Do These Things to Become an Addiction-Free Person
Re-engineer your addictions using the negative love map
Over the years I became addicted to many things: porn, yoga, chocolate, pizza, masturbation, reading, sleeping, tv, sex, movies, pumping weights, studying Advaita Vedanta, saving money, snickers bars, anxiety, smoking, trying to fix myself….
My addictions cost my friends, girlfriends, huge amounts of money, my health, and the scorn of my mom.
It’s been a hard slog to overcome them. Here’s how.
Negative Love Map
Some may think of addiction only at the extreme end of life. A scabbed-up crack junkie in a trailer park.
The compulsion to jump on Amazon to buy a pair of Jimmy Choo’s shoes Monday, Tuesday a must-have American Giant hoodie, and each following day another must-have, is the same compulsion as the stoner.
The origin of the addiction is the same and the way out is the same.
Addiction
Addiction is what we ensnare ourselves in to fill the emptiness from not having a relationship, loneliness, and shame, to numb out, self soothe.
Peel back to layers of the onion to get to the core issue and start your (final) path to freedom.
Behavioral Cover-ups
This defensive layer consists of a rich cocktail of behavioral patterns that you adopted as a kid:
- Critical
- Victim
- Blaming
- Joker
- Being pushy
These defensive layers act as your superhero costume. You put them on to protect yourself and project out into the world as a false self/personality.
I created the false self as a sporting dynamo as a kid. I showed up in the world through my behavioral cover-ups of being critical, superior, and being reserved.
Through my sporting prowess, I got attention but left me feeling like an imposter.
When you act out from a behavioral cover-up, you can inadvertently knife another’s shame wound. When I would beat all my friends at sports I would see them avoid eye contact and look down at the ground.
Go to the next layer and we see….
Family Roles
Kids look for their position within the family unit. There is a need for love, managing your parent’s feelings, and fitting in. Were you a:
- Good girl / straight-A student / talented/athletic — want to make your parents look good.
- Best buddy/marriage counselor / sounding board — look to soothe other parent’s emotional state
- Target/scapegoat — your parents cannot express their anger at each other so they project it over you.
I took on the family role as the rescuer. I looked to soothe and deal with my mom’s emotional problems that I had thought dad caused.
And putting on the hard hat we go to the next level.
Primary Ego Defences
This is the first step away from the initial cause. As much as we like to think we are in control of our thoughts and behaviors, we rarely are.
Adopting a primary ego defense is an unconscious attempt to deny reality. As what you feel is too hurtful and overwhelming.
Defenses are:
- Minimalization
- Rationalization
- Fantasizing
- Denial
Now we come to the root cause. Buckle up.
Shame
My life had been run for decades on the premise there was something wrong with me and that I had to fix myself.
Unbeknown to your parents, you experienced feelings of disconnect and neglect about your connection with them. This perceived problem, you internalized as a core belief.
- I am weak
- I am unloveable
- I am not enough
- I am worthless
- I am ugly
- I am evil
- I am bad
The core belief leads to SHAME.
Remember, as an infant, you are unable to accurately assess why your mom didn’t pick you up when you were crying, or why your dad yelled at you when you urinated over his shirt just before he was leaving for work.
Type of Shame
There are 2 types of shame:
Healthy shame — you have a set of values that rule your life. I don’t steal; I tell the truth, and I don’t like to hurt others. When you accidentally transgress one of your values, shame pops up.
This type of shame helps you to respect others’ boundaries and function in society.
Toxic shame–there is a sense of being a faulty person. You feel shame based on the conclusion you are not enough.
Unable to save my mum from my dad, I saw myself as ‘I am weak.’
A weak person doesn’t take action. As a result:
- Money/Career — I could never start my own business. Never rise above a middle management job to make some decent coin.
- Relationships — I wasn’t able to communicate my boundaries in relationships. Thus, I moved away from people.
- Body image — I viewed my skinny body as weak and unmanly.
Note: the pathway from toxic shame to addiction is not always in linear fashion.
How this plays out in day-to-day life
The toxic shame manifests in your life through transference.
Transference is an unconscious cognitive projection. You perceive another person to be a representation of your parent. Then you react to them as if they were your parent.
Things that may trigger transference are the person’s:
- Toner of their voice
- Body shape
- Dominant personality
- Smiling face
- Body posture
Ways out
It’s not all doom and gloom! The path to freedom is about saddling up by using the following.
Curious. Get curious about your reactions. Pull out your internal Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass.
Reactions. Be aware of the reactions and sensations in your body.
- What are you feeling?
- What patterns/defenses come up when you are in the company of this person?
Tracing. Trace back from your reaction to which parent the toxic shame had begun.
- When did you feel this way in your childhood? And what caused it?
- Which parent made you feel this way?
I ask myself and reflect on these exact questions repeatedly throughout the day. And the results have been phenomenal. I now act from authenticity when in the company of big boss-type males (my dad) and emotional females (my mom.)
If I slip and react. At night, I come back to these questions and see what played out. Then let it go and drift off into a sound sleep.
Awareness gives you breathing room around your patterns. Awareness and tracing take the air out of the balloon. You pivot from a being victim to an empowered warrior.
Concluding thoughts
Draw your sword and take a stand. Say no to being a slave to the past and yes to living a life of authenticity and spontaneity.
Get off the personal development merry-go-round. Cut off your addictions and defensive patterns at the knees by exploring and healing your toxic shame.