Find Empowerment by Taking Charge of Your Sex Life

They say confidence is sexy — inside the bedroom and out of it

We were all beginners once. Whether it was good or bad or somewhere in between, we’ve all had a first time where we didn’t know what the hell we were doing in the bedroom.

Personally, in my case it was pretty anti-climatic. I recall thinking at the time, “Wait, this is what it means to have sex?” I could not for the life of me, understand what all the fuss was about.

But, for many of us — especially us women, from what I’ve heard — the first time typically isn’t the greatest. And it may not get that much more exciting for a long time, depending on your situation — how much you’re experimenting, if you’re with the same person all the time or not, and how your confidence level grows.

My confidence didn’t change at all for many years. I didn’t become sexually active until 18, slept with the same guy (doing the same things) until I was 22, and after that — my experiences were few and far between for a long, long time, so I truly wasn’t able to gain sexual confidence until much later.

But when I did, being able to take charge of my own sex life rocked my world. Literally.

First of all, how many people grew up thinking masturbation was dirty, unethical, or some variation of sinful? I’m guessing a lot. For me, it felt sinful to even say the word.

But here’s the thing — the majority of us do it, even if many people won’t admit it. Every human being comes with parts that make us feel really, really, good. Those parts are there for a reason, and we now know that orgasms are actually good for us. Sex and masturbation are stress relievers! It’s not only biological urges to reproduce (although those are definitely there) that make us want to do it.

This is especially true for women’s parts. Did you know the clitoris is actually close to 4 inches long? Only a small portion of it is actually visible on the surface, and the rest is hidden inside our body. It is extremely sensitive, and comes with 8,000 nerve endings, just for our pleasure.

And, it doesn’t stop there. When a woman has a clitoral orgasm, those 8,000 nerves spread the overwhelming feeling to another 15,000 nerve endings in the surrounding area of the pelvis, which is why many women describe orgasms being a whole-body experience.

Talk about a pleasure center.

Sex isn’t necessarily something to take lightly — but that doesn’t mean we can’t and shouldn’t enjoy it, either. Over time, a few things have stood out to me that can truly make my sexual experience exciting and fulfilling: communication, suspense, and mutual pleasure/chemistry.

Communication

Have you ever had a bad experience in bed — ranging from uncomfortable and weird to objectively hilarious — but you lied and said it was good? And then, some time down the line it comes up again and you both realize that it was legitimately terrible for both of you and there was no need to lie at all?

This has definitely happened to me. Afterwards, it was hilarious. At the time, not so much — perhaps one of the most awkward nights of my life.

And honestly, it could have been avoided if one or both of us were actually open about what we did and didn’t want.

Yes, it’s great to use physical cues, but sometimes a good ole’ fashioned yes or no can be pretty helpful in exploring what works best for you. If you don’t love the way he’s doing something, tell him how it would feel better instead. And if you are thoroughly enjoying it, let him know that, too.

If it’s great, it’ll go in the books for wanting to do it again.

Suspense

Sometimes, suspense can really heat things up. I especially enjoy when I’m the one who starts it, either by sending a simple sext or using subtle physical brushes up against him to let him know I’m in the mood.

Depending on my (and his) comfort level, it can be fun to start the suspense when we’re doing something else, or even when we’re out in public. I’ll start teasing him a little (discreetly), and on the way home it’s all we can think about. The suspense grows between us and we know we’re going to rip each other’s clothes off as soon as we walk through the door.

Even at times when it’s not so built up in our minds (too much buildup can also sometimes backfire), if he knows I’m feeling frisky, it usually makes him aroused, too.

A little tease here and there can get him incredibly horny, and it builds until we can both feel the heat — and that’s when I take control and drop his pants, knowing he is dying for my touch.

Mutual pleasure/Chemistry

Sexual chemistry is real. I believe you can try to make it work over time between two people who don’t have great chemistry (I’ve done it, and it worked out but was unfortunately never that amazing), but it’s a hell of a lot easier and more natural when you know you click with someone.

This might seem a little obvious, but allow me to elaborate. I know a lot of what my partner loves for me to do to him, and when he’s turned on, it usually turns me on, too. And vice versa. Obviously this is going to vary, but this works for me because we have great sexual chemistry.

If I know he’s dying for me to go down on him, and it’s obvious he’s enjoying himself while I’m down there, I tend to get pretty aroused knowing I’m giving him so much pleasure.

Then, when both of us have “prepared” enough, I climb aboard and take the reigns, once again controlling his pleasure. This is a major confidence boost, because I’m learning how to ride in a way that he can’t resist.

Add some dirty talk while I’m up there, and by the sounds he’s making I know he’s having the time of his life. It’s both orgasmic and incredibly empowering.

And ladies — this may not be true for every guy, but in my experience, there is some true power in cupping a man’s jewels. Don’t be aggressive though! Make sure he’s into it. Fondle his boys while he’s inside you, and he’ll be unable to contain his pleasure.

Taking charge in the bedroom (and of your sex life in general) can be both freeing and empowering. We women have built-in pleasure centers that are there to give us a blissful experience, so don’t forget about it, and don’t take it for granted.

Self-pleasure should be a part of self-care in my book, so try getting to know yourself and figuring out what you like and what works the best. Embrace your sexuality, and own your body — that’s where empowerment in the bedroom started for me.

Open communication with your partner can be a game-changer in your sex life. You don’t have to have a huge discussion about everything, but don’t necessarily hold back either, if you’re really into (or not into) something they’re doing. See what makes you both feel good.

Sex is natural, relieves stress, and can be pretty damn fun. So try getting in there and taking charge, and let the adventures begin.

© Samantha Blake 2020

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