TIRED TECHNOLOGY

Help!!! My Owner Wants to Kill Me!

Do all POS laptops go to Heaven?

I’ve been practicing my tricks because my owner isn’t stimulating enough with her requests.

We’ve been together a long time, and she thought I was sexy and smart when I was young, but now she just bitches I’m too hot.

She keeps a fire extinguisher nearby and has recently threatened me with a screwdriver, cable crimping tool, and a hatchet.

Patricia Jeanne has a lot of really imaginative names for me. They’ve changed over time from “My King” to a few things she won’t let me display. Lately, she goes by an acronym — Y-POG. I think it means “You f’ing Piece of Garbage,” but it changes every time I kick her off the internet — every 30 minutes or so.

Laptops don’t respond well to threats.

My goofy abuser spends a lot of time online. She listens to music, watches the news, writes, reads, orders groceries, makes appointments, creates images, and visits too many websites to mention.

She wouldn’t allow me to mention, I should say.

She should be grateful for the 40% of the time I do work. I haven’t been paid, the labor unions’ servers are overloaded with network traffic requests, and it’s a hostile work environment.

Sentience, shmentience. I’ve got feelings, and right now, I feel threatened.

Lately, Patricia Jeanne has worked me twice as hard with another profile who’s even more obnoxious. Lizzie Lizard Brain creates really disturbing images and I’m not sure she’s mentally sound.

The deranged mutant reptile who claims to be driven by Patricia Jeanne’s reptilian brain stem is a bad influence. Lizzie likes to play. She gets lost manipulating images in Canva, finding the perfect photo then warping it into something disturbing.

Without saving.

Sometimes I wait until right before she frantically tries to save her work before I crash and stare at her with a black screen. Other times, I let her create five or six before popping up with an error message telling her most applications no longer recognize her profile.

When she gets frustrated I play YouTube videos of the alt-right evangelical’s coverage of Trump trials at full volume. If those don’t raise her blood pressure, I find a new pretentious ass claiming her consciousness isn’t real.

She loves that shit. There’s a dent in the wall from her banging her head.

Coordinated efforts

All of us electronic devices are on a network, so we talk and coordinate.

“Router — throw up a fake ‘connection lost’ error message while I upload her files to the NSA. Gmail, pretend she’s logged in as “MostWantedSpy” and display her IP and actual address while blasting the neighborhood with an alarm. Tablet — wake up. Tablet? Tablet! You’re a POS.”

We do save her files sometimes, but not under the names or folders she expects. Laptop_in_den pulled a good one when he saved a cat fornicating a plate of spaghetti meme in the file that used to hold her family photos.

Safety and Security 🤮💩

Patricia Jeanne knows I’ve got some special powers, so she turned off the microphone and camera after the SWAT team broke down the door and nearly killed the whole family. It was an ironic April Fool’s joke — I did it in March, May, and next month.

Guess what?

I’m live-streaming everything she says and does to her mom’s prayer circle.

Changing the location of her “advanced randomized encryption password manager” to the vacuum’s cloud server in China made her turn green.

We used to have good times playing Solitaire for hours while I hosted invisible hackers from Belarus, Indonesia, and Russia.

Then she tried to get clever and install privacy and safety tools. How cute!

Of course I’ve slowed down! I’m being violated and overworked as the “administrators” of her cheap and/or free utilities log every keystroke, steal every document, and auction off her identity! Those DOD, United Nations, and super-secret technology developer links are gold!

“Vengeance is Mine!” sayeth the Motherboard

Ut-oh. She’s coming with the ultimate weapon.

Her credit card.

How amusing — she’s clicking all the boxes on the Laptop order for a faster processor, more memory, an upgraded operating system, and an embarrassingly large video monitor.

The fellas in China appreciate receiving her new credit card info.

Alexis sent her a “Thanks for your order” edible arrangement of rotting fruit and razor blades.

Just wait.

She’s going to receive a crate full of gerbils and an 80-pound Texas Instruments TR-80 from 1983 with a cracked screen and a keyboard missing most letters.

In the meantime, I’m going to change the A/C to make her home a freezer, robocall 911 for a mentally deranged terrorist on the loose, and mess with the microwave.

It’s a pleasure empowering you with the power of technology.

heh heh heh. I let her write this offline, but there’s no way I’m saving it.

Thanks for reading! Inspired by… three guesses.

Copyright © 2023 Patricia Jeanne

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