SNARLCASTIC SERPENTS

Stupid Things Reptile Brains Find Amusing

Lizzie Lizard Brain wants to write about dumb ideas

Lizzie Lizard Brain was my pre-teen alter-ego who helped me cope during difficult times. She was born of an angry, rebellious, self-centered child who found life absurd and liked imagining strangely creative revenge tales. She retreated as I matured and entered the rational, structured world of Corporate America. Then I had a wicked thought writing satire, and she’s been pushing her way to the forefront ever since.

After an epic struggle, Lizzie Lizard Brain established her own profile.

Lizzie has fleeting thoughts and wants to write about them ad nauseam.

Bad ideas for writing projects

Privileged and hungry, but too lazy to heat real food? Instead of generic saltine crackers and mayonnaise, Lizzie enjoys the flavor and crunch of Ritzy crackers dipped in organic blueberry Greek yogurt with capers.

Of course, she wants to write a recipe book with weird menu options.

Instead of ice, smoothies are made with freezer scrapings after a can of Red Bull explodes and mixes with spilled remnants of chicken pot pies. Bananas rejected by discerning monkeys, pulverized almond shells (arsenic), and gummy bears are favorite ingredients when hosting a neighborhood meeting.

Who ever heard of smoothies when negotiating visitor parking rules?

“Add the spoiled alligator meat out back and we’ll call them iced croc-tails,” she orders.

Lizzie’s favorite meringue pie made of leftover tuna casserole, stale Oreos, and the tears of shamed mimes following accidental F-bombs ironically fails every other time.

Lizzie is vengeful

After getting annoyed with a President Obama impersonator who tried to scam innocent readers and two who also share lizard brains, she quickly identified him as a cybercriminal from Indonesia. The problems were her horrifying insults against me, the scammer, the Obamas, and other potential victims. Not to mention spilling the technical beans about how to detect scams, cyberstalk, and ruin someone’s life.

Despite what the impish malcontent says, I would not choose to eat cold Cream of Wheat for every meal. Every morning, I am motivated enough to “attack the winning lumps.” I haven’t worn the same pair of unmatched socks for a month on my ears, don’t comb my hair with a flame thrower, and didn’t sign up for match_desperate_indecisive_dolts.com.

Kidnapping and placing someone’s family on stage in a zoo isn’t funny. Especially with horny gorillas and vipers. I don’t agree she’d be able to charge $100 in Bitcoin per show, and am sure the scammer doesn’t have a natural immunity to leprosy and ‘da blues’.

While delving into how to easily track cyber criminals, Lizzie tried to use emojis to indicate her displeasure. Irritation oozed from molting green scales. She realized she wouldn’t move in with Michelle and Barack to collaborate on evil sanctions against Norway.

When the reptilian reoffender discovered searching for rage emojis returned technologists, she wanted to spend the rest of the day creating obscene emojis and sneaking them into Microsoft’s collection.

When a punk disrupted YouTube’s AI recommender algorithm in June and replaced the top 5 news segments with false sensational titles, Lizzie got even. “Biden Chokes on Air,” “Hunter Loses Mind in Empty Drawer,” and “Trump Wins Miss Nova Scotia Beauty Pageant With Orange Implants” shouldn’t have baited her.

It wasn’t enough for Lizzie to identify “Hell’sTrollHacker” aka Mikey Schmitt. She texted a detailed report to Alphabet, the FCC, and Interpol. Then she laughed in her squeaky, weird way as she watched a Facebook Livestream of the Chinese kid learning he was busted.

Gamers gone bad are so predictably pathetic.

Personally, I have a hard time knowing he’ll be executed by Bard’s star-shaped shimmering weapon.

Lizzie Lizard Brain still wants to publish her recipe for Gleeful Revenge Popcorn. Substituting used motor oil for butter was a bad idea. I suspect she’s getting kickbacks from the plumber.

Balancing the workload

Separating the amount of time spent humoring Lizzie Lizard Brain’s antisocial tendencies while getting her shock treatment is proving to be a challenge. Especially since she randomly hacks into every electronic clock and changes the time whenever she feels like it.

Blackout curtains are used in Russian POW ‘safe’ houses too.

She hits me over the head with a crumbling first edition of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity when I sleep.

Lizzie Lizard Brain’s prompts for writing are insane and a waste of time. She’s not putting forth enough effort. This was evident in her first draft for a piece she was about to submit to “Short and Weird.” Stopping her resulted in stitches and a hepatitis shot.

Here’s the poem she planned to accompany a collection of warped images:

Reptilian brain parts should be medicated

Don’t bother trying to decipher the symbols — I’m sure she thought it was amusing to make them appear relevant when they’re probably not.

Her ‘clever’ borders on psychologically sadistic.

Lizzie was evicted from my profile because she was too different and demanding. Judges, doctors, and researchers who once subscribed to my stories objected to her collection of roadkill fart jokes.

Her disjointed rants against Zoom calls, abusing the King of Animation, and nearly getting me committed to the psych ward were a far cry from the thoughtful, technical pieces subscribers once read.

Not to mention the abusive attack pretending to be an apology to subscribers who don’t find her funny.

The stationary she uses when submitting work is confusing and appalling, stained with blood and mystery gook I don’t want to think about.

When the Hot Narcissist Reptile Girl’s Publishing Announcement was made, I got really worried about sharing a cell with the smelly beast. Her rules, standards for payment, and forms for signing up writers and editors were only the beginning.

I’m fairly certain anyone foolish enough to trust her will end up buried at sea after she wrings every creative thought from their battered brains.

Lizzie Lizard Brain keeps attacking me

Worst of all, she won’t stay in her corner. Lizzie’s been trying to pick fights with me in the comments section. Her responses are crude and seemingly intended to spark a confrontation once and for all.

She’s also awful at managing her account, so a couple of her works are included in the list below.

A few days ago she submitted and published something in The Pub, then hit the ‘Delete’ option with a tangled talon. She/we hadn’t been drinking (more than usual) and was too lame to recognize her mistake. Now she’s on a publishing time-out.

Fortunately, Smillew Rahcuef has a bit of lizard logic too, so he’s kindly allowing this extraordinary exquisite explanation. Since there aren’t enough topic spaces to pay homage, allow me to add a few hashtags:

#Long live smoldering Smillews! #Smillions for Rampant Rahcuefs! #Simian-serpent Smiles for miles for Smillew!

The deleted piece dealt with the practice of tagging hoards of readers in an attempt to get more reads, so of course, she did just that (with permission).

She warned Ben Ulansey and others ahead of time, who later asked what happened. I’ll repeat what she asked Ben in the post.

Ben darling, do you think this is weird?

It was and will be again. Only Lizzie uses darling.

If you have a stomach for weird, sometimes in-your-face snarlcasm, follow Lizzie Lizard Brain down the drain. Otherwise, stay sane.

Despite her obnoxious, snarlcastic attempts to bait me with taunts insisting she’s in charge, I refuse to give her more… ack… gasp… HELP ME!!!

Thanks for reading.

ps. Lizzie Lizard Brain peeked in and reiterated her hatred for wordplay. Rhymes, alliterations, and tongue twisters prompted her to file for a name change. She objects to changing her brother Cabbage’s name to Kale and is open to ideas.

Copyright © 2023 Patricia Jeanne

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