If Infidelity Isn’t Just About Sex, Then What Is Cheating Really For?
It’s a choice, not a mistake
Like many others, I’ve always believed that a romantic partner is here to provide me with the love, comfort, security, and strength I need and deserve. However, unlike many others, I am not so quick to make judgments and blame someone who’s cheating. Here’s why.
Infidelity is rarely just about sex.
Why? If over 40% of married couples are impacted by infidelity, in that case, there must be more to having affairs than we’d like to admit. Maybe it’s about seeking something the relationship lacks, such as support, closeness, and affection. Maybe it’s the thrill of having an intimate relationship nobody should know about. Whatever the case, judging humans for being human doesn’t make much sense to me. There seems to be one truth when it comes to infidelity, though. The more distance there is between partners, the more likely partners will seek closeness with others.
Therefore, I asked myself if we are addicted to having affairs or if it’s not about the affair per se but satisfying the craving for affection and closeness of someone.
Infatuation, attraction, affection, and closeness.
Today, a romantic partner is supposed to bring everything into our lives. We put them in charge of our happiness, which I believe is completely wrong. Don’t look for security in a relationship. However, with all of the pressures of society and our understanding of romantic love, it makes sense that many are quick to blame cheaters for their actions. To many people, including myself, cheating is a significant violation of relationship norms and a betrayal of trust.
Infidelity highlights the inherent fragility of the most important relationships in our life.
This, at least to some extent, is why we have such a clear opinion about cheating. Because most of us, including those who cheat, do not think being unfaithful is okay or tolerable. A fascinating study sheds some light on why people are having affairs. The study comprised 495 persons (87.9% of whom identified as heterosexual) recruited through a volunteer pool at a big U.S. university and through Reddit chat boards with relationship-related topics.
The majority indicated some emotional attachment to their affair partner. However, it was substantially more prevalent in those who reported neglect or lack of affection in their primary relationship. Approximately two-thirds of individuals acknowledged feeling affectionate toward their new companion. And roughly the same proportion participated in sexually explicit conversations with them. Four in ten had intimate discussions, and one in ten said, “I love you.” Those who reported feeling less attached to their primary spouse reported more emotional closeness in the affair, maybe to meet that need. Individuals found the experience more cognitively and emotionally fulfilling when adultery was related to a lack of love.
But then again, people don’t cheat because they are cheaters. They cheat because they are people.
And because we are human, the unknown, the escape from reality, the desire for more closeness, or the thrill of cheating does, in fact, have an addictive side.
Affairs can be very addictive.
Infidelity is a “flame addiction,” says psychotherapist and relationship expert Scott Haltzmann. When someone is having an affair, they long for the other person to imitate their addictive behavior. This results from complicated neurological, pharmacological, and hormonal changes. Our brain reacts to affairs the same way as it does other extremely addictive things. We respond to changing circumstances. It’s no different from a love affair. A love affair, by definition, prolongs the feelings of infatuation. The greater the feelings of attraction get as the relationship progresses.
For one thing, the rush of adrenaline-like norepinephrine nearly knocks the love-stricken individual out. Then, during the infatuation phase, serotonin levels plummet, resulting in the sense of emptiness and extreme fixation with the other person. Then there’s dopamine, which plays a role in any addictive behavior. According to research, when someone is exposed to a new stimulus, the brain creates a dopamine spike. It’s also known as the “reward neurochemical.”
Dopamine levels stay low until a married couple tries to keep things interesting. Outside of marriage, however, constant exposure to a beautiful person causes a dopamine spike; the absence of that person causes emptiness and unhappiness. Returning to the affair partner, the source of the chemical surge, is the only way to feel normal again.
Any relationship is challenging, and there are many reasons for infidelity. However, there are important things to do to keep a relationship intact. Such as being honest with one another, stating your needs and wants clearly, forgiving one another, and committing to improving your bond daily.
How we experience closeness is subjective.
Feeling betrayed and defining what cheating is, is as subjective as how we experience attraction. While to some, kissing is already cheating, others believe cheating is about having sex with someone other than the partner. Thus, breaking a promise. There are no clear rules about why we feel certain things and how we deal with our emotions. But I believe it’s important to talk to our partner about our emotions, values, and what is important to us. Furthermore, I believe it’s helpful to rely on your gut feeling without becoming reckless.
And this is where I think you have to deal with your actions repeatedly. We are sentient human beings with great imagination and a world of thoughts. I am convinced that we have all done things to deliberately hurt someone. If cheating is more than an adventure, you can ask yourself why you do, tolerate, or refrain from doing something.
We are all just people with hopes, desires, and needs. But those who can communicate theirs clearly, openly, and honestly have a clear advantage.
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