Abuse Has No Excuse
How Narcissistic Mothers Resemble “Grinch”
She ruined her Christmas first and then her life.
My closest friend grew up with a narcissistic mother. Up until her father was present she used to celebrate Christmas, Easter, birthday’s and attend many child-friendly events. Unfortunately, her mother did all in her power to cut contact between her and her father.
Now, years later when she is grown up — she doesn’t speak to her mother and she has reconnected with her father. When she was a child her father did all that he could to take her into his custody and provide her with a better life.
The last birthday she celebrated with her father was when she was 9 years old, since then her mother has made no effort to celebrate her birthdays. She usually made an excuse such as:
“Your father is not paying me enough so therefore we won’t be celebrating anything from now on...”
The funny thing is that her parents separated when she was an infant and since then her mother had over 6 relationships. Yes, my friend had too many stepfathers. Somehow, even with the support of the stepfather, her wider family, her mother’s job her mother was unable to buy her daughter a present or just take her out to a cinema…
Her mother had all the resources to provide my friend with a “semi-happy” childhood, instead, she focused on herself. And that’s what narcissistic mother’s do. They think only about themselves:
- They lack empathy;
- They are self-centred;
- They are passive-aggressive;
- They gaslight and guilt-trip you.
My friend’s mother was always also very jealous of her. Jealous that her father could provide and give her more than she can. So instead of promoting the relationship, she tried to erase him from her life. By doing so she destroyed my friend’s childhood.
During her adolescence, my friend developed various mental health issues and had severe troubles socializing with others.
She believed that love is conditional. She had many toxic relationships when she was a teenager. She already had her first “boyfriend” when she was just 12. She constantly sought love, approval from others. The boys used her a lot and she was bullied at school.
When she was 13, she was slapped by one of her “boyfriends” after not wanting to give him a blow job. Later, he spread rumours about her — and she was known at school as a “whore”.
You see, because of her narcissistic mother she became a “people-pleaser”, she lost her own sense of identity. After all those years in her mother’s care, she had to meet the needs and wishes of her mother first, and in order to receive “attention”.
For years she battled (and still is) with insecurity. She neglected her own needs and wishes: she was talented at painting — she stopped; she was a good swimmer, her father taught her — but her mother never took her to swim; she wrote stories and poems — her mother ripped them to pieces.
They were a waste of time.
She felt like she was a bother, a burden to others and that she doesn’t deserve to be loved and cared for. At times she was suicidal and started self-harming herself when she was 12.
All this neglect, emotional and psychological abuse has made my friend question everything, everyone around her. At times she either avoided people (me included) just because she was scared of losing people — so why even create attachment — when everyone is likely to leave her anyway?
On other occasions she chased everyone to be her friend, to play with her, comfort her and ultimately love her. And at times when she did find people who liked her — she was constantly asking them for validation and reassurance about whether they really wanted her or whether she is enough for them.
Children of narcissistic mothers are overly-sensitive, insecure, unable to see themselves as good, worthy and lovable. Tragically, later in life, they are more prone to attract narcs into their lives.
She was unable to speak her mind, nor form an opinion of her own. All of her opinions were her mothers. If she challenged her mother, love would be withheld, so naturally, she would do almost anything in order to be loved.
She has undergone several therapies and is currently living in the same town as her biological father, far away from her mother. But she hasn’t healed yet. As an adult she often feels:
- Not good enough;
- Scared to speak up her own mind;
- Insecure of herself and worried what other people think of her;
- Has issues with intimate relationships — either fall for toxic men or displays traits of narcissism herself and acts out towards good men;
- She has anxiety, depression and eating disorder;
My friend is not a victim though — not anymore. She is a warrior now. She has been emotionally and psychologically abused by her own mother. The mother that stole her Christmases and her childhood.
There are too many mothers out there like this — abusing children. They are hard to spot because, in public, they act as other parents do. But as soon as the curtain falls — they show their real faces. And as a child you don’t have many choices: you can either fight it or surrender.
My friend left her mother when she was 18 years old to live with her father. She is healing now but very slowly. She is catching up on everything that she has lost because of her mother.
Adults who were raised as children by narcissistic mothers don’t just get over the abuse. It takes years of strong family, friends and therapeutic support to help them heal and learn healthy behaviours that will help them eliminate the insecurities. And it is possible!
My friend knows now that what happened to her was not her fault. The system has failed my friend and so many other children. But where is a will there is a way!
This year, my friend and I will be celebrating Christmas together, as we did for the last 5 years.
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