The best ways to overcome moral differences

We don’t all see the world in the same way. Here’s the best ways to overcome moral differences.

by: E.B. Johnson

It is a challenging time to be alive, and it can be even more challenging to connect with others. That’s especially true when it comes to the polarized climate we’re living in, and the seemingly endless tendency of some to cling viciously to their ideological beliefs. Sometimes it can feel like the people we loved most become strangers as our moral differences are brought into sharper focus.

We have to learn to connect across these differences, though, and find the deeper desire for civility and peace that rests within us all. At the end of the day, we all want to live our own quiet and happy lives, with families who are able to thrive. The only way we are going to be able to do that is to make space for one another both physically and ideologically in this increasingly chaotic world.

We all see things from different angles.

Depending on where you live, who your family is, or even what religion you subscribe to — you will have a very different way of seeing the world. We all see and perceive our world from different angles. Some of us are given high vantage points, which allow us to excel and thrive with little relative struggle. For others, however, things become a bit more convoluted in darkness as they batter themselves against the bottom of the hill looking for happiness in misunderstanding.

Having different perceptions of the world is a good thing. If we were to come together and use these points-of-view, we would find a more complete picture of the world and within that a better picture of who we are as people and a society. That can be hard, though, as we tend to struggle to understand the experiences of someone who is outside of our personal situation.

You have to break yourself out of this one-sided outlook if you want to learn how to connect with someone across moral differences. We don’t all have to believe in the same things, but there are some key values that we could all align ourselves with in order to make our bonds civil and effective. Rather than trying to force someone to understand things as you understand them, open up your mind so you can open up their hearts. It’s the only way to improve things.

How our morals manifest.

Our morals are loosely defined as our standards of behavior and principles of right and wrong. They shape how we view ourselves and how we view the world around us. These morals can differ greatly from person to person, however, and can be formed from a number of factors. Getting to the root of our moral differences requires that we first understand how they manifest.

Society at large

Society plays a huge role in the morals we choose to follow and build on throughout our lives. Our friends, family, politicians, and even the celebrities that we watch on TV all come together to inform the way we look at others and the way in which we look at our own state of being. The problem with following the moral beliefs of society around you, though, is that they don’t always align to true growth or happiness. They don’t always align to our truth.

Religious beliefs

Most organized religions come with a built-in set of organized moral codes or standards which their members are expected to strictly adhere to. These moral standards govern everything from sexuality to gender presentation and the building of family units. While it’s fine to follow any religion that brings you peace, it becomes a problem when you cross the line into some else’s personal sovereignty and peace. We all have a right to exist as we wish (as long as it doesn’t infringe on someone else).

Political polarization

It’s hard not to get sucked into the polarized state of politics in the west these days. Not only has politics become about governance, it’s also become a battleground for ideology and moral soap-boxing. We now associate our goodness with our politics, and that can be a major problem when it leads to tribal thinking and a breakdown in basic compassion and common sense.

Relationship pressure

The relationships we build in our lives are important, and that’s not just for the support and connection they bring. We tend to take on the perspectives of the people closest to us, and we tend to share the same outlooks. This means you can end up believing morally what those closest to you believe — whether to keep the peace or to “fit in” with the crowd. You may not question it much, and you may never need to.

Personal experiences

There is, perhaps, little else that informs our foundational morals more than our own personal experiences (or perceptions of them). Our natural reason forms judgements based on the positive and negative experiences we undergo. Having one or two negative experiences can form a negative narrative in our head that we start to see as absolute truth. It’s important to remember, though, that morality is not absolute truth. Morality is relative, and it is never as fixed as we think it is.

The best ways to overcome moral differences.

We are living at a turning point in history. Society is standing on a precipice and the way we choose to move will determine how we are judged as a people for centuries to come. If we want things to be better, we’re going to have to move past our moral differences and the only way we’re going to make that happen is with kindness, empathy, action, and boundaries.

1. Try to approach with understanding

There is not enough good that can be said of understanding and the benefits it brings when we choose to approach others with it. When we seek to understand someone, we take ourselves off of our pedestal and plant ourselves firmly in the reality of someone else. This replanting is powerful and helps us to remain calm, civil, and positive — even when we’re being confronted with serious moral differences.

Before you react to something you find repugnant, seek to understand where it comes from. Knowing that we all see the world from different angles, figure out how the other person got to their angle. We aren’t born with our beliefs planted in our heads. They manifest from experience and the journeys we take to get there.

Make it a habit to question someone’s perspective before you judge it or react to it. The beliefs that they hold might be repugnant to you. They may even scare you or make you uncomfortable. You need to understand where these beliefs came from, however, if you’re ever to have any hope of coming to the table with an approach that’s able to move the person you need to connect with. Always approach with understanding and you’ll be able to hold your head high.

2. Align your core values together

Even when we disagree on major issues, as humans, we can generally find a handful of values on which we can connect or find common ground. That’s because the human conditions boils down to a few common needs. We want to have food to eat and a (comfortable) roof over our heads. We want to have fun and enjoy ourselves, but we also want to thrive and want our offspring to thrive too. Safety is primarily the thing we seek; for us and our loved ones.

Look past the issues and the divides and look for the handful of core values that unite you beyond all the superficial. Do you have children? What kind of life do you want them to have? How do you want them to be treated? Split it right down the middle and figure out the top 3–5 things which matter more than anything to each other.

When we allow ourselves to look past all the moral differences, we can find that many of us hold the same love for self, family, and country as anyone else. Living a life that is easy, stress-free, and full of joy is the thing that all of us are really chasing. If that’s what we all want, then we can find a way to compromise and get there. It’s just going to require that we put down the pitchforks and look one another in the eye as adults.

3. Keep communication in focus

Believe it or not, you have to communicate with those you disagree with in order to find a common ground together. We can’t work past differences if we don’t open up and find where our similarities lie. Communication can be tricky though, especially when it comes to talking hot-topic ideological beliefs, or even polarized politics. How can we talk to someone we are so fundamentally different from? By putting our egos to the side and realizing this is all about something bigger than ourselves.

Stop striving for conflict and superiority. Instead, strive for clear and honest communication at all times. We have to talk things out in order to find resolution. We have to talk things out in order to figure out where we’re each coming from as individuals. If you truly are seeking to bridge those moral divides, you need to commit to talking it out compassionately and respectfully.

Keep communication in focus at all times. Choose it over conflict. Choose it over the endless bombardment of insults. When they go low, you talk to them about it. You ask them why they believe it’s okay to treat other people that way. You question their childhood. You question the people who hurt them and led them to think it’s okay to talk to someone else without respect and without compassion. We talk. That’s how we — as humans — come to mutual understandings and deeper growth.

4. Embrace the overall process

At the end of the day, connecting with someone across moral differences is a hard thing to do, and it’s something that takes time. Try as you might, the person you’re working with may not come around. If they do come around, you may never get to reap the rewards of that transformation. That’s life. We have to embrace the process and leave our egos out of the equation. After all, changing the hearts of other people isn’t for our sole good. It’s for the good of the world (and our society) as a whole.

If you think you’ll be able to connect and find common ground overnight, let that fairy tale go. Discovering a middle understanding is not something that happens overnight; commit to a series of uncomfortable conversations and a rush of emotions. Know that you will need to walk away — more than once — to collect your thoughts and calm yourself.

Find your pace and find your feet in the journey. Don’t rush things and don’t throw in the towel before you’re certain the lines can’t be moved. Making sense of someone else’s warped perspective isn’t always easy. It’s also not something we are always capable of doing. Accept that. Revel in it. Then get back to work. Compassionate people have big hearts and even bigger emotional minds. Use that to your advantage and use it to power your process.

5. Reinforce necessary boundaries

While it might sound like every moral mountain is capable of being overcome, that’s not always true. Even when we think we’ve built a bridge, we can often find that we’re dealing with even bigger divides that we realized. Have you done everything you can to open up and explore the other person’s point of view? Are they refusing to do the same for you? Accept their right to be who they want to be and then reinforce your point with the necessary boundaries.

The only way to rid ourselves of those who differ crucially in moral outlook is to reinforce our boundaries. They have a right to believe what they want, but they don’t have a right to make those beliefs a part of your world. If the behavior and the communication continue to be repugnant, purge your own environment and make it clear that’s not acceptable.

Stand up for yourself and the things you believe in, but do it with respect. There’s no point in creating further conflict. Simply remove the person from your space as much as you can and reiterate your own strongly held beliefs. Limit their access to you. Teach them a lesson in kindness and compassion; show them that in order to be a part of your life they have to share in those same values of respect. While we have to accept someone’s right to individual thought, we don’t have to accept their hatred or bigotry.

Putting it all together…

We are living through challenging and confusing times, in which up seems like down and down seems like up. Even if we’ve gone Through the Looking Glass, however, we still have to find ways to connect with one another if we ever want to get back on track. This means finding common ground with those who differ morally from us — a challenging task which can only be managed with compassion, understanding, and the firm hand of respect.

Always approach someone you differ from with understanding, even when those differences are moral ones. When we seek to understand someone, we seek to see things from their point of view. This doesn’t make us like them. It simply allows us to approach them from a more effective angle. Try to align your core values together and look for those things which bring you together as humans, loved ones, and neighbors. Keep communication in sharp focus, but know that it’s a give-and-take process which will take time for both of you to master. Question everything and reinforce the necessary boundaries that keep you safe from any malice you might uncover along the way. We’re at a turning point. Are you going to be a part of the problem, or are you going to build bridges that help us move into the future?