, for another. It was being a shoulder to cry on for how badly they were treated by their ex-husband.
Dig a little deeper
The behavioral patterns didn’t pop out of thin air Houdini style. They were learned behaviors.
Which parent did you learn these behaviors from? Mom, dad, a surrogate?
Pony up
The way out of functioning from patterns is through taking responsibility. A way to take responsibility is to see a problem by understanding your role in the vicious cycle.
By mapping out the vicious cycle, you see your part in how you self-sabotage your life.
The patterns cluster together. Acting from one pattern, leadings into acting out of other patterns.
Creating familiar outcomes. Similar thoughts, feelings, and behaviors mark the experiences.
When I don’t make eye contact, I withdraw. Then I become reserved. Giving the appearance of being cold and superior.
Inside, though, I feel ashamed to show myself in the world. There is a sense of anxiety that isn’t seen by others.
The Sex Pistols
Sid Vicious yelled, “I am not vicious. I am kind.” Similarly, you are not vicious and you are kind.
But when caught in a vicious cycle, the negative energetic pattern sucks you in and the patterns become more powerful.
3 years ago, a car cut me off. I immediately got angry (1) and swore out loud (2). I ducked around him and cut him off (3). He then drove up next to me and sarcastically clapped towards me inside his car. This made me feel angrier (3). I stuck my finger up at him (4) and yelled (5) toward him.
The patterns of anger and trying to dominate another person I learned from dad. When I acted out in anger, it created more anger.
If I didn’t act out on that anger, this situation would have never happened. Know your starting role in starting the vicious cycle.
Final thoughts
When I realized I didn’t have to rescue another person, it lifted a weight from my shoulders. Energetically, I could feel this shift.
If I don’t jump into “helping” someone immediately, I can sit back and see what would be of assistance to them.
Moving through life like a zombie is easily done. Shine the light of awareness on the apocalypse. The awareness gives freedom and opens you to new behaviors.
Freedom to live from a place that is your true essence.
Throw off the shackles of regrets from the past and anxiety for the future. Live a life of spontaneity, and follow your dreams. Be open to fresh adventures and possibilities.