How to Have Sex
“Teenie” Gets My Hands Slapped
Vaginas are vaginas and labium are labium unless you are a child, a parent, or sexually repressed, but whatever you do, don’t touch your “teenie”
I don’t know where my parents got the word that they gave to my vagina and the adjacent in-between areas, but it was what it was. It was my “teenie”.
What is a “teenie”?
My “teenie” included my inner thighs (anything South of my underwear was leg) and every inner and outer crevice in between. It included the hole for peeing and the hole for pooping. It also included a surprise third hole that I didn’t know about for a long time.
It also included my clitoris and the folds of skin that tent up to it and curve down in a sort of almond-shaped tip and the tiny rough patch of skin the size of a small gemstone on the left-trailing fold that drives me wild. It included the space just inside my vagina and everything above and inside.
These last musings are things I know now, in spite of my “teenie” years. I didn’t know much as a child about teenies, but I tried my best to grow into the word. It’s no surprise I’ve had to unlearn all of my faulty information, both taught and deduced.
What my inner child has to say about “teenies”:
- Don’t touch it. You’ll get your hands slapped.
- Don’t look like you have touched it. Your mother will smell your fingers, whip your hand away from hers, and you’ll get your hand slapped.
- Teenies tend to have things wrong with them, as in: “Does your teenie hurt?” or “Where does it hurt? Is it your teenie?”
- Teenies have smells. You may think some of these smells are kind of nice, but some of them will get you in trouble, like if you forget to change your underwear and your mother finds out.
- No one has ever seen a teenie. How could they? It’s inside. I think.
- Teenies must be wiped after peeing and pooping.
- Coverage of teenies at all times is mandatory, even if it is with the “ruffle-butt” underwear that your parents seem to love.
- Anyone who wears things that show too much proximity to their teenie is gross.
- Sometimes peeing hurts and they say it’s your teenie.
- Doctors have no regard at all for numbers 1 & 7, even if you beg them to stop.
- Bathtub railings and slippery floors do not a happy teenie make.
- Boys do not have teenies; they have willies.
- Because boys do not have teenies they can pee standing up in the woods, whereas you must sit on a snowy log and dangle your teenie over the ground.
- Mom’s teenies are covered in fur.
- Dresses and skirts must be long enough to cover your teenie. When you go to church, they must be even longer so God won’t see.
- Animals have teenies, too. When they have babies, their teenies are not teeny. Sometimes their teenies bleed. Sometimes they die. Sometimes we have to take care of orphan lambs and kittens because their mommy’s teenies were broken.
- Your mom had a broken teenie once, when you were born. She bled and almost died, too.
- Talking about teenies is frowned upon.
- When you talk to your friends about teenies, most times they don’t know what you’re talking about. You must point to show them and they may tell you what theirs is called. This must be done in secret because number 18.
- Teenies can sometimes feel things like fingers do. Like when you’re in a pool, when you’re really happy, or when you stand close to something that radiates heat.
- One day, no one said teenie anymore, not even you. There was no replacement word given. It was really quiet.
Death to “teenie”
The way the adults in my midst did and did not talk about sex and sexuality affected my body confidence, sexuality, femininity, and self-worth.
“Teenie” is such a small, insignificant word. It was used to describe a whole slew of body parts, but as I developed and learned more about language, I learned that it was no mistake. The word also came to describe my sex, my gender, and my parents’ expectations for my sexual knowledge as I grew.
The use of such pet names for my and my classmates’ young genitals was not only harmful because we were not being taught the language to communicate about and describe the bad and the good about our bodies, but also because we had no common language to use among each other.
Especially for women, it is important that the words that are used for our parts are consistent, respectful, and descriptive from birth. Men, too, although due to their anatomy, the words tend to be more descriptive and consistent because they are physically less hidden.
Would it be so terrible to use scientific terms for our sexual parts from the earliest ages? Even if the words are hard to say in the very young, shorthand is better than picking cutesy, isolating, and ultimately patronizing pet names that have lifelong social and sexual implications.
I can’t change the fact that I wasn’t taught to use the correct words for my vagina, my labia, and my clitoris. I am happy to use words like cunt and pussy in sex-positive ways in the same way I am happy to use dick and cock in the right situation.
But I’ll tell you what word I’ll never use again: Teenie. F**k teenie. Teenie is dead.
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