Sexuality

How Discovering Porn Helped Me Become a More Confident Woman

Spoiler alert — sex onscreen isn’t like sex in real life, and that’s really okay

Before two years ago, I had never watched pornography.

I remember discovering my sexuality when I was pretty young — even though I don’t remember ever really having any conversation about sex growing up. I knew I liked guys and I knew what felt good but waited to lose my virginity until I was eighteen and a freshman in college.

I lost it to someone I loved, and that’s how I wanted it. Trusted, safe, respected, comfortable.

The sex was fine between us, but never anything to really rave about. Looking back, it was actually boring as hell.

But I didn’t know that at the time.

Watching other people have sex online had honestly never occurred to me, because like many others, I had been brought up believing that it was dirty and unethical. As if watching people hump one another would automatically degrade you.

Masturbation felt like a dirty word for most of my life, and watching porn was something other people did — but I had no need to see that.

I was already ashamed enough of my own body and what I did with it; there was no need to add other people’s naked bodies to my mental mix.

That is, until years went by — my college boyfriend and I broke up, a few others came and went in my life — and then several years ago at the end of the worst relationship of my life, my ex told me flat-out that I was bad at sex. And for good measure, he went and told my friends, too.

This was a low point in my life for many reasons, but I found myself being both completely humiliated and utterly confused.

Could people actually be bad at sex?

Was there some sort of manual that I didn’t know about? And if so, how would one get her hands on this sex guide?

In the aftermath of that messy breakup, I put aside my ex’s comments, chalked them up to his insecurity, and tried to go on my merry way in the dating world.

But my shame was profound, my curiosity was piqued, and I found that I now couldn’t put aside my insecurity. Not without at least knowing what, if anything, I was doing wrong.

So, like we all do in this age of modern technology, I turned to the internet.

More specifically, I dared to try watching porn.

The first time I opened a porn site, I was in my room with the door locked and shades drawn, using headphones so no one else could hear. I was scared to open anything at first because I thought porn sites — being dirty — all had viruses waiting to instantly download themselves onto my phone or laptop.

I deleted my internet history right afterward, even though no one else had access to my computer. That’s how paranoid I was.

And that’s how convinced I was that watching porn was not okay. At that time, I was twenty-five.

As you might imagine, my mind was blown with the images and scenes I began to discover.

Here’s what I learned at first:

1. I realized that I was indeed, kind of “bad” at sex.

Much as I hate to admit it (and it definitely does NOT justify my ex shaming me and spreading the word to other people in my circle) I can see why he thought my participation in the bedroom could be kicked up a notch.

Because in truth, I didn’t really participate. I was the ‘recipient’, and for pretty much all of my (few) sexual encounters up until that point, my partner was doing all the work.

But I definitely didn’t realize that. For the longest time, I thought men wanted to do all the work, that they enjoyed being the dominant one, and that women’s role in sex was to be the recipient, so to speak. An old-fashioned notion, but still true in some cases.

However, I learned that in a lot of cases, nope, there’s plenty for us to do. In fact, plenty of things that men want us to do. I wish someone would have told me this long ago, and it does beg the question — if it was so bad, why the hell didn’t they speak up?

In the process of viewing different scenes, I began to realize how little I knew about sex, about relationships — even how little I knew about my own body.

And that leads me to my second discovery:

2. I learned that I don’t have to be ashamed of my body.

They say that every vagina is like a snowflake — and that is true.

I had no idea they were all so different. I mean, mine was literally the only one I’d ever seen, so how would I know it’s not necessarily like all the rest?

Watching other women — although very, very weird at first — actually showed me that I am unique, not gross, and that I’m actually pretty stoked about the parts I have down there.

For the first time I felt I could relate to other women in the bedroom, and I realized that what’s between my legs is actually a pretty nice gift — not something to be ashamed of.

There are so many types of porn — but one thing that was really eye-opening were the videos of other women pleasuring themselves. They sure as hell weren’t ashamed of their bodies, and they were taking full advantage of the gift hidden in their crotch.

Also for the first time, I realized that achieving an orgasm is not something everyone gets to experience, and the fact that I can is a blessing.

A wonderful, stress-relieving, blissfully satisfying blessing that should not be taken for granted.

3. I realized that I don’t have to be defined as only one thing, and that I’m free to express myself how I choose to.

The truth is, we can absolutely want different things. Craving variety is nothing to apologize for.

I can enjoy being dominated, and then next time want to be the one taking charge.

I can want to do it in a dark room, or outside in nature.

I can like it a little rough sometimes, and then the next time crave intimacy and close emotional connection.

The fact that I’m a heterosexual woman does not mean that I have to be or do or want the exact same thing every time, as I had previously thought.

And on that note — I know I like men, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find other women attractive. There are ways to mix it up.

And people definitely do.

Once I started exploring, I didn’t want to stop. And as would be expected, I ended up seeing some pretty weird stuff. If you’ve ever spent a little too much time on a porn site, you know how much variety there is, and you’ll probably understand when I say there are some things that I definitely don’t want to see.

Lesson learned. Everything in moderation, and be careful what you click on.

But having now witnessed more online sex than ever before in my life, I felt more confident about returning to real-world dating, and I felt more open to potential sexual encounters down the line.

I found myself opening up to my friends, too. It started with a simple question (in a lowered voice) “Have you ever watched porn?”

If no, then I’d briefly explore their interest to test the waters. If yes, I’d proceed with the conversation. It turns out people are more curious than you’d think. And a lot more people watch porn than you think, too. In fact, on the popular website Pornhub, last year there were 82 billion visits to that site alone from across the world — 32% of which were women. That is a lot of viewers.

But more often than not, among my friends at least, the subject of porn was actually a way to open into a safer space of talking about sex. Something I hadn’t felt like I could do before. And this, too, helped me relate to other women and become more comfortable in my own skin.

Watching porn (and talking about it and sex in general) gave me the push I needed to start getting past my insecurities. It helped me see that I wasn’t all that special, and also incredibly special at the same time.

I was totally insignificant, and yet completely unique.

I took control of my sexuality, and was able to start dipping my toe in the water again. And that’s when I started realizing that everything in porn needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

Many of these people are paid to do what they do, and real-life sex with normal people isn’t necessarily that dramatic.

And that’s definitely a good thing.

Some truths I learned about action in the bedroom:

· Not every guy has a huge package. That’s 100% fine, but most porn only shows men with pretty sizeable hardware. Something to keep in mind.

· Size doesn’t always matter. I know this is a matter of perspective, but it’s much more important what they’re doing with it. And that they try.

· Not everyone is perfectly shaved — and not everyone expects you to be. This was also a relief, because let’s face it: shaving is actually a lot of work.

· Being “bad at sex” is completely subjective — there’s no manual and no standard five-star rating system. Yes, practice makes perfect to some extent, but I’ve found that it also has a lot to do with chemistry. If two people don’t click sexually, sometimes that’s okay. And anyone who says you’re “bad at sex” because it didn’t work between you in the bedroom has an ego problem.

· Blowjobs don’t necessarily have to be degrading. While there is definitely porn that focuses on women being dominated, degraded, and put into compromising positions, it doesn’t always have to be that way. It’s all about perspective, communication, and comfort level. Giving a BJ can be empowering too — by taking control, getting on top and being the one in charge.

· Nobody can read minds. If you want something, or don’t want something, you need to speak up. Communication will help avoid awkwardness or discomfort and make the experience much more enjoyable for both of you.

Watching pornography isn’t for everyone. I’ll openly admit that. To each their own. But for me, it was a game-changer, in terms of beginning to learn about myself, relationships, and the world of intimacy.

Embracing my sexuality, learning to start speaking up, and experimenting with what I wanted in the bedroom helped me to become a stronger, more confident version of myself — not just between the sheets, but in my everyday life, as well.

I’ve realized that sex and intimacy are not things to be ashamed of. I won’t be automatically degraded if I enjoy a little erotica or online sexual fantasies. It’s 2020, and I’m grateful that I live in a country where watching porn online is okay, and that sex and intimacy are (somewhat) widely accepted as a form of release. And yes, there are still stigmas and expectations abounding, but we are also much freer to express ourselves and explore than ever before.

Demand is ever-present, the desire is there, many videos are increasingly woman-friendly, and I for one am not going to apologize for wanting a little pleasure every once in a while.

© Samantha Blake 2020

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