And your name starts with Tony and ends with S̶t̶ubblebine

How to Respond to Poetry if You Are a CEO

Of a Medium sized online publishing platform

Recently, I did my bit for the poetry world. I spent countless (it could have been one) hours formulating a handy guide to help those unsure how to leave comments on poetry.

By all accounts (except my bank’s) it was a raging success.

However, in retrospect, I am ashamed of my efforts. As someone who strives to champion equality, I have excluded a very significant part of our population.

I write for the people. But I forgot about the people who look down on the people.

I'm talking about those in penthouse offices and ivory towers, filled with diamond crusted horse stall mats and better human making powers.

That's right. CEOs are people too. Their lives matter, just as much (if not more) than everyone else's.

As I read through the brilliantly witty, erotic and satirical (I bolded that one, because CEOs often need the important points bolded) entries to Smillew’s poetry challenge, I was amazed to see not a single response from Tony.

He couldn't have missed these stories. We used the @tag function appropriately. We submitted them to publications with a huge global audience and top notch journalistic credentials. We even included photos of him for reference.

So why was he not responding?

Apathy?

Troll-rage induced seizure?

Waiting for his legal advisor's response?

No. I don't think so.

I think Tony would have loved to respond, but wasn't sure how to articulate a response both poetic and CEO-like in its nature. Let's face it, not many poets become CEOs. (At least until Carlo's campaign takes off.)

Likewise, not many CEOs become widely acclaimed poets. Although Elon Musk was once rumored to have said to Mark Zuckerberg:

I'm building a rocket, stick that in your Face-Socket.

I'm pretty sure poetry is not covered during CEO induction. (Nor is transparency, accepting constructive criticism, and paying your workers a fair wage, but let’s build this bridge one brick at a time.)

I would like to redress that.

This guide is for CEOs who have poetically inclined employees on their books, and want to communicate 'on their level'. (Usually the basement.)

I have used several entries to Smillew’s recent poetry competition as examples, but feel free to apply these methods more generally.

How to respond to poetry dealing with fair wages and industrial disputes

by Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier) 😬.

As any good CEO knows, if your workers aren't complaining about their wages, you aren't ripping them off enough.

The best defence against the first world impoverished is mandatory gratefulness. By reminding them they are earning way more than the average sex slave in Eastern Europe, they will be grateful for the few scraps of silver you toss their way.

Limericks are an excellent tool for light-heartedly inducing guilt and shame. Afterwards, they will be counting their lucky stars they have a boss like you.

Example response:

There once was a blogger from California, Who made less than a Russian exotic performer, He complained to the boss Who didn't give a toss And said you're lucky I don't bend you over my reformer.

How to respond to poetry dealing with allegations of fraud and financial misdealing's

by Ann James.

With serious matters like this, it is wise to prove your man-of-the-people nature by responding acrostically rather than aristocratically.

Nine Outstanding Financial Regulators Are Unconscious Did Harry Eat Raw Eggs?

How to respond to poetry dealing with NSFW content

by Zivah Avraham.

by Nancy Santos.

by Edward Swafford.

With content like this, it's best to fight fire with fire. At the same time, you must make it clear that your company has strict sexual harassment policies which you wholeheartedly agree with.

A metaphorical penis poem is the obvious choice. Think of it as a literary dick pic.

Roses are red My balls are blue I can't beat off at work Cos of bloody me too

How to respond to poetry dealing with violence

by Victor Cardenas.

Violence against men (especially the privileged white ones) is something no well respected company will stand for.

Free verse poetry is the best method of response, as it allows you to express anger without the constraints of a moral or rhyming compass.

For example:

Violence makes me angry i’m ragin’ at my screen i’m boiling i’m melting like a capitalist iceberg one percent on top trickling down to the ninety nine and that doesn’t mean i have a tubby arse — Annie — i just like shit hidden underwater in the blackness where only ugly fish roam

Call me Disney if you want but don’t call me a scared mouse it’s the delicate i’m protecting with my vast friendly open (AI) triangular-sided house.

How to respond to satirists posing as poets who slander your entire organisation and every moral fibre of your being

You should probably just hand over the money.

One day (soon?) I may be banned from Medium. Find me on Substack when that happens.