Here’s What Happens When We Talk About Sex

Sexuality is part of being human, too.

I grew up fairly sheltered. I don’t remember being taught much about sex or reproduction, beyond the basics. It was (and to some extent still is) a pretty taboo subject.

I didn’t know many things about my own health — both sexual and not — and I certainly didn’t believe sex was a great thing for anyone. I wasn’t able to see it as something pleasurable for years, because it always seemed to come with side effects and a hefty dose of shame.

But eventually when I was older, I started doing my own research — and discovered things I should have known much earlier.

And now I’m able to recognize that regardless of our orientation, sexuality is part of being human, too.

There is still a lot of stigma surrounding sex — especially for women — but it’s important to understand that talking about it actually has the potential to help a lot of people. So that’s why I write about it.

And here’s what happens.

By sharing information, we can learn.

Talking about sex doesn’t have to be dirty (unless you want it to be).

Regardless of our background and sexual orientation, there’s quite a lot to learn. And while I do enjoy writing fun and humorous pieces, my main goal is to share what I’ve learned; what has worked — and not worked — for me, in the hopes that it might help other people to be safe, have fun, and stay healthy.

Example: I’m fairly sure I had several UTI’s (Urinary Tract Infections) when I was a teenager and young adult, and didn’t realize what was happening at the time. Yes, I was pretty oblivious at the time, despite being severely uncomfortable. But I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Crazy, right?

Now looking back I definitely recognize the symptoms, and I also suspect I know the most likely reason that they occurred.

Ladies, it is very important to pee after sex. Please don’t make the mistakes I did and get yourself into a painful situation. Men, that’s good for you to know, too, if you didn’t already. Although some are more prone to UTI’s than others, women should relieve themselves after sex to help flush out any bacteria and reduce the chance of getting an infection.

Spread the word.

If I can share from my experiences and help someone else, I know that’s a necessary step in the right direction.

• Maybe there’s a woman out there who is just as ill-informed as I was, and doesn’t yet even understand her own body. And (although I speak from my own experience as well as do my research, I am by no means a medical professional) perhaps I can help generally educate and save her some pain (like UTI’s!).
• Maybe there’s a woman out there who is ashamed that she even has sexual urges to begin with. Perhaps I can help her understand that those feelings are natural and healthy, and that finding pleasure in a safe manner is nothing to be ashamed of.
• Maybe there’s a woman out there who feels alone and simply wants to know there’s someone else who feels the same things that she does, but is afraid to talk about it. Maybe she can relate to me and my experiences.
• Or maybe there’s a man out there who is ill-informed or simply curious, and wants to know more about women’s bodies. Perhaps he’s never heard a woman’s honest perspective before. And maybe he can learn or understand a little better how we feel from the way I tell my stories.

By talking about sex in a healthy manner, we might slowly lift the veil of shame.

Let me start by saying I never want to pressure anyone into talking about something that makes them uncomfortable. If you’re not ready to talk about it or have no interest in discussing your experience (or lack thereof) with anyone — that’s totally fair.

However, I personally started from a place of shame. Through education, experience, and loving partners, I’ve thankfully learned to embrace my sexuality.

It’s been quite a journey for me, and I can honestly say that learning to take control of the way I feel and understand my own sexuality, has been incredibly freeing.

I’ve found my own sense of empowerment through learning about sex and learning about myself in general. I no longer feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit that yes, I have sex, and yes, it’s totally awesome.

And I hope that slowly more people will be able to feel that freedom, too.

By opening up about sex in general, we pave the way to bring up topics that really should be talked about.

Topics such as:

• Consent, and the nuanced questions somehow still surrounding it. (Ultimately “no” means “no”, if anyone was wondering.)
• Differences in sexuality; heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, asexual — everyone is different, and everyone deserves to be able to talk about sex (or not talk about it) how they choose to, without judgement or shame. I still have a lot to learn too. Just in these past few months alone my perception has expanded, reading about sexual orientations and experiences that are different from my own.
• Sexually transmitted diseases; how common some of them are, how to prevent them, and the importance of getting checked.
• Stealthing. This is a term I learned about somewhat recently, but essentially it’s when a man removes the condom during sex without his partner’s knowledge. It’s pretty clear that’s a form of sexual assault, because the recipient did not consent to unprotected sex, but there is currently still debate as to whether it could actually be punishable by law.
• Protection and birth control; knowing what options you have, understanding that birth control is actually NOT just about sex, and choosing what’s best for you. For example, I choose to get a form of longer-term birth control called an IUD (Intra-Uterine Device) about a year and a half ago, and many of my friends have since asked me about my experience with it. So in response, I wrote up this piece to help more people understand it:

(My experience with it has been awesome for the most part, if you’re interested.)

So many different factors are involved in sexuality, intercourse, and sexual health. And if we keep talking about them, hopefully we can help inform, educate, enlighten, and empower one another.

And who knows? Maybe from what you read and/or learn, your sex life could even get more exciting! Wink, wink.

Sex doesn’t necessarily have to be dirty or shameful, especially when you’re being safe and responsible. Humans have body parts that can make us feel really good; and if that’s the case, it’s natural to want to use them. We just need to be safe, understanding, and respectful about it.

So, to those who find talking about sex gross or offensive, feel free to hit the road. But I hope for everyone’s sake you can open your mind enough to understand why I’m going to keep writing about it.

Education, understanding, and empowerment are increasingly important. So I hope you’ll stick around, and maybe you’ll even start writing about it too.

Because, well, some things just really need to be talked about.

© Samantha Blake 2020

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