Diana’s 50 Challenging Self-Reflection Prompts — How can you have compassion for your own trauma history while also holding yourself accountable for the ways you’re harming yourself/others?
Healing PTSD — Light Replaces Darkness and Fills the Void
Self-reflection took me on a painful journey of uncovering subconscious self-sabotaging behaviors, and at the end of the slog, I learned to love myself and can now find and thrive in a healthy relationship— you can too!!
For those who have read my Bio, Welcome to My World, you know that I have survived the worst level of first-time domestic violence that one can imagine, leaving me with post-traumatic stress syndrome for years to come. For those of you who have not yet read my story, my husband, whom I loved dearly, would waterboard me to within inches of my death. At the court appearance for an emergency protective order, the judge told me she had never feared for a woman’s life as immediately as she did for mine. Even my attorney had never seen the court system work so quickly for a victim.
My saving grace was my two children. I had to function daily for their sake, and I believe I would have suffered far worse had I not been focused on caring for them and making sure they felt secure and loved each day. I pulled away and isolated myself as often as I could — still today, while I feel truly healed, I must guard against slipping backward and thus will protect myself against situations filled with anger and/or stress that could trigger a relapse.
Yet, back then, far more damage bubbled under the surface like lava about to burst through the dome, of which I was not yet aware.
Years passed before I became aware of how much pain I still held inside with all my might.
Neuroscientists say that over ninety-five percent of our brain engages in unconscious thoughts. Three months after the abuse peaked, and after my abuser, my now ex-husband, attended anger management, I allowed him to move back home and we attempted to repair our marriage. He had never abused me before and was a great father, so I had high hopes for a bright future.
Several good years went by. I began running and accomplished my first 26.2-mile marathon. I noticed that as I gained strength and independence he started getting more controlling. He began making verbal jabs at me. His reality was threatened.
As sheer determination willed me through the race, I did not even feel the pain from the three metatarsal bones I broke. Soon afterward, with running no longer being an option, I discovered yoga, and thus began my journey of spiritual awakening. I gained an entirely new level of independence. At the age of 32 years, I showed up in my life and started living authentically.
My Emotional Affair
I started hiking with a male friend that I met through yoga. We spent hours together, shared stories, laughter, and tears. It felt great to be appreciated and valued. My husband never wanted to join me in these activities and when I tried to have a conversation would leave the room mid-sentence. Soon, I began an emotional love affair with “Allen.” Looking back, I would have done things very differently, but that's a story for another day.
Fortunately for my development, my husband and I remained together after the affair. He was patient and forgiving. At that point, we had both made huge mistakes in the marriage, so it felt somewhat like we were back on level ground. Looking back on it now, and reading your minds, I see how disproportionate it was, but in those moments, that’s where I was.
We were able to raise our children together with love and compassion. I eventually forgave myself as I understood WHY I needed Allen in my life at that time. I was lonely and needed that quality time and conversation, as that was my love language, but it was far deeper than I even understood at that point.
My husband continued to abuse me emotionally and verbally, and it escalated as time went on. I eventually asked him to move out again. He agreed as he wanted to avoid holding in emotions that previously exploded into physical abuse.
We were separated for three years during which I openly dated. Yet more mistakes on my part would occur causing more destruction and devastation to myself and to others involved. After casually dating a few people, I entered my first relationship with someone I really cared about. I would have done anything for him. We had mutually and completely trusted each other, or so I thought. He even showed me texts from another woman who was flirting with him. He made me feel very secure only to completely crush that false veil. I see now that he dotted every I and crossed every T in the emotional vampire playbook.
One fateful afternoon after returning from a vacation we took with my kids (the first and only one), I discovered he used my computer to Facebook-message that same flirty girl. When he did not show up or return my call for a lunch date we had, I opened my computer and his messages were open. I questioned (ridiculously I now see) whether I should violate his privacy and even texted him before I looked, but ultimately I caved in and chose to look, and sure enough, there was all the evidence I needed to confirm my worst nightmare.
He was indeed cheating on me and had been deceiving me the entire time. I was completely taken aback that anyone could be so dishonest. That devastated me because it once again added to my subconscious programming that I was not good enough, not lovable, and created fears of abandonment.
(Side-bar — be wary of cops who just happen to always take their coffee break in your place-of-work parking lot).
A Karmic Soulmate Relationship Helped Heal Me So I Could Love Myself and Be Ready to Truly Love a Man Again
I did not think I could date again, but several months passed and I fell in love with a very special person. I will call him Mike for the sake of this story. Unfortunately, or fortunately, this is where I learned my real lesson.
I never should have started one relationship before fully ending the other, and should have done my baggage check on him too. Turns out Mike was leaving a toxic relationship. Three months into our relationship we had a date that ended strangely. I called and asked if everything was okay. He said he wanted to take a break. Well, it turns out he returned to his ex-girlfriend. I was completely heartbroken. I spent an entire day crying thinking I would absolutely never love again. I drank all day and tried to numb away the pain, which clearly did not work.
Secrets Hold Us Captive and Block Intimacy — Vulnerability Equals Freedom
A few weeks later, Mike apologized and asked if we could work things out. This was my chance to come clean and tell him I was still not divorced and yet I was paralyzed by fear because I wanted the relationship to succeed. Little did I understand that the truth would have set us free and helped us to succeed.
I was terrified to finalize my divorce but could not put my finger on why at the time I was not honest with Mike. I don’t know why I lied and said I was divorced, but you probably understand why I hid things in a new relationship — not willing to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to expose flaws. I ended up learning extremely valuable lessons and unlocking self-limiting patterns, but at the price of losing someone that I truly loved. He accused me of being a narcissist and I can assure you I took every online quiz possible to be sure that was not true. I am not. I was just insecure, more so than I was ever aware of.
Moreover, due to the P.T.S.D., I had a trauma bond with my husband of which I was not aware, and therefore could not comprehend the pain I caused everyone by continuing to take trips and date my now ex-husband during our separation. Now that I am divorced it is easy to look back in the rearview mirror and see in slow-motion the head-on collision as it approached so clearly. But at the time I was in a fog of confusion, which I now know to be a disconnect between my conscious mind actually running on auto-pilot with prior programming rather than listening to my subconscious/unconscious mind — i.e, my soul.
At the time, it did not seem so removed from reality. Now that I look back I cannot fathom ever repeating that behavior — and I am certainly not proud of any of it.
How to Identfy and Not Distinguish
Do you identify with those moments when I felt completely defeated and all the air had been drained from my balloon, feeling almost inhuman and somehow questioning whether I belonged in this world? Even if our facts can separate us, I urge you to look past the facts and I suspect you can relate to the emotional aspects of my story. That is a skill my friends who have benefited from 12-step programs have related to me. Regardless of the facts of a speaker’s story, if one seeks to relate to the feelings and not distinguish based on the facts, often spiritual wisdom results.
I link below to a beautiful poem I read recently, by Claire Kelly, that really touched and inspired me. Just remember, everything is temporary. The only thing we can always count on is change, all the more so if we are willing to embrace uncertainty and put in the work to change our own attitudes and reactions and release attachments to memories, both pleasurable and painful ones.
Now, in hindsight, I realize how temporary that brief yet immeasurably agonizing period of utter grief was. I believe we are all so much more resilient than we realize when we are in despair. Claire’s poem presents a story of hope.
My Epiphany
Mike and I were on again off again and trying desperately to hold onto what we both knew was a special connection, he was out with friends, and I was home reading. Sitting by the fire, one of my serenity places, I had an ah-ha moment while reading Walking the Tiger, by Peter A Levine. The book describes how when an animal in the wild attacks its prey the predator strikes, and the prey goes limp in the frozen state of fight, flight or freeze. It is a natural protection mechanism that allows the animal to conserve energy. As described by Levine, the animal perceives inevitable death and passes out, its body conserving energy. The predator then takes the prey back to its den and when it releases it and feels safe the prey may awaken and flea to safety using the burst of conserved energy.
Whether or not Levine accurately describes predator-prey interactions, his thought resonated with and helped me immensely. When I was waterboarded by my now ex-husband, I experienced something similar to what Levine describes. When I truly thought I was going to die and could no longer breathe because the water was flooding my mouth and he was holding my nose, I felt my legs go limp as they dangled from the kitchen floor and I blacked out. Yet, when I came to seconds later and he threw me down on the kitchen floor, I did not run like the animal in the wild — I laid there in tears terrified to move. So, unlike the animal in the wild, I had this stored fear and energy trapped inside my body for years.
“I believe not only that Trauma is curable, but that the healing process can be a catalyst for profound awakening.” ~Dr. Peter Levine
I realized in that ah-ha moment that all my self-sabotaging behavior was because I did not feel lovable. I felt abandoned by my husband because how could he possibly do something like that to me if he loved me. But those were just my subconscious thoughts. Once I brought those into the light of consciousness, I could reprogram my thoughts. I know it was not about me. It was about my ex stuffing his emotions down since he was a little boy. Eventually, those emotions fester and under pressure, he exploded like Mt. Vesuvius and I got buried in the detritus of his rotting spirit like the citizens of Pompei were petrified alive by ash and lava — but I survived.
Once I became aware of this, I was able to break those self-limiting patterns of attention-seeking and the need for approval from others which is what led to my emotional affair with Allen. I had to hold myself accountable for the damage I had done, but also forgive myself knowing that I could not help what was unknown to me. I also realized that I went from living with my parents to being married at the young age of 21 so the reason I was terrified to finalize the divorce was not really financial, it was that I had never lived on my own and supported myself. Once I was aware I started making better choices and build my confidence. I then asked my husband to finalize the divorce and we followed through. Now that I am actually living independently I feel great freedom and liberation.
Unfortunately, the trust was too far destroyed in the relationship with Mike. My patterns brought up past childhood wounds in his life and he was triggered by too many things. We could not seem to move forward. I suppose the lessons were learned — the quintessential karmic relationship, designed so we could heal and be able to love again, but just not each other.
Having Healed I Can Now Share and Help Others
I am finally completely healed from my PTSD. It took a lot of therapy, long walks alone in the woods, yoga, and meditation, and the final stage of that was to be able to deeply forgive my ex-husband. I know it still pains him that he snapped and did such an awful thing and that is a painful memory he lives with every day. I am in a strange way grateful for the experience because now I can help others and without it, I would only have the knowledge through books which simply is not the same. My life’s mission now is to coach and teach Emotional Intelligence which builds empathy and confidence and teaches people how to process and express emotions. I deeply believe that by teaching this I can reduce bullying in schools and reduce emotional and verbal abuse in adults which is sadly growing at an alarming rate.
Now it is time for the next chapter in my life. Each person who enters our lives has a purpose and comes with a lesson. Some are in our lives longer than others. I have learned through my yoga journey to let go of attachments and simply accept and allow the process. I am ready to love again and in fact have connected with a very special and divine person that just may be my forever person. It is still a bit early, but for those of you who know us, you know whom I am referring to 😉.
Never give up on your dreams. You are worthy of all that you desire. There may be some truly huge roadblocks or maybe even sinkholes in your way, but where there is a will there is a way. When you have a strong enough desire followed by action, perseverance, and passion you will achieve your desired outcome.
A Couple of great pieces, one by Marcus, my love, on Emotional Intelligence which I feel is so important in reducing emotional and verbal abuse and also a great piece on relationships by Kirstie Taylor. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.
