How to Have Sex
I Learned Everything I Know About Having Safe Sex From BDSM
Exploring Top & Bottom: The importance of learning to use consent, consciousness, and communication before, during, and after sex
It’s no secret that I was taught little to no useful information about sex. I wouldn’t be writing about sex if I didn’t think there were more people who were or are in the same position I have been in: the position of living an “appropriate” existence, one in line with the expectation to remain sexless while also giving sex on demand.
After my father died, I set out to learn everything I could about sex. This was after I allowed a man to penetrate me for the first time. I laughed when I bled, cried when I was late a month later, and gave a sigh of relief when bled again.
Much of what I learned had little to do with protection. In those beginning days, I didn’t care what happened to me. I just wanted to live better. I wanted to live more. I wanted to break my chains. That meant breaking the suffering silence of my closeted sexuality and I wanted no part of rules.
My journey to gaining protection is another story. I won’t allow these lines to flow by without sharing that I did advocate for my own protection which to this day falls under my own control. It was an essential part of my sexual growth. Although it didn’t keep me safe from any monsters, it was and is a right that I find necessary.
I was fortunate to awaken to sex in all of its forms, fortunate for my starvation from everything sexual for so long, that I read and dabbled in many types and styles of sex, including kink and the BDSM lifestyle.
My recommendation is solid. Whether or not people are interested in a variety other than vanilla, the BDSM lifestyle is a goldmine of safe sex practices. I would be less today without my dalliance, and I allow myself to be candid in saying I have incorporated much of what I learned into the way I have and talk about sex.
Open communication
: Acceptance — The words in my head translate to conversations with others
By reading about different kinds of kink, I learned to allow myself to explore my own turn-ons without judgment. The more I read, the more curiosity I enjoyed until that curiosity overflowed into my conversations with others.
I had sex on the brain. If I had no one to talk to about the things in my head, I found female authors who had experienced their own sexual awakenings and sank my teeth into their experience. My best friends became the confident, pleasureful, wildly daring sexed.
When I had conversations with friends, my excitement spilled over into discussions on vibrators, cunnilingus, lubricant, preferences, and self-pleasure.
My online dating life came along for the ride. I began to gain comfort in speaking up, sharing wisdom, and saying “no”.
The form
: A paper trail to consent — What’s okay and what’s not
One of my favorite memories of this time was filling out “the form”. There is probably more than one, but one of the books I was reading at the time provided a link to a downloadable form. I printed it out at work and got to checking boxes.
This form was an extensive list of types of kink and play, alongside 4 columns of boxes marked Enjoy, Curious, Soft Limit, and Hard Limit.
I went through the list, meeting my sexual nature in full as I progressed. Masturbation? Enjoy. Corsets? Curious. Injections? Absolutely not (hard limit). Branding/tattoos? Maybe not, but perhaps something I’d try someday with the right partner (soft limit).
The list was at least 6 pages long. I took it seriously. It took ages. Cuffs-metal? Curious. Cuffs-leather? Soft limit. Showers that are not made of water? Hard limit. Gags of any kind? Hard limit. Spanking? Soft limit. Roleplaying? Curious. Ear play? Enjoy.
By the end of the form, I knew what I liked. I knew what I wanted to explore. Most importantly, I knew what I didn’t want. It was right there in front of me, written in ink.
My form made my sex feel as though finally mine. My sexual preferences felt real and unique to me. I stared at it like a holy grail, considering my ability to make decisions for myself better than anyone else in the world.
Seeing my consent in black and white for the very first time was formulative and empowering. It helped me own my consent when it mattered most and in the place I felt I had the most to lose: in the sordid world of online dating.
Scheduled play
: A beginning, a middle, and an end
Most sex I’ve had is unscheduled. This isn’t a problem, but it is a relief to enjoy scheduled sex, especially when one has taken the time to construct an hour or two of escape to a wonderland of pleasure that both parties have agreed upon ahead of time.
Boundaries are an aphrodisiac.
Play has a scheduled duration that is agreed upon before play begins. It starts and ends based on the limits and desires of both parties.
Play has a scheduled activity or scene that is agreed upon before play begins. It may be a request of one or the other, but it is manicured to please both. Even if both parties are not meant to come, the goal is always mutual, intimate, curated oblivion.
Play has a scheduled end practice that includes time, communication, and cuddles if desired. It includes winding down, refueling, and reconnecting if that’s what is agreed upon. It also includes a retrospective, perhaps not right away, but before play is resumed another day.
Safe words
: The sexiest way to say “stop”
The safe word is a choice word or phrase that when said during play brings everything to a halt without the nasty, lingering effects of the word “stop” in the air.
The safe word spoken can mean the end of play entirely. Then again, after debriefing, play may resume. But the safe word spoken means, “Stop!” and then space is allowed for communication and reconfiguration, if necessary, to resume.
I love safe words. Shared between friends and playmates, they become as intimate as play itself, while also creating a safe and responsive environment for doubt, fear, and other big feelings during sex.
Who’s on top?
: Compatibility & self-knowledge with room for “advancement”
BDSM is an acronym of combinations, where B/D is Bondage and Discipline, D/s is Dominance and submission, and S/M is Sadism and Masochism.
BDSM has come live as an umbrella over a wider set of kink, but a common question that one is called to answer when exploring BDSM is, “Are you a Top or a Bottom?”
This is sort of a leading question. Literally. If one is turned on while leading, try Topping first. If one likes to be told, try being a Bottom.
I felt sexy when I was telling, watching, and impressing. I was turned on by turning others on. I enjoyed being worshipped like a goddess, so I tried being a Top. It was fabulous.
I loved Topping, or being a Dom. I loved learning more about myself as I Topped. I also loved knowing ahead of time that potential partners that were like me — turned on by their own domination — were not compatible with the relationships I was cultivating at the time.
Tops and Bottoms are not set in stone. I had no reason to turn, but with the right partner or perhaps over time, it is not uncommon for one to switch, becoming a Bottom for some play as they enjoy it and vice versa.
Communication.
Excitement.
Consent.
Pleasure.
Consciousness.
Boundaries.
Safety.
Intimacy.
Freedom.
These are the things I bring to my conversations surrounding sex. It is the sex I want to have. It is the sex I want to talk about. It is the sex I wished existed before I knew it was there all along.
It is the dawn of a new kind of sex education, taught by a former Dom.
It is How to Have Sex.
Please feel free to check out my profile: Brett Jenae Tomlin. Comment below if we have something in common, if you have anxiety or if you like what you’ve read. Do you have any questions for me?
If you love, love, love my writing and want to shout out, “You get it, anxious girl!” You can contribute to my cookbook collection here.
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