When Past Doesn’t Stay In The Past
How To Deal With Your Partner’s Obsessive Ex?
She is the past — you are the future.
My friend is happily married to a man who has children from a previous relationship. He is a devoted and loving father. He sought full custody of the children, but as it stands court favours mothers.
His two children are living with a narcissistic mother that alienates the children from their father.
His ex was obsessed with him during their short and turbulent relationship. She was deceitful, abusive, controlling and highly destructive. They hooked up while drunk.
The relationship lasted for few months and they broke up. A few weeks later she showed up pregnant. Due to her alleged health issues, this was her only shot at having children, so he took the responsibility and tried working things out.
While 5 months pregnant he caught her snorting cocaine with her ex-boyfriend in his house. She was out. He sought full custody but was given 50/50.
His ex never got over him — or rather the idea of having him nearby and helping her out: emotionally and financially. He was her narcissistic supply. Last year he got married to my good friend and his ex did all in her power to separate the two of them.
My good friend went through hell because of his ex. In an ideal world, no one should deal with their exes. Past should stay in the past.
We don't live in the ideal world.
It’s impossible for the ex to just disappear especially when he has children with her and he loves his children dearly. My friend’s partner grey rocks his narcissistic ex — but she still keeps coming back.
My friend and her partner moved away — she still stalks them online and uses children to gather all the information about their whereabouts and life.
The fact is the obsessive, narcissistic psycho is not going anywhere. So what can my friend do when both she and her partner are doomed to have this woman in their lives until the kids are adults?
Don’t play the game of the obsessive ex-partner.
If your partner’s ex is causing problems to your partner, you may feel like jumping in and saving him from the drama. Try your best to resist getting involved. Narcissists and toxic people crave attention, don’t reward them by giving her more attention than you have to.
If you can act as if she doesn’t exist at all.
Try to stay focused with your partner on his children — the ex doesn’t matter. Her anger will kill her soon anyway. You can’t control her, but what you can control is how you choose to react to her nonsense and the best reaction is no reaction.
If you find yourself thinking about things that she has done remember that you are actually giving into her. You should be rather focusing on meditating, improving your own life and making love to your partner.
Let the ex rot in her own misery.
Focus on your partner all night long.
Don’t ever let the ex come in between the relationship between you and your partner. Remember that that’s exactly what that woman wants to happen. Your relationship comes first, sometimes even above his children — you two are the only chance to show the kids what a loving relationship looks like.
Have date nights, build a future and have fun. Don’t waste time talking about his ex. You may talk about her when you too wish to have a good laugh about how obsessive that woman is.
Make love as often as you can. Focus on keeping your love and improving your communication skills. Very often psychotic exes can bring the couple even closer together and make them realize how much they actually love each other.
No ex can stand in your way. When you focus on just you two, you will become bulletproof. The ex can keep firing in vain.
Trust me, I speak from the experience.
Support each other but also take breaks when you can.
Sometimes your partner will need to talk about the ex and unfortunately during those times it would be best if you practise sympathy — don’t be dismissive of his feelings. You are his closest friend, the love of his life, sometimes he will need to confide in you.
Don’t get upset — be ready to listen to him. Be his reassurance and support. Let him know you’re on his side no matter what.
Sometimes though it would be wise for both of you to know how to step back from the drama and learn to enjoy the moment. Both of you need to practise self-care. The obsessive ex is an energy vampire don’t let them suck you dry.
When you want to rant about the ex, confide in your friends or therapists. Find a safe space where you can say words that won’t come back to haunt you, and where you won’t be judged or censored.
Being in a relationship is sometimes difficult. Being in a relationship with someone who has to deal with a crazy obsessive and ex is even harder. But it is not impossible to manage, remember she doesn’t matter.
She is the ex. The children will grow up and make their own minds about their obsessive mother. At the end of the day, always remember:
She is his past, but you’re his future.
Thank you for reading.
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