This One Problem Is Destroying Your Relationships — Drop It like Your Life Depends on It
You aren’t selfish in a relationship. You don’t understand Transference.
I married my mom several times. I will explain.
Does your partner have similar qualities to your opposite-sex parent?
Do they piss you off in the same way as this parent?
It’s a good thing you said yes to one at least one of these questions. Spare a thought for those that didn’t. It means we caught them in an unconscious pattern.
The good thing is there is a way out. And it’s nothing that will cause a massive upheaval in your life (but it may be in theirs.)
The academic boffins with those large puffy hats in psychology use a word called transference to explain why you married your opposite-sex parent. It spreads across a lot of relationships.
What is transference?
Transference is when you, normally unconsciously, see the other person as either your mom or dad.
It’s a semi-hypnotic state, like when a Hypnotist gets people on stage to act like a chicken.
The cues of the other person cause you to put your chicken head on.
What causes transference to take place?
You see one or more aspects in a person, which is like your parent. This then triggers your pattern to come out to play.
Similar aspects could be:
- Tall with brown spikey hair.
- Loud, deep booming voice.
- Crazy curly hair.
- Always smiling.
- Rebels against authority.
What is important is that you perceive them in this way.
Patterns and why you adopted them
You took on the patterns your parent had to get close to them. The patterns were their negative behaviors.
Patterns are things like:
- Being negative
- Critical
- Self judgemental
- Dominate
- Passivity
Sounds messed up, but it’s true. Babies don’t start organizations against people that kill animals. They aren’t born with a sense of superiority and judgemental of others.
Deep dive
There are 3 types of transference.
- Negative transference — You throw out your negative emotions associated with your parent onto your partner, boss, or friend.
- Positive transference — You project positive (fake) emotions, idealization (my dad is a God), and love associated with your parent from when you were a kid to another person.
- Countertransference — When you project your parental pattern stuff onto someone, that person then reacts to the patterns associated with their parents. This is how an argument with your partner typically plays out.
Why you married your parent
You do what is known to you. You cannot do what you don’t know.
You seek to have the love you craved and didn’t receive from a parent through your intimate partner.
For over 25 years, I had multiple relationships with women, who had a lotof problems. Two had recently separated from their husbands. I attracted and got into relationships with women that played the role of victims.
I stepped in with my superman cape to save the day — the savior/rescuer pattern.
I picked up this pattern from my dad, who played this role.
My mom and I played this role together. When I saw this continually playing out in my life, it was a lightbulb moment.
Relationship after relationship getting into a partnership with a woman that was my mom.
So I have patterns, and they continue to play out in my life as an adult every day and with a lot of people, I interact with. Now what?
Throw yourself into the process
Conscious effort is required to extricate yourself. The patterns have powerful energetic claws.
Once done, you can then act from your essential self. Live in the moment and be spontaneous.
#1. Awareness
Identify Patterns. List the 25 worst patterns from your mom and dad. See which ones you also display.
Pattern Tracing. When you experience a negative emotion in relation to interacting with another person, identify which pattern they ignited. Think back to which parent this is related to and what experiences may have caused this.
#2. Expression
Once aware of what is playing out in you need to express the emotion. Effective practices include:
- Dancing
- Shaking
- Bashing primal therapy style
#3. Compassion & Forgiveness
To move on from the source of the patterns. Write out what you know and best guesstimate your parents’ childhood.
You may discover that they were acting out patterns they took on from your grandparents.
When I thought about how negative my grandma was, it made sense how my mom is like that (and how I was.)
When you understand their suffering, forgiveness will naturally flow. If done completely, you will feel an energetic shift inside. A softness will descend over you.
I wrote 5 pages for each parent. The process takes time and effort, but it’s worth the investment.
#4. New Behavior
Take on new ways of being to achieve your goals and dreams as part of a larger vision.
Recycling. To embody the new behaviors, the Hoffman Process uses a technique called Recycling. It’s an embodied process that allows you to feel and visualize new behaviors that are precursors to creating your vision.
Vow. I have made a vow to myself that I throw myself into my various personal projects wholeheartedly. People now comment on how they are inspired by seeing me go after my goals.
Vision. The unconscious responds to images. As whoo whoo as it sounds, I have a vision board. I see the images of a rural property with a large veggie patch, big golden $$ pictures, and a kid’s book. Holding images in your mind sends a powerful message to the mind at a deep level.
Groups. Be part of community groups with people that have similar interests or aspire to achieve similar goals.
Interests/passions. Do those activities you used to do when you are younger. Now.
I used to love writing as a teen but gave it up. For the last 12 months, it’s been one of the major focuses in my life. I have met some wonderful people. It radically energized my life.
Concluding thoughts
You may joke around saying to your partner “oh that’s something my dad/mom would do.” This type of deflection is a death by a thousand cuts.
The royal road to transformation lies at your own feet. See why transference is playing out. There is no need to get a divorce or separate from your partner.
When you take responsibility for the root cause of the deep-rooted shame and hurt, your perception and responses change naturally toward your partner.
You will set in motion the wheels for an ever-expanding depth in the relationship and with all those with you, come in contact.