4 Ways to Start Healing From Painful Toxic Masculinity

Patriarchal pains impact everyone, and we have a long way to go on our journey to a safe, balanced, whole culture

On a Tuesday afternoon, I walked the three blocks from the laundromat to my front door, wheeling clean laundry along the crowded sidewalk. Wearing headphones, I listened intently to “Cassandra Speaks” by Elizabeth Lesser on Audible. My throat felt tight, and tears threatened as I stepped along the sidewalk. I felt painful, righteous fury building inside me.

Walking faster, I made it to my house before curling up on my bed, sobbing. Elizabeth Lesser told the story of a sports doctor who sexually abused over 260 young gymnasts over several decades. Family members and friends gaslit these young women when they initially shared their stories, accusing the victims of seeking attention. As a narcissist and sexual abuse survivor, the story struck a raw nerve. The horror of not being believed in your darkest moments felt all too real for me.

For the last several months, I have been eagerly reading books and articles* about patriarchy, and three things feel abundantly clear:

• Although women make up half the world’s population, society gives women’s stories nowhere near equal space in the public eye, i.e., high school reading lists, Nobel Peace Prize winners, and public statues.
• Creating equality is not about merely giving leadership roles to women; it’s about redefining power and honoring feminine values equally — Why do you think it’s so hard for women to get leadership roles in the first place?
• While toxic masculinity causes pain and hardship for women, imbalance hurts everyone, i.e., rising anxiety, depression, and suicide rates.

*I also read “Circle of Stones” by Judith Duerk, “Addiction to Perfection” by Marion Woodman, and many Medium posts about women’s issues.

Though I’ve cried, felt fury, and overwhelm during these cultural realizations — and how social norms hurt women— I believe we have hope for creating balance and emotional/psychological safety. But first, we must:

1. Clarify patriarchal problems
2. Address our shadows
3. Feel through the sadness
4. Advocate feminine stories and values

Unraveling our patriarchal issues has a long way to go. We’ve been living in violent male-dominated systems for possibly the last 12,000 years, meaning no one alive today started this vicious pattern. Though we are not responsible for our long-dead ancestors’ mistakes, we can be part of the solution.

We can support a cultural shift towards psychological and emotional safety, balance, and wholeness. Again, we can value feminine insight and authority in things unseen, sacred sexuality, respect for being, and nurturing the earth.

Clarifying Patriarchal Problems

Toxic masculinity — a narrow, repressive, culturally-held description of manhood — hurts both men and women. Patriarchy doesn’t privilege all men, rather a specific type of man.

Toxic masculinity is “a cultural concept of manliness that glorifies stoicism, strength, virility, and dominance. This glorification is socially maladaptive and harmful to mental health. Men and women both suffer when toxic masculinity perpetuates expectations that are restrictive and traumatizing.” — according to the dictionary.

In one of my more well-read articles, “7 Painful Reasons All Women Should be Angry,” I outline a few key ways our culture represses women:

• Shaming sexuality: Women’s sexuality is a sacred gift. Using derogatory terms for sexually-liberated women reduces our humanity and perpetuates repression.
• Belittling emotions: Gaslighting is a particularly horrid way that our culture shames women. Calling women “crazy” is a form of repression, control, and gaslighting. We are all primarily feeling beings, and when it’s unsafe to share our feelings, everyone loses.
• Diminishing feminine values: Think about all the statues honoring war heroes and dominant men. Where are the equally-prominent statues for peaceful negotiators or nurturing women? Where is the equal respect for devoted mothers or celebration of glorious childbirth?
• Silencing women: In America, over 70% of the population identifies as Christian. Here’s a Christian Bible verse that sums it up: “Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.” — 1 Timothy 2:11–12. Our religious leaders teach silence and submission. These messages lead to low self-worth, self-esteem, and self-doubt.
• Demeaning us at work: Our Capitalist workplaces are male-dominated, despite women scoring higher in essential leadership skills. We’re attached to a leadership vision of dominance and assertiveness without honoring skills like mentoring, collaborating, being resilient, and taking the initiative. Also, mansplaining happens a lot, and it sucks.
• Blaming women for abuse: “But, what was she wearing?” The widespread myth that revealing clothing increases the chances of sexual assault causes trauma. People using these arguments attempt to transfer the responsibility of control from the perpetrator to the victim.
• Judging women’s bodies: Over 90% of women feel unhappy with their bodies and use dieting to change themselves. This cultural beauty competition causes women to disconnect from their bodies, and we lose our beautiful, grounded strength and intuition.

Our pain is real.

Thinking more broadly, consider the state of our mental and emotional health: rising anxiety, depression, loneliness, stress, and suicide rates. Or consider, every year, over 10 million Americans are psychologically and physically abused by people they love.

When you consider our obsession with productivity without equal respect for rest and play, it makes sense that many of us develop addictions. Whether we’re addicted to work, sex, alcohol, food, or perfection, it’s about imbalance.

Without equally honoring femininity, masculinity grows toxic, and we lose balance.

My Jungian therapist helped me to see my imbalance last year. I have struggled with perfectionism and sometimes fall into compulsive behaviors. “Allison, it makes sense that why you fall into compulsive TV watching. That’s a clear sign that you need to relax more.” But isn’t rest weak? Shouldn’t we be out-performing our competition? Shouldn’t we push ourselves harder so that we can be successful? Like most of you, I grew up prioritizing masculine values, and my journey to balance has been challenging.

Addressing Our Shadows

Elizabeth Lesser talks about the danger of activism without what she calls “innervism.” She starts with a quote by Friedrich Nietzche: “Whoever fights monsters, should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.”

Consider the evergreen advice, “Change starts with you,” — attributed to Margaret Mead, an American anthropologist. When we don’t look at our blind spots or our “shadows,” our projections onto others can run wild. Simply put, Elizabeth Lesser describes shadow work as “cleaning up my own bullshit.”

The good news: our shadows include treasures. Marion Woodman said, “Whenever we refuse to accept something as a part of us, we project that something onto others.” Sometimes women project their leadership abilities onto others — speaking from personal experience. Leadership is one of my top 5 strengths, according to the famous character strengths quiz. Yet, at 27 years old, I am still finding my voice, seeking external validation, and worrying about others’ opinions.

Here are a few questions Elizabeth Lesser uses to explore her shadows continuously:

• How much of my disempowerment at work is because I don’t want people to think I’m powerful?
• Is it easier for me to play the victim than to come out of the power closet?
• Do I want to be liked more than I want to tell my truth? — I needed this reminder.
• Is it less risky to blame others, so I don’t have to take a stand for what I deserve?
• Am I willing to admit that I use indirect aggression and backdoor manipulation to get what I want?
• Am I willing to confront, as Carl Jung said, “that which I don’t want to be?”

We all have shadows. Though we’re not responsible for what happened to us, we are responsible for how we respond. Shadow work can be difficult, painful, and even disorienting, but the pursuit of our fullest selves is worth it.

Feeling Through the Sadness

Yes, we have to sit with our emotions. We have to become comfortable with stillness. While healing my personal traumas*, I often procrastinate on the somatic healing part — I’m not a procrastinator. Identifying the logical understanding of what happened, why it happened, and what to do about it does not heal us. Analytical knowledge is essential but incomplete without felt processing.

*Note: Emotional trauma can be complex and painful. If you’re digging into deep wounds, I recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma.

At the core, somatic healing means embracing stillness, getting curious about our emotions, and listening to our bodies. Please take time for white space and allow yourself to linger and be still. You may be surprised by what shows up. I often am.

Even more simply, we can get into the habit of regularly asking ourselves, “How am I feeling right now? How am I being?” Not just “What am I doing next, and what have I accomplished?” We can hold space for our inner femininity. We can treat ourselves with self-compassion and warmth.

Advocate Feminine Stories and Values

While seeing more hard evidence of feminine repression, I reflected on my early heroes; they’ve been almost entirely men. I was unaware of how much I had internalized patriarchal values and subconsciously tried to “beat men at their own game.” I can work harder, be more assertive, more confident, and make more money. I assumed this strategy would work well for me, but after a while, I wondered what exactly I was “winning,” and I felt lost.

Here are some examples of ways we can honor feminine stories and values:

• Encourage women to speak: In meetings, notice when women are talked over or interrupted and bring them back into the conversation. I’ve been on both sides of this situation, and the support feels so powerful—collaboration at its best.
• Honor your emotions: Honor your inner feminine and validate your feelings, even when no one else does. I often remind myself, sharing my truth is more important than seeking the approval of people who do not love me or themselves.
• Grow your self-compassion: Most of us struggle to be kind to ourselves, according to Dr. Kristen Neff. Some worry that self-compassion is selfish or indulgent. Yet, Dr. Neff’s research shows self-compassion makes us healthier, more likable, and better partners.
• Expand your reading list: Like me, your favorite authors or heroes may be mostly men. Try finding women authors and heroes to emulate. I love Elizabeth Lesser, Brene Brown, Marion Woodman, Judith Duerk, Elizabeth Gilbert, Julia Cameron, Amanda Plamer, Debbie Mirza, etc.
• Listen with empathy: I love problem-solving, and when people vented to me, I used to assume they were looking for answers. They’re not, most of the time. As humans, we want to feel heard, seen, connected with emotionally, and receive validation. Unless someone directly asks for advice, you can assume simple empathy is the best way to support your friend. “I hear you. That sounds hard. I’ve been there. I’m here for you.”

Closing Thoughts

May I have the courage today

To live the life that I would love,

To postpone my dream no longer

But to do at last what I can here for

And waste my heart on fear no more.

— John O’Donohue

Male dominance is not the natural state of society, and we’re hurting. Our patriarchal system does not support the people within it.

The Taoist yin-yang symbol shows how opposites are inseparable. We need both the divine masculine and feminine to feel whole and balanced.

Together, we can identify the problems, embrace our shadows, feel through pain, and advocate feminine stories and values. We can create a culture that honors and sanctifies femininity equally. With persistence, we can move towards a culture of safety, balance, and wholeness.

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