How to Deliver a Classic Shit Sandwich
That doesn’t include blame or criticism.
We are living in a time when you have to walk on eggshells, as you don’t know if you are talking to a man, woman, cyborg, or a they.
Learning to deliver a classic shit sandwich is helpful when dealing with that guy at work that shares every thought in his head. Or when dealing with the problem of daily texts from your mom.
The benefits of delivering a classic shit sandwich
I saw a psychic yesterday after she picked up the coffee cup; she said there was a little violence on the side of the cup. Which means I have anger (but not too much, she assured me) that had built up over the years.
This is because I don’t speak up enough.
I didn’t know how, nor have the balls to deliver a classic shit sandwich.
The benefits of being able to are:
- Setting boundaries.
- Changes the way you see the world.
- You get your needs met.
- Avoid conflict.
- Gain respect from others.
- Forced to deal with your demons.
- Develop compassion and empathy for others.
- Be happy, for once.
Downfall if you don’t
Volker Krohn, a facilitator at the Hoffman Process said:
“People who don’t assert their boundaries end up being lonely.”
I was lonely, and I didn’t get what he said.
In my head, I thought if you let people get what they want, even at my expense, they should like me.
Later I got it!
You end up being lonely because you or the other person (or both of you) do an unconscious dance.
You exit stage left from the relationship because neither of your needs get met.
You lie to yourself and feel justified in severing the friendship.
Instead of acknowledging the real reason. In your head, you compile a list of how they have wronged you. This translates into not returning their text messages, telling them you are too “busy” to meet up, and canceling at the last minute when you organize to meet up.
What is a shit sandwich?
It’s a method of giving some news or advice that the receiver may interpret as bad in a way that is direct and palatable to the receiver.
How to deliver a gourmet shit sandwich
It’s an art, a skill, a technique to deliver that little built-up Mount Vesuvius pressure that has built up when you sit next to someone at work that hasn’t had a shower for the last 21 days nor owned a toothbrush.
Or, for me, a mom who has been texting me every day or every second day for the last few months since I broke up with my partner.
When you sit next to someone every day at work, you don’t want to piss them off. Being passive-aggressive doesn’t get them to purchase soap and mouthwash.
As much as I love my mom, who has helped me through my breakup (bless her heart), texts every day are too much.
Non-violent communication
“Nonviolence is a weapon of the strong.”
— Mahatma Gandhi
The cleanest way to saddle up and give voice to your unspoken words is through non-violent communication.
Marshall B. Rosenberg is the founder of non-violent communication. He said you aren’t delivering your message to change another person or their behavior.
It’s setting up a relationship that is based on honesty and empathy. This will enable everyone’s needs to be met.
Your message will deliver how you are, without blame and criticism.
There are 4 parts:
#1. Observations — State what you see, hear and imagine that is free from evaluations. You are communicating an observation that doesn’t contribute to your well-being.
“When I (see, hear)…”
#2. Feelings — express the feeling or sensation you experience from this observation. Not your thoughts.
“U feel…”
#3. Needs — What need or value is not being met that is causing you to feel this way? Void focusing on a personal preference or behavior.
“… because I need/value…”
#4. Requests — The action that you would like taken.
“Would you be willing to …?”
Stick to the script and release it into the world.
The results will surprise you.
Like I was.
The Relapse
I have never had a drug addiction or had the DTs, but I went cold turkey on vegan chocolate jam donuts — for two weeks.
Don’t be surprised if, when you assert your boundary that the person does overstep, again.
When (or if) they do, state your feelings and a reference to the message you had delivered for your appropriate boundary and sign off with “I hope you understand.”
My mom did when she send me a pointless text 2 days later after the above exchange. And I felt the anger come up. I wanted to shoot back a text but didn’t.
I knew I had to reassert myself, and I wanted to change how I relate to women. The best way I knew how was to improve my relationship with my mom.
Determined to assert my boundaries, I replied (not react) to her text.
I expressed how I felt — sad and disappointed — and reminded her of the boundary I sent. I felt nervous, and that I was doing something wrong.
The next morning when I woke up, I felt like I had finally grown some balls. Women will no longer manipulate me.
I now see mom as a person, like you. Good point, not-so-good points.
How to be a connoisseur of a shit sandwich
Some people are moving through the world like a cactus. There are rather prickly because of their past trauma. They delivered their messages with rattlesnake-like venom.
Learn how to empathically receive their message without laying blame or criticism, but getting your needs met.
#1. Observations — What you observe that doesn’t contribute to the other person’s well-being. Comment on what they imagine and take in from you.
“When you see/hear…”
#2. Feelings — How they feel about what you observed. Not on what they thought.
“You feel…”
#3. Needs — What you need or value that causes the feeling. Not a specific action.
“…because you need/value…”
#4. Requests — The specific action you would like taken.
“Would you like…?
Empathically receiving their message will enrich your life. And you will avoid them taking something you don’t want to give.
Alone
On the TV series Alone, they threw ten people around Vancouver Island with only one large bag of survival gear and nothing else. They fend for themselves in the wild. Dealing with bears, cougars, hunger, the cold, and the hardness part of all — their mind.
Over the course of the show, you see them mentally break down and are constantly reframing why they are doing what they are doing. The winner gets $500,000.
When someone sprays a message over you, know it’s about them.
Why they do it is called Transference.
We pick up patterns from our parents when we are infants. Something triggers them to believe unconsciously you are their parent, and they react from their pattern.
Changing your perspective about it is called cognitive reframing. You look at a situation from another perspective.
However, it would be worth considering if it’s a message you have received from several people.
Delivering a classic shit sandwich takes a lot of courage. It will bring up your insecurities. “If I assert myself, will they leave me?”
When both people know where they stand in a relationship, there is a “cleanness” about the relationship. People don’t creep over the boundaries and thus, both people are happy.
When you consistently serve out your shit sandwiches, your life will radically change. This develops an attitude and way of being of how you interface with life.
You will accept what people, jobs, and circumstances meet your needs and reject what is not healthy. You will engage more with life as you are now getting more from life.