Hard Truths About Affairs Nobody Wants to Hear but Everybody Knows
Fidelity is more complicated than we’d like to admit
Although nobody thinks highly of affairs, surprisingly, many have them. It is estimated that over 40% of married couples have had infidelity issues. Here’s the thing. Suppose everyone has experienced cheating in one way or another. In that case, there must be more to having affairs than we would like to admit.
We all know what an uncomfortable and sensitive topic of having affairs is and how much pain and distrust they can evoke. Some might engage in an affair because they want to exit an existing relationship, others are looking for excitement and distraction, and for some having an affair is like an addiction.
But ultimately, people cheat because they can.
Knowing this is hard to swallow since this means that, given the right circumstances, anyone can become a cheater. Unfortunately, there are more hard truths about affairs many overlook or ignore. Understanding these truths may help us confront the issue more openly and promote healthier relationships.
Some affairs are about more than just sex.
I am sure that there are many different people we can feel a physical connection with. Heck, I’ve had the pleasure of spending a night with someone I knew I wouldn’t start a relationship with. We can definitively feel attracted to someone who isn’t our partner — and as long as we don’t act on it, there is nothing wrong with that. However, more people than we think do act on it. This leads me to believe that while physical attraction can be a catalyst, affairs are rarely solely about sex.
Why do people act on physical attraction?
So, what might that be if you have to feel more than attraction to start an affair? Maybe it’s all about the thrill of keeping an intimate relationship secret. Maybe it’s about looking for something missing outside an existing relationship. The thrill of the forbidden and the novelty of a new connection can be intoxicating, drawing individuals into an affair without fully realizing the emotional complexities involved. I understand that sometimes it’s impossible to leave someone, although the relationship has run its course. Maybe someone is gravely ill, children are involved, or monetary reasons keep someone from leaving. After all, it is a deep human want to experience validation, understanding, and companionship. And maybe seeking this outside of the relationship says more about the existing, primary relationship than we’d like to admit. Therefore, are affairs really the red flag for deeper problems within the relationship they’re made out to be?
It may be true for most, but not all. Of course, a lack of communication, emotional distance, unresolved conflicts, or feelings of neglect can create an environment conducive to infidelity. Addressing these root causes is crucial in preventing affairs and nurturing a healthier partnership. However, can’t it also be that there are no reasons for some, only excuses? What I mean by that is another thing about affairs rarely discussed. What if there are no reasons for infidelity. What if there is nothing to excuse an affair?
Devastating effects of affairs.
Let’s think of the devastating effects affairs have on the betrayed partner. I can’t imagine how much it must hurt to find out you’re not the only person exchanging intimacies with your partner. The sense of betrayal, inadequacy, and loss of trust can cause deep emotional wounds that take considerable time to heal. Many betrayed partners also experience self-doubt, wondering if they were somehow responsible for their partner’s decision to cheat.
And then there is someone with whom you are having an affair. Let’s assume you have openly communicated to the person you are in a relationship. In that case, the person has to live with not being anyone’s first choice. Whenever something does not go well, someone in the family or circle of friends needs help; the other person is the third wheel. Also, there’s no way to celebrate the new flame publicly. This is why, despite the initial excitement, the reality is that most affairs do not lead to lasting happiness. The thrill of secrecy and novelty eventually fade, and the affair can become burdened with its challenges and complications. Moreover, affairs often damage trust, leading to more significant issues within the primary relationship and the affair itself. Which I believe is why most affairs don’t get to have a happy ending.
Affairs are a betrayal of trust, not love.
It’s essential to differentiate between love and trust when discussing affairs. An affair can happen even when someone loves their partner deeply. Love alone does not guarantee fidelity but should strengthen the relationship’s commitment to honesty and integrity.
They are based on lust, not love.
But for the person cheated on, the reasons why don’t matter much. This study tried to uncover why and for how long people cheated on their partners in an article. The authors found eight major causes for infidelity: anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance. Psychologists deduced not just why people cheated but also how long the affair lasted based on how these factors manifested in the 495 participants’ justifications for cheating (87.9% of whom identified as heterosexual).
For example, people who despised their partner and felt unloved were more inclined to engage in longer relationships and even date in public. Contrarily, situational hookups based on emotions like tension were transient, and sex was perceived as less enjoyable. Hence, there are justifications for cheating. According to their motivations, affairs varied in length, affected sexual and emotional satisfaction, and determined whether or not their actions resulted in the breakup of their primary relationship. However, simply because someone tries to justify their action doesn’t make it less painful. This is why I believe that cheating is a selfish decision. It does not include anything other than short-term satisfaction and gratification.
To confess or not — that’s the question.
The most painful hard truth about affairs nobody talks about is how and why affairs come out. And consequently, what doesn’t get enough attention is the reaction of cheaters who get caught. See, I have always wondered whether or not people confess to their affairs. And if so, why. I don’t think it’s fair to confess to an affair with an unsuspecting partner. Why? Because I think the confession is more about unburdening than wanting to work on the relationship.
Confronting the hard truths about affairs is essential for fostering healthier relationships and promoting open dialogue about this sensitive topic. While affairs can be painful and complicated, understanding the root causes and the impact they have on individuals and relationships can serve as a stepping stone toward healing and growth. In the end, hard truths about affairs always feed into the same thing: Some people want to work on a relationship, while others consider tapping out. So if someone is more interested in appearances than in being, neither an affair nor a relationship will last long.
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