LIFE-LESSONS

I Defend Myself With Silence. You Should Too.

The best revenge is served in silence.

Tom Kuegler’s latest article got me thinking about the people who put me down in my life. Tom called out a certain writer, let’s call him The Critic, who has hurt Tom with a vicious comment. Tom waited, worked, and achieved great things, and then he served it all to The Critic, hoping to shut him up for good. Did it work?

No.

Tom gave into this hater, he gave him exposure and showed publicly how much The Critic played an important role in his life. Haters prey on attention and we must not give them that. Let me explain why.

The Little Boy Who Came Second

Since I can remember, people like Tom’s Critic always surrounded me.

In my fifth grade, I was bullied because I was Serbian. In 1999, NATO bombed Serbia. Most of the western media portrayed Serbians as dangerous. The kids in my class called me various names, and I had no friends.

There was a particular person, let’s call him Little Boy, who just loved to pick up on me. One name he used to call me was a “Muslim killer.” Now let that sink for a while.

How do you think it made an 8-year-old feel?

One day I won a school marathon. The Little Boy came second. I have stored my bronze medal in the school locker and by the time my parents came to pick me up, my locker was vandalized and they stole my medal. Later we found out it was The Little Boy who stole the medal. That’s when my parents decided I move to a private international school.

The English Teacher Who Misspelled a Word

In high school, my favourite subject was the English language even though it was foreign to me. I worked hard, had private tutors and even attended after-school English courses. I did all of that to become better than other kids.

I always handled more assignments, wrote more essays, hoping to get the best grades. I never did. My English teacher always found a mistake, even where there wasn’t any to find. One day I took all my assignments to my private tutor to review, which found mistakes in my English teacher’s “corrections”. Ha!

The next day I confronted my English teacher and asked her what is the reason that she has never given me an excellent grade? After all, I work more than the rest of the class. Without looking at me she responded: “A foreigner will never speak nor write better than a native speaker. That’s why.”

I had to endure this injustice for the next two years until a new teacher arrived and appreciated my efforts.

The Old Lady Who Wished To Write About War

I applied three times to the prestigious film academy. To get accepted, one needs to undergo six rounds of interviews. Each time I qualified for the last round.

I had to receive a “YES” from all the professors. Somehow I never received a “go” from an Old Lady, who was once a very prominent cinematographer.

I confronted her in front of her colleagues. What is the reason that she is saying no to me for the third time?

While smoking a cigarette, she responded:

“You are trouble. You don’t fit here. You’re too opinionated and you write about topics which are of high sensitivity such as World War II or Yugoslav Wars which you know nothing about. ”

She added, this time directly looking at me:

“…and I don’t like you.”

It hurt. It did, and to be honest, still does. I felt like I wasted three years of my life applying to this university when all along they never intended to accept me.

Why did they let me undergo all the rounds? Why not eliminate me at the start?

This time a man responded.

“We were curious what you would write… You write well, but as (The Old Lady) says we are not sure if you are a right fit for us.”

I stood up, and before leaving I agreed with them.

Later that year they accepted me to another film university where I met an Oscar-winning cinematographer who knew this lady. He had no kind words for her. He became my mentor and helped me improve my writings.

Just recently he wrote a letter of recommendation which has become priceless as he has just passed away.

A Lier Who Yearned To Be Believed

For years I’ve had a little invisible enemy, who lurked in shadows and worked against me. I was never friends with them, we just had a mutual circle of friends so occasionally we exchanged words.

They asked me for help on a few occasions and I helped them out.

They always seemed polite to me, so it came as a great shock when I learned that this man has spoken untruthful and malicious things about me to various people. Why? I would never know.

Even after confronting this person, their lies would not stop. The worst part is that others started questioning me rather than him. Unfortunately, if you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.

I wished to clear my name and address these lies by going to each individual who has been lied to and explain my side of the story. I even gathered evidence. It was exhausting and did not revert the damage which was done.

Recently I learned this person is quite dangerous, a pathological liar with a narcissistic personality disorder and god knows what else. I can still occasionally hear his lies, but I don’t react anymore. Any reaction from me feeds that monster, and I want it starved.

Conclusion

Worrying and retaliating against your haters makes you bitter. It’s easy to be resentful and feel justified — but don’t. Understand that what we feed grows, and what we starve dies.

First, don’t react to your haters — it only feeds them. Second, realize their words are more about something unresolved within them than you. There’s a saying in psychology, “If you spot it, you got it.”

Third, be grateful.

Hate, love, critique, jealousy and praise are all acknowledgement. You’re no longer ignored. You’ve made it to the spotlight. Are you getting hate even though you’re doing outstanding work?

Good job, you’ve made it to the next level just like Tom Kuegler.

In my experience, it is the most hateful people, who cause the most harm to others, that are the ones who want revenge. It is a close cycle of emotional immaturity and underdeveloped emotional intelligence. It is the logic that if they feel pain there must be a person who deserves punishment for it.

It is childish.

The Critic who was wrong about Tom Kuegler.

The Little Boy was outrun by a Serbian girl.

The English teacher was “corrected” by a foreigner.

The Old Lady who could not write about War.

The Liar who yearned to be believed.

I remember your names but I will never call you out. You don’t deserve attention. I have given you enough of my attention when I was younger and less experienced.

You deserve my silence instead.

In that silence you will rot, your anger will devour you, and so will hopelessness. And we will forget you…

In silence, you will be destroyed.

Silence is the best way to beat a hater. Focus on your future, not on cold retribution. In the future that builds your capacity for love and creativity, for actual intelligence, the other is a pathway to emotional indifference, the severe swap of evil deeds.

Revenge is an ugly thing, don’t give in.

Thank you for reading.