How to talk to someone you don’t agree with

We’re not all going to agree with one another all the time. That doesn’t mean we can’t communicate with civility and respect.

by: E.B. Johnson

We’re living in a polarizing age, and it seems like more people have more varied opinions than ever before. It’s a time when fact is stranger than fiction, and fiction is viewed as fact. This changes the way in which we see the world, and the way in which we see one another. Even though this can lead to greater conflict, it’s crucial that we learn how to maintain respect and civility — no matter how much we may disagree.

We’re all adults here.

Communicating with people in this day-and-age can be tough, and it’s made no easier by the polarizing effects of politics, climate change, and the current raging pandemic. It’s never been more important that we do communicate, though, and that we do it with civility, logic, and compassion. Even if we don’t share the same outlook, we still share the same planet and the same society. That’s worth talking about, and it’s better if we do it like the adults that we are.

It doesn’t matter if we disagree with one another — we still have to treat one another with civility and respect. We’re never going to see the world the same way, but we all have to live in the same world together. For that reason alone, it’s crucial that we look past our differences at the greater point of communication and our ability to express our beliefs to one another as adults.

We don’t have to shut down or shut out people who see the world differently to us. We can find better ways to talk to them, and better ways to share the ideas that form the foundation of the new world we’re building. Fear and anger get in the way if we allow them to. Rather than letting our ability to communicate wash away, we have to find better ways to open up with the people we disagree with. That way, we can change their minds and live with no regrets.

How to talk to someone we disagree with.

Disagreeing with someone is no reason to stop talking to them. We learn by communicating with one another, and by experiencing the world around us. Rather than closing up shop and boarding up against those who think differently than you, you need to open up wide and understand how to communicate with someone you disagree with.

Accept deeper fears

More often than not, fear exists as the foundation beneath our disagreements with one another. When we acknowledge the fears beneath the issue, we can minimize conflict and find better ways to communicate with one another. Identify your mutual concerns and desires and the emotional connections that exist beneath the surface.

Don’t assume the worst

We have a tendency to assume the worst of those who disagree with us, but that simply isn’t the best way to communicate. For the most part, we all strive to be good and lead peaceful and successful lives. The difference is that we all come up with different ways of getting there. That’s okay. Don’t assume someone is bad just because they’ve used flawed knowledge to get where they are.

Avoid emotional overwhelm

Talking to someone you don’t see eye-to-eye with is hard. Our beliefs are closely tied to our emotions, and when they are questioned things like guilt, shame, anger, and sadness can all come into play. Don’t let your negative emotions or your frustration to overwhelm you. Channel them into clearer explanations and a more focused and compassionate approach to convincing the other person of your point.

Teach and be teachable

It’s important that, when talking with others, you learn how to teach and be teachable. That is to say, you should seek to take in just as much information as you share. You don’t have to agree with what they tell you, but you do have to listen and make room for new ideas. Just as you want the other person to be open and malleable, so too do you have to be open? We all have unique information and a unique perspective that can be invaluable to share.

Have solid sources

You’ve probably heard the saying, “never bring a knife to a gunfight,” and similar can be said of our disagreements. If you’re going to try and call someone out, you better have solid sources to back it up with. You have no right to tell someone they are wrong unless you know it for a fact and can prove it without a shadow of a doubt. Otherwise, you’re correcting them with little more than opinion.

Value all opinions equally

Like it or not, we all have differing opinions. While these opinions can be both good and bad, they all have value. That’s because the general act of holding ideas is a freedom that humanity must have to create and harmonize together. Everyone has a right to their thoughts and beliefs, and we should let them know that — even though we disagree with them — their thoughts still matter. The line gets crossed when those opinions get forced onto others (in any way) or manifested through action, which hurts others.

Be understanding

We can all be understanding of one another, even if we don’t agree. That is to say, we can show a general level of respect and create enough space for the general exchange of ideas. We all have a right to our thoughts and the way in which we see the world. That’s what freedom is. When you show that you understand where the other person is connecting their own dots, you build a rapport with them and a foundation of respect and trust.

Don’t be sarcastic or condescending

It can be incredibly easy to fall into the trap of sarcasm or condescension when we’re dealing with a disagreement, but that’s not a successful way to handle one another. Sarcasm only makes us look smug and irritates the other person. It also leaves too much room for ambiguity and misunderstanding. Condescension too is a poor communication tool. It pushes the other person away and causes them to shut down to any info you try to share.

Avoid irritating language

There is no point in setting out for productive dialogue if you insist on using insulting and aggravating language. Tearing people down won’t help them listen to you. Don’t use aggressive language (or body language). Don’t look for “gotcha!” moments or make absolute blanket statements with words like “always” and “never”. Name calling, labeling, and personal attacks are also a bad way to get someone to listen to you. Swearing and threats, likewise, won’t help them open up and won’t help you to build rapport.

Why it’s important to keep communication open.

It might seem like a lot of effort to keep a door open for someone who sees things so differently, but that’s important. Whether we like it or not, we share this world together and we benefit through the cooperation of society. If you want there to ever be hope of change, you need to keep the communication channels open and the ideas freely flowing. That’s how we come to live with ourselves and how we come to build a better future for tomorrow.

1. We’re literally in this together

Our world is like a big interconnected organism. It’s literally impossible to name one thing that we hold (in the western world) that didn’t get to us by the efforts of someone else. What we do impacts people we don’t even know on the other side of the world, and vice versa. Like it or not, we’re literally sharing this planet and society together, and benefitting or suffering from it accordingly.

For the great majority of us, what we do has a direct effect on one another. If our neighbors continue to vote for bigotry and hatred, we suffer at the point of their pen. We need to talk in order to stay on the same page and to make sure we’re choosing the right things for one another so that we all benefit.

There’s room and advantage enough for all of us here on this planet. When we make life harder for some, we make life harder for all. By focusing on more civil and respectful communication, we can get past this need to hurt one another by finding our commonality. We all want the same things when it’s all boiled down: love, comfort, and the ability to thrive with our offspring.

2. Cooperation requires communication

Not everyone likes to admit it, but successful society requires cooperation in order for those within it to benefit. It’s a bit like a ship. In order for the ship to get from Point A to Point B, we all have to come together and find a way to do our jobs in good faith (and good timing). That requires talking to one another and doing so regularly and with honesty and candor.

In order for us to cooperate and work together, we have to communicate with one another. This allows us to exchange ideas and get on the same page. We can organize tasks together and centralize the basic ideas that bind our reality and society. We become synchronized and interconnected when we continue to talk to one another.

Build a rapport with the people around you, and you’ll be better equipped to find mutual agreements together. Let them see who you are outside of your disagreement and use that new trust to open the door on cooperation. The more you can lean into one another and see the good, the easier it becomes to open up and become more open to new ideas and opportunities.

3. There’s always an opportunity for change

Life is nothing if not continuous, never-ending change. Every moment of our lives is changing. The world is filled with variables that ensure we are always in a state of flux, and the world around us is always shifting too. Nothing stays the same. Not our beliefs, not our bodies — nothing. That’s why we have to keep communication channels open with each other. There’s always a chance the other person could change.

We are all of us capable of changing our minds or changing the way we think. We choose how we want to see the world, and we choose how we want to see ourselves. There’s always an opportunity for the other person to change their mind, but you won’t know unless you leave those communication channels open to them.

Don’t ice someone out of your life completely just because they think differently from you. Don’t expel them from the light of your truth just because they are lost in their own personal darkness. Compassion can be one of the biggest encouragers of change. Be an example for the people in your life by living in the light of your truth an encouraging them to embrace their own. There’s a lot more opportunity in reality than fantasy, after all.

4. We need to live with ourselves

Talking to someone who thinks differently from us can be hard, but it’s necessary. Even when we can’t agree, we have to be respectful. Why? Because it’s important that we can look at ourselves in the mirror. Disrespecting someone or talking down to them can be hurtful to the other person, but it can also be hurtful to us. Especially when we look back and consider how we behaved.

Frankly, we don’t need to live with more regrets than we already do. If you close the door on someone, you may not be able to open it later on. Are you prepared to make that choice? Are you so certain of who you will be in 10 years? Are you certain about who they will be?

We need to be able to live with ourselves and the decisions that we make, and that requires that we don’t burn every single bridge that doesn’t need to be. Keep the door to communicate unlocked, even if you don’t leave it open. You don’t lose any pride by letting the other person know you’re still around when they decide to change the way they think about things.

5. It’s a better way to live

Like it or not, living with an open-door policy is better than living without. When you spend all your time shutting the door on people who don’t think or believe like you, you end up spending all your time in a warp-hole of chaos and conflict. It’s easier to live and let live. It’s more peaceful to allow people to hold their own personal ideas, which you focus on living as an example of empathy and respect.

Shutting people out won’t make our lives better. It won’t make our neighbors vote any better, and it won’t improve the relationships we share with those we love. Down that path lies a lot of hardship that we can avoid by refusing to engage in the conflict and the drama.

We don’t have to fight with others, but we don’t have to banish them either. We don’t have to accept their hateful and bigoted actions, but we don’t have to exile them either. There’s a difference between waging war and insisting on change. We have the choice to do one or the other. We can spend the rest of our lives fighting, or we can keep a safe distance and say, “The door is always open when you’re ready to be a part of something better.”

Putting it all together…

These are strange and challenging times we are living through, and they only seem to get more strange and challenging by the day. Now more than ever, it’s become important to talk to the people we disagree with, or the people who see the world in a different light. Only by talking to one another can we sort out the mess we’re in and find a better way to live beside each other.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we are literally in this situation together. We share a planet and multiple societies. In order to protect those things, we have to keep talking to one another and finding ideas we can lean into mutually. Cooperation requires communication and finding solutions requires that we talk to each other and find better ways to do things. Life is always changing and the people we disagree with can change too. Leave the door unlocked so they always have a chance to come back and ask you questions. You need to be able to live with yourself at the end of the day. Will that happen if you’re rude, cold, or otherwise cruel to someone with different beliefs from your own? Communicating with others is a better way to live than isolated and without community. Do you want the future to be brighter? Discover better ways to talk to the people you don’t see eye-to-eye with.