5 Books That Will Help You Become the Best Kind of Feminist

They changed everything for me — I’m a “red pill”-type person.

Remember when you first realized something was wrong with how women are treated? I do. Though I hated “submissive” messaging in Sunday school classes, I got really angry in a college career class.

The female instructor casually shared data about how women earn less than men. Are you kidding me? I work harder than any of the guys I know. What is wrong with the world?! After hours of fuming, I determined these sexist stereotypes would not apply to me.

Since then, I have never allowed myself to process, mourn, or dig deeper into the impacts of patriarchal culture. At least not until early 2020.

Since then, I’ve been pouring into depth therapy and working to understand the impacts of early conditioning. With inner practices, I’ve become incredibly aware of the layers and nuances of feminine repression.

These books have been an essential part of my healing journey. Though I’ll constantly be unraveling layers, I feel more equipped to create an authentic, loving lifestyle. I can recognize patriarchal voices and separate them.

Feminism, for me, means believing all humans are inherently valuable, and a balance of masculine and feminine values leads to healthier people and a better world. But like any collective traumas, we have to clarify and mourn what we’ve lost before we fully enjoy a brighter future.

1. The Women Who Run with the Wolves

Written by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, this book might be the easiest on this list to digest. It’s less than two and a half hours on Audible and includes engaging stories to make insights memorable. It’s both light-hearted and powerfully enlightening.

Here are a few realizations that stuck with me:

Find your unique rhythm: Since our culture has domesticated women, we miss out on our inherently earthy, even dirty, nature. I remember constantly making adjustments for people around me; I just assumed that was part of relationships. Realizing that it’s healthy to create my lifestyle and prioritize people and things that align felt huge.

Periods are kind of beautiful: “Women from ancient times set a sacred place aside for communion and inquiry during women’s menses. The membrane between the unconscious and conscious minds thins considerably. Feelings, memories, sensations that are normally blocked from consciousness pass over into cognizance without resistance,” writes Estes.

How wild! I grew up with those religious messages about periods being “unclean” or worse: they made you “irrational.” Pretty much, I spent the first ten years of having a period trying to hide it in every way possible. I downplayed the pain, pushed myself to work through it, and carefully hid any evidence of the bleeding.

So reading about its’ sacredness flipped my perspective. I almost look forward to it now; it’s like a naturally built-in time to slow down and be more thoughtful, like a tiny winter every month. Thank you, Estes!

Our high sex drive is a blessing: So I have a lot of strong feelings about this topic, mostly because I grew up with a loud purity culture in conservative Christianity. But Estes pretty clearly describes how taming our sexual energy is like dousing passion and our inherent life force. Also, it’s not just about having sex; you can channel that drive into creative projects.

Reading this book was such a beautiful experience and recommended to me by several women I respect. If you’re looking for a more “untamed” life, this book is definitely for you.

2. Circle of Stones

Judith Duerk’s book is small, thoughtful, and poetic, and it made me cry several times. She asks a series of questions about how our lives would have been different if we’d never gotten into patriarchy. Or if women had been honored, encouraged to self-actualize or experience the depth of our emotions, or had ongoing communion with groups of older women.

Just reading through these chapters felt cathartic; I realized more and more how much I’ve missed out on, specifically because of feminine repression. For example:

• Sexuality used to be revered: Before our patriarchal culture belittled our beautiful sexuality, people honored sexual love for its power and sacredness. They even had temples with coming-of-age sexual rites of passage for young women. How cool!
• Patriarchy started with property rights: I’d never heard this perspective before, but it makes sense. Men were more physically able to defend the homesteads, and that’s when things started changing. — sounds like capitalism, right?
• Most women were not encouraged to experience emotions: Okay, so this one might make me even angrier because it’s a bit like taking the color out of your life experience. What if we honored seasons of depression as opportunities to look inward, discover ourselves, and evolve?
• Where are the feminine role models? Though now, it’s apparent how much our culture skews towards a male perspective, I used to not think about it. That means I unconsciously accepted masculine views as better. What if we had grown up immersed in wise feminine stories and rituals?

How might your life have been different?

It’s a gorgeous and gently powerful book; I recommend it for every woman.

3. Cassandra Speaks

So I started reading this book on audible before deciding I had to own a physical copy. Elizabeth Lesser created such a thorough book full of personal experiences, historical references, research, friends’ experiences, and tons of practical advice on moving forward.

I also cried a lot while reading this book, and I highly recommend it to everyone. Here’s a bit of what I learned:

• Patriarchy fully immerses our culture: It’s everywhere. The books on the “best ever” list at high schools, Nobel prizes (representing the “greatest benefit to humanity”), politicians, leaders, etc. Our collective definition of “power” is inherently masculine, and that’s a huge problem.
• Women have been gaslit for centuries: Victim-shaming is very real, as I’m sure most women know. Even Eve, the “first woman” from the Bible story, was condemned for her curiosity and interest in self-knowing.
• “Innervism” and “activism” belong together: If you’re out there “fighting monsters,” you need to address the dark sides in yourself too. No one is immune. Though I’d already been doing shadow work, I love how she puts these two directly together.

There’s so much in this book that can completely reset your perspective. Just seeing how much a man’s perspective has shaped our world is pretty horrifying. But it’s also helped me move forward, make better decisions about relationships, and release numerous people-pleasing behaviors.

4. Addiction to Perfection

Discovering Marion Woodman’s work has been amazing; she’s a well-known Jungian analyst who addresses very complex topics. Reading this book was pretty intense; I felt some massive inner shifts. I’ve read it twice now, and I keep it out for reference.

Here’s how I would explain the book: many people (especially women) develop compulsive behavior patterns from childhood, partially because we’ve felt disconnected from our bodies and haven’t grown up with a healthy balance of masculine and feminine energies.

One category I related to is when women adopt masculine values from an early age. You become very ambitious and driven to prove yourself, often through achievements. But beneath a respectable exterior, you use compulsive behaviors to escape a sense of emptiness.

I recently read about Jennifer Lawrence, a well-known actress, who described herself as a “workaholic,” and it made me think of this. She talked about feeling safer when she worked because how could anyone not like her.

This book also felt very cathartic; it can also feel a bit dense at times. Woodman recommends reading it in a more relaxed way, not worrying about the details but focusing on what speaks to you.

If you’ve ever eaten cookies without tasting them or repeatedly indulging so much that you stop enjoying yourself, you’ll likely get a lot of value from this.

5. Girlhood

I saved this one for last because it’s been the most intense journey of all five books. Melissa Febos clarifies the impacts of patriarchy on a whole new level. These bunny trails run really fucking deep. I didn’t just feel sad reading this book; I tapped into full-on outrage.

But after decades of repression, it feels liberating, and I guess you could say empowering to embrace that kind of clarity.

To be more specific, I get angry realizing the demeaning nature of numerous, seemingly-harmless micro-impulses. So many stereotypical “feminine” traits — always smiling, pleasant listening, eager to please, putting others first, being “easy-going” — are less about our inherent nature and more about the demeaning conditioning from our culture.

Then there’s the stream of unwanted touch, weak consent, and coercive intimacy, even in what I had considered “loving” romantic relationships. The unconscious pressure most women feel to please men horrifies me.

Here are a few more things that surprised me while reading:

• How often I’ve felt self-conscious during sex: I’ve been far more promiscuous than the average American woman, and I like to think I’m good at feeling good. But looking back more carefully, I realized how frequently I worried about how I looked and felt I had to “speed up the process” to keep my partner engaged.
• Consent culture is very new and tricky: I consider myself pretty progressive since I’m openly polyamorous and spend time in groups with loud LGBTQ+ culture. I used to roll my eyes a bit at the consent mini-lectures I heard at partner dance events, but now, these lectures feel like the bare minimum step to protect women.
• The witch trials took a bigger toll than I realized: When a long list of basic traits may indicate that you’re a witch (and can legally be burned to death), the impacts are long-lasting. Here are a few: being opinionated, “strange,” rich, “stubborn,” or born female.

Though I struggled through this book, I couldn’t recommend it* more. I look forward to re-reading it in a year or so. I hope to continue improving in separating that domineering patriarchal voice from my perspective and truths.

*Note: there are several explicit descriptions of sexual assault, making it more appropriate for mature readers.

Sometimes reality can feel overwhelmingly painful, but I still prefer to “take the red pill.” I gain tools to create my unique brand of happiness and “cool”; that’s more than enough.

Do you have any favorite feminism or female-written books? I’d love to know.

Here are a few more recommendations; these are a bit softer and more directly inspiring:

• “Big Magic” by Elizabeth Gilbert
• “The Art of Asking” by Amanda Palmer
• “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron

These three books have helped me embrace my creativity and learn how to be a good artist in our modern world. These women make me feel more hopeful.

Overall, women have been through some serious bullshit. We deserve time to mourn, reflect, and reclaim the truth of our actual experiences. Plus, channeling intense emotions into creative work can be pretty damn fun.

How do you channel your anger?

I write inspiring, uplifting, and empowering content on transformative topics. Join the Weekly Love News on my website to receive creative offerings each week (Tuesdays) in your email inbox.