How to Help Her Come (When Nothing Seems to Work)
Because some orgasms are a hard to come by
Orgasms are insanely incredible. But they can also be a big source of frustration.
The orgasms themselves are always great, but sometimes it feels like it’s impossible to achieve.
It’s something almost all women deal with. Even women who come fairly easily have those nights where nothing seems to work. For whatever reason, all the reliable techniques aren’t enough to get her there.
And then there are the women who don’t have an easy time coming at all. They can’t always count on an orgasm and it’s an open question whether sex is going to end with a big climax or not.
There are usually ways for her to get there, even if it takes work. But I know from personal experience that it can be frustrating as fuck. Spending endless amounts of time trying to get an orgasm isn’t as fun as it sounds. You get sore. You get tired. You get impatient.
Most of the time, it’s not even clear why it’s happening.
I’ve had nights where my arousal is the issue. My libido is high enough to want sex, but not active enough to make it easy for me to come. Every orgasm is that much harder to achieve and the crossing over into the big climax at the end takes a lot of effort.
Other times, the problem is that my libido is too high. That normally happens when I’ve had a raise in my hormone treatments or I’m having lots of flirty exchanges with a crush.
When that happens, I get so horny I end up overdoing it. I’ll have a big, huge, mindblowing orgasm — but it’s not enough. I want more.
And that’s a mistake. Because having an intense orgasm like that makes it hard for me to have another, but trying for another one means I’ll be frustrated if I don’t actually get it.
So, I try and try. In the worst cases, I have to call it quits after trying for way too long. When I do get it, I’m completely exhausted and my vibrator needs to be recharged.
Where I am in my cycle also makes a big difference. I can come extremely easily during some phases of it. But during the one I refer to as my fall, it’s always tougher to get there.
In general, bodies are weird and hard to predict. Sometimes, I gauge my mood and I’m sure I’m in just the right place to come easily, and then I find myself half an hour deep into trying to get there.
It’s not always clear why a woman can’t come, but there’s one thing that can always make a huge difference in getting her there: a helpful partner to assist her.
But what exactly are you supposed to do when none of your usual finishing moves finish her off? Here are some things you can try when she needs extra help getting the orgasm that would really satisfy her.
Pull Out the Tried and True Techniques
The first thing you can do is try some of the sex moves that work on a lot of women.
These are the kinds of big guns you might need when the usual stimulation isn’t working. It can also help you switch things up, because sometimes that’s all it takes.
If you’re going down on her but your tongue isn’t getting the same results it normally does, try using the Kivin method. That basically involves lapping her from side to side instead of going up and down her pussy. It’s an easy modification that a lot of people swear by and that I am personally a big fan of.
Another thing I can’t get enough of is doing circles. It doesn’t really matter what you use — your fingers, your tongue, or even your cock if you want to get a little wild — circular stimulation around the clit can be a really effective way to get a lady off.
Giving her blended stimulation is a good move, too. Fingering her G-spot while you’re going down on her might just be what sends her over the edge when nothing else will.
Of course, you’ll have to rely on her reactions to see what she’s actually into or even what version of these moves she wants (she might prefer Kivin with a soft, slow tongue over lots of pressure and speed). These aren’t going to work every single time, but they’re good places to start.
Go Slower
A lot of men have the same instinct when a girl is having trouble reaching an orgasm. They think the best way to get her there is to go faster and harder.
Often, that’s the opposite of what she needs.
One of the reasons women struggle to come sometimes isn’t because they’re getting too little stimulation — it’s because they’re getting too much.
Clits can get desensitized when they get overworked. Sometimes, the only way to come back from that is to slow things down.
The best thing you could do is suggest starting fresh. Give her clit a break and run through the foreplay again. Make out with her while you grab her ass. Play with her tits. Squeeze her like you can’t wait to fuck her again. Then, work your way between her legs for another try.
That will give her clit a bit of time to recover, but you should still go slowly. Don’t rub her clit too vigorously or lap your tongue against it with too much speed. Keep things gentle and only go at her hard if she asks you to.
Help Her Fantasize
Orgasms are a surprisingly mental phenomenon. Yeah, there’s a lot of great physical stuff involved in getting one, but one of the biggest obstacles to achieving it is not being in the right headspace.
And fantasizing is one of the best ways to get in that headspace.
Often, it’s playing a vivid fantasy in my mind that helps me climax sooner or come harder. So, if she’s having a hard time getting there, you can help her out by helping her fantasize.
The most obvious way to do that is to roleplay with her. That might involve acting out a whole scenario. Or it could just mean taking on a role or playing along when she embodies one.
You can also use your words. Talk her through a fantasy or talk dirty to her in a way that helps her feel like she’s in the moment.
And she might not need any of that. She might just need you to make it safe for her to fantasize. A lot of people feel guilty about savoring their fantasies when they’re having sex, but you can alleviate that guilt by giving her some encouragement.
Tell her she can think about whatever she needs to think about. Tell her it doesn’t have to be you or what’s happening then and there.
Make her feel comfortable reaching into her spank bank and she’ll be able to get all the material she needs to help her come.
Indulge Her Kinks
When I started exploring my personal kinks, I thought it would make sex more fun and exciting. What surprised me, though, is how much of a difference it made to my orgasms.
When my kinks are being met, I come easier, I come more often, and I come harder.
So, if good old fashioned physical stimulation isn’t getting the job done, doing something that speaks to her kinks just might.
It’s fairly common for women to be into a little bit of submission, even if they’re not all the way into BDSM. If that’s the case for your lady, you can take a slightly more dominant attitude with her. Or you can take the lead and take charge of the situation — tell her what you want to do to her instead of waiting for her to ask.
If you don’t share her kink, it might be tricky to help her get into it. But there are ways you can help that might still be in your comfort zone.
If she’s into bondage, you can pin her wrists down while you’re fucking her.
If she has a foot fetish, put a few drops of lube in your palm and rub her feet while she gets off.
If she’s got an anal kink, lick your thumb and rub her asshole with it while you get her off. Or you can finger her ass while licking her clit.
And if her kink is something you can’t actually do or aren’t comfortable doing, you could try dirty talking her through it. Even something as simple as saying “I bet you’d love it if I pulled you around on a leash” or “I want you to think of me finishing inside you. Picture me filling up your pussy with my come.”
Whatever her kink happens to be, there are ways for you to help her tap into it.
Bring in the Reinforcements
Sex toys are a really fun way to spice up your sex life and make masturbation more pleasurable. Then there are times when they’re absolutely essential to getting her off.
If your lady uses sex toys to get herself off, it might help to bring out her favorites when she needs help coming. The stimulation she can get from a vibrator is nothing like the stimulation she can get from anything else, so it might make all the difference.
She might even have death grip. That’s an issue I struggle with. It can be hard for me to get really powerful orgasms unless I’m using the sex toys I play with the most.
You can still get involved if that’s what she prefers. I know that having my partner use my vibrators on me feels different than when I use them on myself, so your assistance might be highly appreciated.
And you can use the toys to supplement what you’re doing to her. Get creative and find ways to use your tongue, fingers, or cock while also using her vibrators, dildos, buttplugs, or whatever other toys she enjoys. I’ve personally had some really fucking great orgasms from my husband going down on me while fucking me with a thrusting dildo, but there are lots of other combinations you can explore.
Show Your Enthusiasm
When you’re trying really hard to make your partner come, it’s easy to get very focused and try your hardest to stay in the zone. Making sure you’re fingering or eating her pussy with absolutely precision is admirable, but the problem is that it might result in you going quiet.
Sex doesn’t always have to be loud and noisy. But when it’s a little too quiet, it often gives off the wrong message. If she’s having a really hard time coming, and you’re trying really hard to give her an orgasm, going quiet might make it seem like you’re getting frustrated or starting to feel exhausted.
That’s likely to make her feel a bit of stress and pressure to stop or finish quickly — both of which are orgasm killers.
One of the best things you can do to help her come, then, is show your enthusiasm.
There’s a difference between being enthusiastic and actually showing it. Showing it can be in the way you touch her, it can be in the attitude you take toward her, but it’s always going to be most effective when it’s vocal.
If you want her to really feel how enthusiastic you are about helping her get off, groan when you do anything that involves your cock. Moan when you’re enjoying the taste of her pussy. Praise her for how much she’s turning you on, how good her pussy feels, and how hot she looks when she’s naked with her legs spread wide.
A lot of guys don’t realize how much of a difference that can make. There are a lot of times when hearing my husband grunt and groan while he comes is what brings me over the edge. Trust me, your pleasure and your enjoyment is a huge turn-on for her.
Ask for Simple Instructions
Soliciting feedback from your girl is a good way to make sure you’re doing exactly what she needs you to be doing.
But you should avoid asking for anything too complicated. Giving you a detailed roadmap to her orgasm will take her head out of the game.
She needs to keep her attention on her pleasure, the sensations you’re giving her, and whatever arousing thoughts are going through her head. So, ask her for very simple instructions, something she can give you with only one or two words.
You could say things like “Do you want me to go faster?” or “How do you want it? Hard or soft?” or “Do you want more pressure or should I keep going like this?”
Obviously, she can give you instructions on her own, but asking her can actually help. I used to find it really awkward to give instructions, especially when I felt like I was giving a lot (which can happen when I struggle to come). Telling my partner to go slower wasn’t too bad, but saying it for the seventh time made me feel like I was being high maintenance. Asking her takes that awkwardness out of it.
Help Her Masturbate
No one knows her body better than she does. If she’s having a difficult time coming, sometimes the best thing you can do is let her take over so she can do it herself.
Encourage her to get herself off, but don’t just sit on the sidelines and watch her do it. Keep playing an active role.
You can give her some extra stimulation to help her out. Play with her nipples, give her a good spanking, or do anything else she enjoys but can’t do because she only has so many hands.
Talk dirty to her and give her lots of encouragement. Tell her how hot she looks. Tell her you can’t wait to see her come. Tell her she sounds so fucking sexy when she makes herself moan and whimper.
And you can join in the fun, too. Get settled in and masturbate next to her. It’s very intimate, you still get to finish, and you’re giving her something to watch or listen to while she brings herself over the edge.
Make Her Comfortable
When she’s at the peak of her horniness, her inhibitions will go out the window. She’ll strip naked, fuck in all sorts of crazy positions, and let you get a very close look at every single part of her body.
When she’s aroused enough, nothing in the world matters to her other than fucking you.
But if she’s struggling to come, she’s going to be in a very different mindset. When the orgasm isn’t happening and she’s trying her hardest to get to it, her arousal will start to dip and some of her inhibitions might come back.
That’s a vicious cycle, because her discomfort will make it harder to come. The more self-conscious, overly exposed, or nervous she feels, the further her orgasm will be.
So, do what you can to make her feel comfortable.
If she seems a little less comfortable with how much of her you can see, you can suggest a position that doesn’t put her on display — like missionary or lying next to her while you’re rubbing her clit.
If she’s into it, you can blindfold her. It’s a good way to help her feel a little more submissive, which can increase her pleasure if she’s the submissive type. But the big advantage to a blindfold at this stage is that it will make her feel less self-conscious, even if she’s wearing it in a dark room.
You can ask her if she would feel better with a blanket on. You can take the initiative to dim the lights, so long as you tell her it’s to make her feel more comfortable. You can even recommend she wears socks, because apparently that can help you come and having cold feet really sucks anyway.
Keep the Pressure Low
Making her feel rushed, whether you do it on purpose or not, is going to make it harder for her.
Trust me, if she’s having a hard time coming, she’s already putting a lot of pressure on herself. She probably just wants it over and done with and she’ll worry that you’re getting bored of waiting for her to climax.
Take some of that pressure off by reassuring her that you’re still in it with her. If you start to get a little tired, tell her you want her to come as much as she does. Tell her you don’t mind a challenge and keep helping her get there.
Don’t push yourself to the point of discomfort, though. She’ll be able to tell, which is going to make her feel bad and give her a distraction she doesn’t need.
It’s better to change to something you can do with less effort.
Switch to fingers so you can give your tongue a break. Try a different position so you’re not working the same muscles.
This is a great time to bring a toy into the mix. It will give you an opportunity to regain your strength.
Get Her There
I’m not going to pretend that an orgasm is always possible. There are times when nothing works and that’s just how it goes.
I also think there’s no reason to throw in the towel without a fight.
It’s rarely hopeless. It might take twenty minutes. It might take an hour. But if you’re willing to stick it out as long as she is, there’s a good chance you can help her get there.
There are a lot of ways to do that, but the best thing you can do is make it about her.
It’s easy to get a bruised ego when you can’t make your partner come (believe me, I’ve been there). But that can lead you down the wrong path. That’s when you’re likely to fuck too hard, stimulate her too intensely, and just keep trying the usual techniques instead of figuring out what she really needs in that moment.
As long as you focus on her and treat her struggle as a problem you’re both tackling together, you can help her come, even when your finishing moves can’t.
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