How I Conquered my Shame

My life-long battle with this negative legacy emotion

Do you know the difference between guilt and shame?

Guilt is when you think you “did something bad,” and shame is the feeling that “I am bad.”

It’s something that all of us carry inside. Psychologists often refer to it as a negative legacy emotion. It had its purpose in evolution, but it only has a negative influence today. When we feel shame, we feel “less than,” worthless, inadequate and powerless.

Bullies and judgmental critics manipulate shame to feel powerful over others. Bad managers use it in offices to “control” their staff. Destructive lovers weaponize the shame of their partner to give them the upper hand.

It can be a debilitating force — one that prevents us from taking the necessary steps to take control of our lives and actively seek out happiness. The foundation of shame is typically laid in our childhood by our interactions with our families, peers, teachers and others.

As I now know, the early days are important. I’ll show you how my development planted the seeds of shame, its mechanics, failed attempts to compensate for my shame and finally four steps to put shame in its place.

Early Development Deficiencies

Even when I was little, I was a bit of a challenge. I was colicky and would scream bloody murder when my parents took me out to dinner. Let’s just say, I was very willful and got chastised for being bad — like when I protested I was big enough to pour my own pancake syrup and dumped about 16 ounces of sticky liquid goodness in my lap. Our IHOP waitress was not amused.

Generally speaking, however, I was a good kid. In fact, when I went to pre-school and kindergarten, I was confused to see kids being mean to each other. In my mind, everyone was supposed to be nice, share and generally be pleasant to each other. Those were the rules.

Being born at the end of May, I was young for my grade, and the first several years showed it. I wasn’t as quick to learn or smooth to interact. Suddenly immersed in this new world of many new things and new people, it was probably a little too much for me to take.

I tried to figure it out, but I was trapped in my mind, watching and analyzing. The more I tried to understand, the more I withdrew into my mind. And the more I thought, the farther behind I fell. Falling behind led to me being different, which was quickly followed by teasing, bullying, staying after class for extra help and weekend tutors.

“Shyness and a tendency to withdraw from others are the direct results of shame, and they prevent us from being self-assertive,” writes Dr. Peter Breggin in Shame, Guilt and Anxiety.

As I fell behind, I was taken to fringe “experts” in new age, holistic medicine — it was Los Angeles in the 90s after all.

I still remember her name: Peace R. A big blonde, kooky lady who wore lots of tie-dye. She had me shuffle and deal cards and perform a variety of coordination and dexterity tests. We also focused on reading because I had a problem getting words out.

I had to wear sunglasses colored lights inside that would flash and blink and spin. To this day, I have no idea what they were testing. Perhaps it was a home-MacGyvered EEG test for epilepsy. All I know is that my parents laughed at her verdict when she proclaimed that I had been dropped on my head as a baby and that’s why I was left handed and a little behind.

Planting the Seeds of Shame

The problem with all of this is that I was trying to figure out what was going on. To a kid who just wants to fit in, weird tests, parent-teacher discussions, and weekend tutor treatment actually have the opposite effect. Instead of getting out of my head and moving past my mounting shame and anxiety, I became more focused on how different I was.

Why wasn’t I just like everyone else?

“Sometimes the most dangerous thing for kids is the silence that allows them to construct their own stories — stories that almost always cast them as alone and unworthy of love and bellowing,” writes shame research and storyteller Brené Brown in Braving the Wilderness.

As I struggled to find ways to fit in, I spent more time watching others and continued to withdraw. My ability to mimic others would come in handy later on, but, at the moment, I only reinforced my difference. While our playground didn’t exactly mirror Lord of the Flies, he who was different would bear the brunt of the bullying. Being picked on and teased just reinforced my feeling of otherness and deepened my insecurity.

This continued for years. I grew ashamed of myself. I got pressure from my parents to do better. I got teased at school for not being smart enough. This led me to focus on not humiliating myself, which meant I wasn’t focused on school. It was a revolving cycle of misery. It’s no wonder that I put on some weight, which only added to my insecurities.

By 6th and 7th grade, I had finally found the power to stand up for myself, verbally, and physically. I hardened up and decided that nasty kids were just assholes. Yet, psychologically, all I was doing was rejecting them before they had the opportunity to reject me. Deep down inside, I was still filled with the insecurity that I wasn’t good enough. That I was an imposter who didn’t belong with everyone else.

I didn’t know it yet, but this was a cycle that would continue to play out over and over in my life.

“When teenagers gang up on a vulnerable peer…teenage cliques and gangs usually justify their emotional and physical assaults by identifying themselves as somehow ‘special’ and their victim as somehow ‘different,’” writes Breggin.

The Mechanics of Shame

If we are repeatedly belittled and feel inadequate during our early development, we can become trapped in a cycle and doomed to repeat this behavior over and over — in family situations, relationships and even jobs.

“Shame functions by making us feel powerless or insignificant and worthless. We are inhibited from asserting ourselves for fear of failing and enduring increasing shame and humiliation,” writes Breggin. “Students or employees may find themselves at the mercy of an emotionally abusive teacher or boss but believe it is in their best interest to endure the situation.”

So not only does the shame we feel destroy our confidence in the moment, it also makes us feel powerless to change our circumstances for the better. In many cases, we truly begin to believe that we deserve these feelings of worthlessness and rejection.

I know that was the case for me. I have endured several positions in my career where my performance was never good enough or my hours were never long enough. I even walked straight into jobs and clients I knew would be abusive. Maybe it felt familiar? Maybe I was trying to break the cycle by force of will?

Breggin explains that another characteristic of shame is that we don’t like to admit we are feeling helpless — that would only add to our humiliation.

Whether in the office or dating, shaming is manipulative and abusive. In the office, managers dangle conditional acceptance to some inner circle to keep us working hard — while we stretch ourselves thin and corrode from within. The same goes for relationships. I’ve had a series of ex-girlfriends that would love me if I only did X or Y. I always needed to change, to be something more.

The most disturbing part is the people who do this to others never admit the error of their ways; they just leave the victim with the residual damage.

“Perpetrators do not feel guilty, ashamed or anxious about their vile actions; they feel justified, entitled and empowered. Their innocent victims are the ones who end up with a lifetime legacy of self-defeating, negative emotions,” writes Breggin.

Failed Escapes from Shame Island

As we grow up, we are constantly surrounded by advice to improve happiness and meaning in our lives. This advice could come from practically anywhere, but we live in a society where many equate wealth, luxury, comfort, pleasure and materialism with success, fulfillment and happiness.

There always something bigger, better, smarter or prettier to pursue. I tried a number of different paths to try to fill up my internal void and compensate for my insecurities.

In the end, they all failed — some more miserably than others — but here’s a rapid-fire rundown of how and why.

Sports: I channeled my pain into athletic skills that I could build and see progress. Over time, I became too obsessed with winning, which is its own form of conditional and fleeting esteem.

Physical Fitness: Science proves the value of eating right, sleeping right and getting enough physical activity. Benefits include lower stress, stronger immune system, better cognitive abilities, emotional resiliency, improved mood, and self-confidence. But, unfortunately, getting jacked didn’t do anything to crush the debilitating effects of my inner shame.

Drugs: When the bullying returned, I started to numb out — first with marijuana and then more experimental substances. But the drugs just jumbled the mind so I could step outside of myself. Advocates of microdosing point to the resetting of neuro-circuitry of the mind, but obliterating my perceptions of the world did nothing to help me fix how I was broken inside.

Alcohol: College was the true beginning of 17-year run with alcohol, ending in chemical dependence and rehab. It numbed me out, twisted my thinking, and inflated my ego. I’d drink to overshadow my insecurities with arrogance, or I’d wallow in my worthlessness. Over time, I grew more emotionally volatile, my behavior grew more selfish and I rotted from within.

People Pleasing: My close observation of others endowed me with a unique talent. I became a chameleon who could transform into whatever anyone wanted. I lost myself trying to please others, and my boundaries eroded in my desperate need to be liked. Emotional vampires preyed upon my vulnerabilities, which only worsened as I became a stranger to myself.

Relationships: Combined with dating apps and a clever tongue, my chameleonic talent helped try to fill the emptiness inside through serial monogamy. I became co-dependent and relied upon my exes to dictate my self-worth. I was always looking for external validation from my partners; it was only given conditionally (if I did X) or in the early days of heavy romance. But what I sought, they never could give.

Career Status and Success: Work was my other pursuit of external validation. I worked as hard as I could to claim. I became one of the youngest senior vice presidents at my firm, won industry praise, and worked with the biggest brands. And I felt completely empty. Work cannibalized my life, anxiety ruled my waking hours. Ultimately, I ran into the perfect storm. While trying to quit alcohol, my imposter syndrome reared its ugly head at the same time that I was being shamed worse than ever before. I imploded.

Intellectual Control: If I was always right, I was beyond reproach, right? If I prove my intelligence, then I can’t be shamed, right? I turned into a perfectionist at work to avoid scrutiny, and I spent all my time trying to win every argument. Two problems: perfectionism does not exist— so it’s actually a shame setup — and this mindset invalidates and shuts out others.

Wealth and Materialism: You likely know that this doesn’t work already. Well, it’s confirmed. Money doesn’t buy happiness. It makes you want more money though, and it leads you to compare yourself to others. You become a conspicuous consumer, who flaunts brands like badges. It’s just an empty pursuit, leading to only temporary satisfaction.

Four Steps to Win your Showdown with Shame

There’s one place where shame will always grow and thrive, and that’s in the deep, dark corners of our minds where we hide our secrets. By threatening further humiliation and powerlessness, shame keeps us silent so it can grow and infect every part of our self-worth.

“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists — it’s so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees,” explains Brown. “Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither.”

So, this leads us to the four steps to overcome its control, which are based on Brown’s recommendations in “Daring Greatly.”

1. Name your Shame

After clearing my head of the fog created by years of substance use, the first major step was to be brutally honest with myself and dig into the painful memories I’d tucked away in the back of my mind.

Given the avoidance of vulnerability, I needed a patient guide (therapist) to keep me on the path of self-discovery and nudge me through the discomfort of identifying why I never felt good enough. Once I realized my shame was caused by childhood insecurities, outsider status, and a desire to fit in, it was easy to recognize the cycle that I had been replaying throughout my life.

After I identified the root cause of my shame, I could acknowledge it, recognize its irrational influence over my current state in life and choose to reject it. I was also able to forgive myself for being powerless to manipulators in my past and use the knowledge of those experiences to support my future.

2. Always Stay on the Look Out for Shame

Shame has the potential to creep into our lives every day. I try to be constantly vigilant and look out for where it might come from next.

It could be the residual emotions you feel dealing with overbearing parents or in-laws. It could be an office manipulator. It could be a partner who constantly puts you down. Possibly even a friend who always takes and never gives.

As a former people pleaser, I used to overcommit and promise too many things to too many people. I didn’t want to let them down, but, ultimately, I would let everyone down because I’d spread myself to thin. By trying to help everyone, I was incapable of genuinely helping anyone.

The next time you’re feeling helpless, unworthy, or insecure, ask yourself whether the feeling is coming from something in your past or if the feeling is irrational. Once you’ve identified the cycle of shame from your past, it becomes easier to spot it and stop it in the present.

The key is to understand that we all have the power to break the cycle. While it may feel like we’re chained to that bad job or abusive relationship, we usually do, in fact, have a choice. It’s likely not quick or easy. But when you’re trapped in a rut, enduring emotional pain now to break out of a toxic situation is worth the long-term benefits.

For me, I’ve realized that I no longer need to take on bullies in positions of power. I’ve learned to accept that I am actually worthy of healthy relationships and unconditional love. I’ve learned that people respecting me and my boundaries is more important than them always liking me.

3. Share your Shame

While it is humiliating to admit you’re powerless over something, it’s actually the best way to take back control and empower yourself. In fact, Professor and Psychologist James Pennebaker studied what happens to trauma survivors when they keep their stress a secret.

“The research team found that the act of not discussing a traumatic event or confiding it to another person could be more damaging than the actual event,” writes Brown in Daring Greatly. “Conversely, when people shared their stories and experiences, their physical health improved, their doctor’s visits decreased and they showed a significant decrease in their stress hormones.”

In case you haven’t noticed, that’s what I’m doing right now. When I first started sharing my humiliating experiences on Medium, it was a little terrifying, but not anymore. Of course, years of group therapy did prime me to mine my past in public. If you’re hesitant, you can always start small or keep your most vulnerable writing to yourself. It’s the action that matters.

4. Empathy Kills Shame

Since shame is the fear of disconnection with others, it makes sense that we could overcome our shame by connecting with others. Like sharing your personal writing, empathy takes courage. And it only works when we remove all the mental armor and defenses that we carry around with us all day.

Empathy is “simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘you’re not alone,’” writes Brown.

Like many men, I was very resistant to therapy at first. I felt it made me weak, which I’ve realized couldn’t be further from the truth. It takes a lot of trust, vulnerability, and strength to open up to someone else. Being closed off to others, cynical and hardened to the world is much, much easier, and safer.

There is great power in connecting with a friend, family member, or a therapist who is listening, really listening, and trying to relate. Through this trustful connection, we can remember that we all experience shame, can be humiliated, and experience powerlessness from time to time.

It’s easy to be ashamed in the dark, but it’s hard to stay embarrassed for long when your shame is exposed to the light of day. Good luck with your own battle with shame.

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