7 Ways My Life Expanded When I Loved My Wild Woman

Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes inspires me to unravel layers of domestication.

I grew up homeschooled in a traditional Christian community, and the adults said I should be “ladylike” to attract a husband. So when multiple men sexually abused me, I assumed it was my fault for being too sexy. When I burned out at my hard-earned tech job, I felt like a failure.

Doing shadow work over the last year has helped me to identify the roots of my suppressed rage.

As I question the “shoulds” and “musts” that I internalized, I wonder: Why do I feel so awkward about my period? How often have I smiled when I felt like crying? Have I always been so critical of my body’s shape and appearance? When did I start feeling so small and lonely?

“We’re all infected with a yearning for wild freedom, to be natural, connected to our instincts and deepest soul. Part of us can never be happy until our inner gypsy can dance. But for generations, they domesticate girl children away from her wildness so she will be submissive. Now, we feel shame,” writes Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes in “Women Who Run with the Wolves.”

At 27 years old, I refuse to accept another ounce of unearned shame for escaping the “nice and pretty” box that caged me. Fragmenting myself to meet others’ expectations has never led to fulfilling relationships or meaningful work.

Maybe when women stop accepting societal expectations, we won’t tame our feelings, bodies, and ambitions; we’ll start flourishing. As I move towards my inner wild woman, peeling away layers of domestication, I feel exhilarating freedom.

How I Love My Wild Woman

As a “father’s daughter,” I spent most of my life denying my emotions, intuition, and creativity. Now I’m seeing my repressed femininity, internalized misogyny, and need for creative expression.

Here are a few ways I have been nurturing my femininity:

• Somatic Processing: Being curious about and feeling through pain in my body heals me.
• Connecting with my body: I build a relationship with my body through long walks, yoga, dance, meditation, healthy eating, and quality sleep.
• Honoring my emotions: I’m learning to embrace pleasant and unpleasant feelings. I notice how people, situations, and environments make me feel, and I ask what’s helpful for me.
• Reading feminine literature: I’ve especially enjoyed “Cassandra Speaks” by Elizabeth Lesser, “Circle of Stones” by Judith Duerk, and “Addiction to Perfection” by Marion Woodman.
• Nurturing my creativity: Through writing articles, making music, journaling, planning trips, taking dance classes, and revising my space, I wardrobe my authentic self.

The more I love and integrate my whole self, the more open and curious I feel.

7 Ways My Life Has Changed

Instead of morphing to fit into a dysfunctional, male-dominated culture, I embrace my natural ebb and flow. I am reclaiming my body.

1. I honor my periods.

At 11 years old, periods seemed like a nightmare. Taking cues from the adult women around me, I believed menstruation was embarrassing and impolite to discuss. Many world religions treat menstrual cycles as unclean or impure (Leviticus 15:19). Plus, the false stereotypes about “irrational” menstruating women kept me quiet about my pain.

But women grow closer to self-knowing during menstruation, according to Dr. Estes. It’s a sacred time for communion and inquiry.

“The membrane between the unconscious and conscious minds thins considerably. Feelings, memories, sensations that are normally blocked from consciousness pass over into cognizance without resistance,” writes Dr. Estes.

After 16 years of hiding my periods, I’m exploring ways to honor this sacred time. Instead of forcing myself to be productive and suffering in silence, I give myself rest and speak more openly about my pain. Regular menstruation means I’m healthy, in rhythm.

I won’t accept unearned humiliation for a beautiful, human process.

2. I poop freely.

“Yes, women poop. No, it’s not glitter,” writes Laura Beck in Cosmopolitan.

She summed up my feelings about bowel movements well.

Over the years, I have often gone to far lengths for bathroom privacy. I almost didn’t include this section out of fear that I was alone. But a quick Google search shows many women experience pooping anxiety.

A mixture of media portrayals and “ladylike” advice make women feel pressured to be “proper” and “well-groomed.” Now I see embarrassment about bowel movements as a form of feminine repression.

Pooping is healthy and sometimes feels good. I choose to celebrate my working colon.

3. I love my sexuality.

“You’re an easy girl if you say yes when invited over to a guy’s home on your first date, and you’re a killjoy if you reject the invitation. There’s no way a woman — or any human — could meet society’s expectations,” writes Puja Thapa in The Equinox.

My misogynistic upbringing primed me for years of confusion, emotional damage, and abuse. I accepted that others would judge me based on my sexual “purity,” and I absorbed shame for breaking these rules.

Now, it’s clear that my sexual expression has nothing to do with my self-worth, and my sexuality is not an invitation. Wearing a short skirt never makes it okay for someone to disrespect, belittle, or abuse you.

“Every woman has an innate erotic essence that must be nourished, honored, and expressed so that she may be truly free in her magical feminine body,” writes Sheila Kelley, founder of “S Factor.”

I won’t “tone down” my self-expression to make others feel more comfortable. My sexuality is a gift that empowers me to love and connect with my body. Instead of accepting unearned shame, I embrace my sexual nature.

4. I embrace anger and sadness.

At five years old, my family laughed at me when I got angry. Are my emotions ridiculous? Being beautiful and happy seemed like the most revered qualities for women, so I focused on appearing happy. I’ve smiled when I felt like crying thousands, maybe millions, of times.

Buy my emotions didn’t disappear when I suppressed them; they stayed in my body. When we don’t deal with our demons, they resurface in inconvenient, unpredictable ways.

“When a man tells a woman to smile, the message that sends is that we exist to please him and that we should alter our appearance to do so, regardless of what we’re actually feeling. Consciously or not, he’s exerting what he sees as a right to exercise power over our bodies,” writes Amy Dorsey in Women’s Health Mag.

Our Western culture collectively views smiling as “womanly,” expecting women to be more caring and communal, and we feel punished when we don’t meet these expectations.

I’m done letting cultural pressure dictate my facial expressions, and I won’t accept that my emotions are unimportant. Embracing sadness and anger has been critical for helping me process decades of narcissist abuse. Without darkness, we can’t fully experience the light.

5. I value stillness.

As a child, I learned to seek external validation to receive attention. Living in America, I absorbed productivity culture whole-heartedly, which led to workaholism. I unconsciously viewed my accomplishments as a way to earn self-worth.

But intuition comes from living in our bodies, being present in the moment. After years of prioritizing logic and productivity, I now value my inner-knowing that comes from slowing down.

“Femininity is taking responsibility for who I am — not what I do, not how I seem to be, not what I accomplish. The embodied woman lives in the present and evaluates in the moment. She loves with her whole Being so that vulnerability becomes her greatest strength,” writes Woodman.

As a wild woman, I know whatever I accomplish is enough. I say “No” to opportunities that don’t feel right, and I embrace my spiral process for doing and resting.

6. I shun societal expectations.

“Women should be skinny, but curvy at the same time; smart and intelligent, but submissive at the same time; beautiful, but not concerned with beauty. The way we have been raised and the movies we watch have created these expectations,” writes Thapa.

I felt these contradictions growing up. When I developed exercise, skincare, and shaving routines, family members criticized me for being “too thin” and “high maintenance.” I didn’t recognize the conflicting expectations. Instead, I absorbed the judgments that became my inner critic.

Now I see the repression in these expectations, and I refuse to judge myself by external standards. Whether or not I shaved my legs today (or ever) has nothing to do with my self-worth. Whether or not I get married and have babies does not make me more or less valuable. I refuse to force myself into monogamous culture when my body rejects it.

The people who truly love me will encourage my natural flourishing.

Now, I listen to my body and honor my unique spirit in my work, lifestyle, and creative choices.

7. I prioritize creative passions.

“Our creative dreams and yearnings come from a divine source. As we move toward our dreams, we move toward our divinity,” writes Julia Cameron.

As a playful and curious child, I loved drawing pictures, telling stories with toys, playing “house” with friends, and making dresses for dolls. When I began writing songs and creating a blog, I felt a lack of interest and criticism from family members. So I pursued more “noteworthy” projects.

Now, I understand the sacredness of creative passion. Creativity brings us closer to self-knowing and healing. As I create music and write my truth, I feel more powerful.

Wild women “choose relationships that are nurturing to her and her creative life, aligned with her natural rhythms,” writes Dr. Estes.

As a developing wild woman, I won’t let them tame me. I discard the guidelines that don’t align with my authentic self. Instead, I focus on knowing and loving myself with all the “dirty,” earthy bits. In the darkness, I find my strength.

This last year has been intense. I’ve cried on nearly a daily basis, sat with wounds from decades of neglect, faced the ugly parts of myself, mourned the loss of unhealthy relationships, and slowly cultivated self-compassion.

As I release rage from early repression, I pursue my natural ambitions and find people who support my creative process. I may be “less pleasing” to the immediate culture, but I love myself too much to stay in a cage.

I choose to dance, sing, write, play, climb, fuck, create, love, and embrace shameless freedom.

“What’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think — or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?” says Brene Brown.

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