Your Partner Doesn’t Share Your Kink — Now What?

You can still get your rocks off

I count myself lucky to be kink-matched.

I’ve always had a strong relationship with my husband, but this has made it even better.

Over the last year, we’ve been exploring our kinks. And it just so happens that most of them line up very nicely.

Sex has become a lot more exciting since I’ve accepted that I’m a sexually submissive person, and it has given him the freedom to explore his dominant side.

I discovered I have a praise kink, which is perfect because Mr. Austin happens to get off on rewarding me for being a good girl, a dirty girl, or both.

I also can’t get enough of teasing, anticipation, and sexual buildup. And it just so happens that I married a man who has quite the talent for edging me, making me squirm with frustration, and bringing me to the point of begging for an orgasm.

Exploring those kinks brought us closer. It makes sex feel a lot more intimate. It gives us even more motivation to flirt with each other and be as seductive as we can be. We were already having great sex before, but there’s nothing like being fucked in the exact way you crave.

I’m incredibly grateful for that, because what are the odds? How many couples have their kinks match up so perfectly?

I keep wondering what my life would’ve been like if they didn’t.

It came close, really. For years, I was sure Mr. Austin didn’t have a dominant bone in his body.

When I realized how much I wanted a dirty talking man who takes charge during sex and takes the decision-making out of my hands, I thought it would have to stay a fantasy. One that my sweet vanilla husband wouldn’t be able to fulfill.

Only, it turns out that he was giving me vanilla sex for the same reasons I was giving it to him. He didn’t realize just how important domination was to him, and he was pretty sure I wouldn’t be into it.

Thank fuck I was wrong. But what if I had been right? I keep wondering what I would do if he really wasn’t into dominant sex — or was into the really rough stuff that turns me off.

It’s not like I’d divorce him just because he can’t fulfill my kinks. My relationship survived years without sex — it could definitely survive a lifetime of vanilla sex.

But I also wouldn’t want to completely suppress my desires and keep who I am from him. I’d want to be honest and find ways to explore my fantasies, even if he wasn’t on board with them.

Thankfully, there’s a lot of middle ground between those two options. If you’re with a partner who doesn’t share your kink, you don’t have to choose between breaking up and resigning yourself to sexual frustration. There are a lot of ways to satisfy those needs even if your partner can’t.

Here are the ones I would consider.

Get It Elsewhere

This is the most obvious option, but it can also be one of the most challenging ones to navigate, or even talk about.

How much you can explore with others depends entirely on your partner’s comfort with it.

If they’re really open, they might be fine with you having a friend with benefits who occasionally gives you the kind of kinky play you fantasize about.

They might be even more likely to agree to that if your kink doesn’t involve any actual sex. Like, if what you really want is to be a dom’s footstool once a month, or to make a sub lick the heel of your boot, or to get tied up and flogged until you can barely sit. It might be so different from the sex you have with your partner that they might not feel jealous, insecure, or threatened by it.

If seeing someone on the side feels too much like cheating for your partner, they might be more comfortable with you getting your rocks off with a sex worker. Hiring a professional dom to treat you like the rope bunny you are would involve a lot less emotional investment and personal entanglement. It would be a neat, clean transaction that no one has to feel weird about.

If any in-person contact is still too much, you could suggest getting off with camgirls or camboys who specialize in your kink. Someone who will fulfill your foot fetish fantasies at a distance, or who can give you the kind of gruff, degrading commands that really get you off.

Again, that’s not an option everyone will be comfortable with, and it can be a hard conversation to have. But coming up with an arrangement like this can help you get all your needs met without making your partner feel like they need to be someone they’re not in the bedroom.

Live It Vicariously

Hearing men talk dirty during sex has always been a huge turn on for me.

And there I was, married to a guy who was very quiet in bed. He’d go about it like he was focused on his craft — paying attention to his movements while he touched and fucked me, but doing it without saying a word.

Being verbal during sex didn’t come naturally to him, so I had to find another way to satisfy that desire.

“Dirty talk” became one of my porn search terms. I would get off eagerly to porn where the male performer kept saying dirty, nasty things to the woman he’s fucking — and I would close a video and look for something else if the guy just took all the sex quietly.

I got enough of that at home. I didn’t need it ruining my porn, too.

I’m more of a porn girl than an erotica girl, but I kept returning to erotica because it guaranteed a lot of dirty talk. Writers have to fill up that word count with lots of flirty dialogue, filthy banter, and descriptions of grunting, groaning, loud sex. I ate it up. And while I immersed myself in those stories, I got a little taste of what it would be like to have dirty stuff growled into my ear while getting pounded.

It was so fucking hot and it helped make up for the fact that I wasn’t getting to enjoy it in real life.

If your partner doesn’t share your kinks, give yourself plenty of time to indulge in porn and erotica that depicts them.

Find the studios, performers, and writers who create the dirty content that most closely matches what you fantasize about. An OnlyFans subscription or an occasional eBook purchase is a really small price to pay if it lets you satisfy that side of yourself.

Find Your Community

Whatever your kink is, there are others out there who have it. Finding and connecting with them can make a difference.

Sometimes, it’s not just the kinky sex you need — it’s feeling like there are people in your life who get where you’re coming from. If your partner isn’t one of those people, you can meet plenty of them online.

Joining Fetlife groups with likeminded people or spending time on the right subreddits can give you some of the validation, understanding, and sense of belonging that you need.

Finding your community also gives you a good support system because a lot of them will know what it’s like to have a partner who can’t fulfill all of your sexual needs.

Personally, I’m more of a lurker. But even that helps. When I discover some weird sexual quirk of mine, I’ll poke around online to see if anyone has written about it. Discovering other people like me makes me feel normal, which is always comforting. And reading their personal accounts and experiences helps me understand my kinks even better.

Roleplay Your Fantasies

Roleplaying your fantasies without actually engaging in them can be surprisingly satisfying. It can be a really good way to play around with your kink even when your partner isn’t comfortable actually engaging in it.

If you wish your partner would tie you up and get really rough with you, it can be extremely arousing to have them describe a scenario during your foreplay. They can tell you that you’ve been naughty and that they’re going to tie your wrists together, bend you over a chair, and whack your ass with a cane as punishment.

You know it’s not actually going to happen. They know it’s not going to happen. But you can both pretend and spice up the way you fuck.

I’ve used some of that with my husband, too. A few months ago, I had an unusually high libido for a while and it affected my fantasies. I suddenly found myself getting off to the thought of having my husband come in my mouth and swallowing it all up while he praises me for being such a good cock sucker.

But it wasn’t gonna happen. For one thing, my husband’s a delayed ejaculator so that seriously limits any opportunities for him to come in my mouth.

More importantly, though, I didn’t actually want it to happen. I’ve had come in my mouth before and I did not care for it at all.

Still, Mr. Austin knew I had been fantasizing about it, so he roleplayed it. When I gave him head, he would stroke my hair and say things like “If you keep this up, I’m going to come in your mouth. You’d love that, wouldn’t you?” I would nod and give a muffled agreement while I sucked him harder. It was such a turn on even though I knew it was all pretend.

Roleplaying only works, though, if you don’t need a whole lot of realism to get the fantasy going. I have certain kinks that require total and complete authenticity to enjoy.

My praise kink is one. Unless I know the praise is sincere, it’s not going to do anything for me. You can call me a good girl up and down, but it’s only going to turn me on if I know I’ve earned it and you mean it.

I also have a lot of fantasies where I’m more innocent and a lot less experienced than I am in real life. I’ve tried to roleplay those, but they just don’t work. I know I’ve been around the block already, and pretending I haven’t just doesn’t do it for me.

But if that need for authenticity isn’t an obstacle for you, you can see if your partner is down for a little pretend play. They might not be comfortable with actually giving you the kinky sex you want, but they might be comfortable enough to help you fake it.

Fantasize During Sex

If you can’t roleplay your kink, your partner doesn’t want to roleplay it, or they kind of suck at it (it happens), you can enjoy some straight up fantasizing during sex.

It’s something I’ve felt a tiny bit of guilt about in the past. I didn’t admit it to my husband for a long time because it made me feel like I wasn’t being present with him — like I had to fantasize about something other than what he’s doing to me so I can get off.

Except it’s not like that at all. The more I did it, the more I realized that I was present with him, big time. I was exploring my fantasies with him, and I was keyed in to the way he touched me, licked me, and fucked me. All of it enhanced my fantasy and kept me right there in the moment.

I used to do it a lot with anal sex. A few years into our marriage, I started having lots of anal sex fantasies and getting off almost exclusively to anal porn.

But I had stopped actually doing it. It had been years since Mr. Austin and I had anal and I wasn’t ready to revisit it just yet.

Instead, I would play it out in my head.

When he fucked me, I’d imagine he was giving me anal. I’d feel the thrust of his cock and picture it pounding my ass instead of my pussy. I would sometimes mentally shift our positions so it made sense, but it worked.

It wasn’t the same as actually getting my ass fucked — not even close. But it made the fantasies more vivid, the sex more pleasurable, and the orgasms stronger and more satisfying.

It helped me fill that need, even if it was only taking place in my head.

Anal isn’t off the table anymore. But I still use fantasies to explore other dynamics.

Mr. Austin will use sex toys on me while eating me out or fucking me and I’ll use it as an opportunity to lose myself in a threesome fantasy.

Or I’ll dress up in something cutesy — like my Alice in Wonderland costume — and use it to create a power imbalance in my mind.

You can do the same with your kink. Get up in your head to make the sex more enjoyable and your fantasies feel more like exploration.

Use Erotica During Sex

Reading fetish-specific erotica is a good way to explore your kink and find some satisfaction. But it can be even better when your partner is involved.

Ask them to read your favorite kinky stories out loud while you masturbate to them. Hearing the person you love carry you through a whole scenario is really fucking hot.

You’ll get off to it and they’ll get to see you lose yourself in your pleasure.

Or you can make it part of your foreplay. Have them read it to you to get you in the mood. Either way, it’s a really good bonding activity.

You can also listen to kinky erotica while having sex.

I own a pair of wireless earbuds that I bought specifically to use during sex, masturbation, and long-distance phone sex. There are so many ways to combine audio and sex and I wanted to be equipped to explore them all.

If you don’t have any, buy some. It makes everything you listen to so much more immersive. Then, download some audio erotica that really fires you up and play it while you fuck your partner.

If nothing else, they’ll get to enjoy the hornier, naughtier side of you that your kink brings out.

Come Up With a Compromise

Depending on your kink, you can find a way to explore it with your partner without going overboard.

If you’re an exhibitionist, they might not be comfortable fucking you in front of all your mutual friends. But they might be okay with you finding a stranger who would watch you fuck on cam, or just posting your nudes online.

If they don’t want to tie you down and aggressively throat fuck you even when you ask nicely, they might be fine with you wearing handcuffs while they give you a gentle facefuck.

The strongest couples are the ones who know how to compromise. That’s across the board, but it applies to sex too. Your partner should be willing to meet you part way and help you find a way to satisfy your kink, even if they don’t completely share it with you.

Find What Works

Being with a partner who can’t fulfill your kinks is never ideal, but it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to never explore them. Your sexual desires are an important part of who you are and you should find ways to make room for them in your life.

In some cases, that means opening up the relationship and getting those needs met elsewhere. For most couples, though, all it takes is open communication and a bit of experimenting.

Find what works for you. Talk it through, get a little creative, and figure out a way to be your kinky self — even if you just pretend you’re hogtied and getting your ass pounded.

Let’s keep in touch! Sign up for my weekly newsletter (I won’t send you anything without your enthusiastic consent!)

❤ If you liked this post, you might also love: