How to Decide If Your Relationship Is Worth Holding On To

Do you know what part of a relationship most often spells doom for a couple?

You might be surprised to know it’s not during the beginning of a relationship. In fact, that tends to be the most exciting part; emotions are flowing through each person, and everything is new.

What tends to make or break couples is when those exciting emotions calm down. A lot of people refer to this as “the end of the honeymoon phase.” Essentially, the couple becomes comfortable with each other, and reality sets in.

Maybe this is the point you’re at. Those butterfly days when the other person can (nearly) do no wrong are done. You’ve traded fancy dinner dates with nights binging Netflix. And now you’re realizing everything’s not as perfect as it once seemed.

Perhaps you had a few fights. They might annoy you every now and then. And you find yourself wondering if you’re with the right person.

Well, I’m going to stop you there. There’s no such thing as the “right” person, nor will you ever find a perfect partner. The idea of a soulmate was merely an entertaining story written in ancient Greek times.

So let’s focus on reality.

The reasons to hold on to a relationship aren’t perfection. They’re qualities that are needed to grow in and navigate through life together. Instead of comparing your partner to this idea of perfection, ask if your relationship has the following:

The good outweighs the bad.

If you laugh more than you cry, that’s a great sign. A relationship is work, don’t get me wrong, but it shouldn’t be painful work. I’ve made this mistake more times than I’d like to admit.

I held onto relationships where it felt like we were dancing. But instead of gracefully gliding around the room, we were constantly stepping on each other’s toes. The work we were doing wasn’t to help the relationship thrive; it was to keep things from falling apart.

So if you’re in a relationship where the good times happen more often than the bad, then you’re off to a pretty good start.

You can resolve fights instead of repeating them.

One sign that a relationship is suffering is that you keep having the same fights over and over. It’s an issue because chances are, you’re hurting each other each time that issue is brought back up.

But if you and your partner can resolve problems, that’s a promising sign. The goal of a relationship isn’t to have one that’s problem-free but to establish healthy communication so that when issues do come up, you can both fix them before they hurt the relationship.

So if your fights are one and done, you have something special in your life.

You can be close without worrying when it’ll end.

I used to be in relationships that, even when things were great, I couldn’t fully enjoy them. I knew that one wrong move or thing that I said could quickly make everything fall apart. It was the worst feeling constantly walking on eggshells.

Emotional stability in a relationship is a sign that things are healthy and you’re both mature (and I mean that in a non-boring way). Those “passionate” roller coaster relationships you see in movies might make for a great film, but it’s not fun t actually live through.

So take this as a sign that your gut knows the person you’re with is someone you feel safe dating.

You both want growth for the relationship.

In life, you’re going to encounter two kinds of mindsets: growth and fixed. Someone with a fixed mindset is perfectly fine with how things are now. Which might seem like an ideal mindset, but hear me out.

In life, you’re going to learn new things, gain new perspectives, and pursue new interests all the time. Someone with a fixed mindset might not respect that kind of change. They may even actively avoid it, even if it would be beneficial to the relationship.

Finding a partner with a growth mindset is most ideal. You’ll change throughout your life, and having someone open and accepts that is crucial.

Your issues aren’t necessarily about the relationship.

If you’re not happy with certain parts of your life, your relationship is an easy punching bag. You might think that a different partner will solve all your unhappiness, but sometimes the unhappiness is with you.

I’d take a deep look at what’s making you most unhappy. Is it your partner's actions or your insecurities? Does your relationship lack excitement, or is it that you’re missing hanging out with your friends?

If you find that there’s another part of your life you’re unhappy with, try investing your energy into fixing that. You may find that you feel better about your relationship by doing so.

You’re communicating regularly.

Many couples don’t communicate. And I’m not talking about a “how was your day?” I’m talking about the kind of communicating about lingering issues that end up being the silent killer for most couples.

If something feels wrong in the relationship or you want to make some sort of change, do you talk to your partner about it? If so, you’re already ahead of most couples (even more so if your partner also does the same).

Communication might not be sexy, but it’s vital for a healthy relationship. Not to mention that it’s not the easiest to come by in a partner.

You have similar ideas for the future.

You’d be surprised how many couples try to make a relationship work where they both want different things from life. One person may want to get married and have four kids, while the other doesn’t believe in marriage.

They end up playing the waiting game until both of them realize how mismatched their needs are.

If you and your partner have talked about the future, that’s fantastic. If your ideas for the future align, that’s even better.

You respect each other.

I added this to the list because once you lose respect for each other, the relationship usually isn’t worth salvaging. Both of you deserve to be respected, not to mention have a partner whom you respect.

I lost respect for an old boyfriend after he made a slew of sexist and racist remarks. I made the mistake of staying with him, and every remark that came out of his mouth made my skin crawl. We didn’t last long after that.

Respect is a crucial ingredient for any relationship. If you still have it for each other, there’s most likely a pretty promising reason you do.

You still care about them.

You’ll know you’re over a relationship when you stop caring about them. It doesn’t cross your mind to grab them a cup of water when you grab yourself one. You feel burdened taking care of them when they’re sick.

Wanting the best for someone might not be the sole reason to hold onto a relationship, but it’s necessary if you do want to try to make things work. Once you’ve stopped caring, it’s hard to start again.

Your partner is one of your favorite people.

If you still feel like your partner is your best friend, if you still love hanging out with them, if they’re the person you call first with exciting news, those are pretty damn good reasons to hold onto a relationship.

Because the fact is, you can respect and care for someone, but that’s not a relationship. As long as someone isn’t an asshole, you could feel these for a person. But it’s the part about still thinking your partner is one of your favorite people that’s important.

That’s the glue that holds these parts of a relationship I talked about above together. I like to think of this as the “chemistry” that so many dating articles talk about.

You may have read this article, and now you’re wondering, how many of these should I have to know my relationship is holding onto? And I can’t really answer that for you. Some aspects are more important than others, and a few of these are crucial.

At the end of the day, only you can choose to stay in a relationship or not. But know this: as long as you feel safe, emotionally and physically, a relationship will have its ups and downs.

Sometimes you’ll be smitten, and other times you’ll think they’re the most annoying person in the world. But just because you encounter the latter doesn’t mean you should let go.