If You’re Looking for Security, Don’t Look For It in a Relationship
How the illusion of security destroys relationships.
Without trust, no human connections. All our friendships, romantic relationships, and connections to others depend on some form of trust. If we don’t feel like someone has our back or don’t understand how others feel, we’re more likely to feel anxious about our own place in the world.
We need to know what other people think of us.
Trust makes us choose to be vulnerable and bold. When we develop a distrust for someone, it’s typically because we’ve realized that what we share with them or what’s vital to us isn’t safe with them. Another example of lacking trust when dating is that we have the power to deceive ourselves into thinking someone is less appealing because we’re afraid of rejection.
No matter if we’re in a long-term relationship, dating, or looking for a friendship, when we’re unsure about someone’s intentions, we prefer to keep a safe distance from them.
When uncertainty wreaks havoc on relationships.
We expect it to make us feel safe when we enter a relationship. But, at the heart of things, security in a relationship is all about support. Those in a romantic partnership should be able to lean on each other when they’re feeling down or stressed. When you and your partner support each other, it leads to longevity, trust, and vulnerability, which are all signs of security.
However, there are more sides to this. A relationship isn’t inherently safe and doesn’t automatically provide a sense of safety. Unlike many people, there is no safety guarantee when in a relationship. For example, when one partner feels insecure and uncertain about the relationship and its future, it becomes the other person’s issue. To have a stable relationship, both partners must agree that they are in a secure relationship. A secure relationship is one in which both partners are happy. In an ideal world, both would feel protected, have their emotional needs addressed, and have more good energy than negative.
Unfortunately, more often than we’d like to think, the once bright future of a relationship seems to slowly slip away. I don’t think it’s because we change overnight, having our partner question who they once fell in love with in the first place. However, as is with any relationship we have in life, we’ll have to negotiate at a certain point. It needs coordination, possibly a reorientation — whatever you call it. No relationship can function well for a long time without discussing and defining the course, the goals, and wishes together from time to time.
Even in long-term partnerships, you know the ones we believe have it all covered and don’t need any discussions because the couple doesn’t need communication anymore since they know each other blindly; there are dynamics at work. After the first “love rush” fades, a wave of doubt hits, and we become less aware of the complexities of our partner’s inner world. While being with someone, we might feel like we know everything about the person over time. Therefore, we think that we know exactly what our partner needs. Subsequently, we are adamant about knowing that everything in your relationship is going smoothly. Put differently, we are sure we’d notice changes and little rifts in your relationship.
However, unfortunately, that’s not the case.
To put it another way, once the “love rush” has worn off, we stop projecting and begin to notice characteristics, vices, and quirks we may not like. The veil of confidence begins to disintegrate as we approach a disillusionment phase. We become more apprehensive and wonder if maintaining a relationship is still desirable and if the partnership isn’t, after all, founded on a stable foundation. It’s difficult to be unsure about a relationship’s future. As a result, we’re all curious about the partnership’s future.
No experience has more of an illusion of certainty than love.
Not only the disillusionment phase can shake our profound belief that the relationship is safe, but also the fact that there’s no other human experience with more of an illusion of certainty than love. It can disguise realities that we don’t want to confront and is the leading cause of resentment against those we care about the most. That is, our feelings and thoughts about the people we love or used to love are clouded by intense emotions and experiences.
Such a powerful emotion can also hide the fact that we may have tricked ourselves into believing this relationship was developing and going in a direction we can be okay with. What if we wake up one day and know that we have given too much of ourselves or almost don’t recognize ourselves anymore just because we thought this relationship could give us some security?
This supposed security one can only find in relationships has always been a mystery to me. While I love being pampered by someone, taken care of, and know someone is truly interested in everything I do, I know how much work it is to show a partner how much one loves them. A lot of work goes into keeping it that way. Especially when single, there is a longing for the perceived security of a relationship. Longing for days to be over where you have to organize literally everything in your life by yourself or decide on your own. Where you don’t always have to take everything into your own hands, but where someone is there who knows all your everyday problems and maybe even takes some of them off your hands.
Once you are back in a relationship, you realize that you have to discuss, evaluate and negotiate things over and over again. And then you also have to come to terms with the fact that the supposed security you originally longed for so much doesn’t actually exist. While it’s natural to be wary of new relationships, questioning each can cause anxiety, restlessness, and dissatisfaction. You have no influence over how others feel about you or if they wish to stay in your life indefinitely.
Dealing with uncertainty is a balancing act.
Worrying too much for others might cause you to become estranged from the people you care about while worrying too little can cause profound personal discontent. So, what should you do if you don’t want to be lulled into a false sense of security? And how do you handle unpredictability?
I believe that we should not rely on others to give us a feeling of security. I am not sure how reliable, resourceful, and sustainable that is. However, I know that everyone can’t find the strength and sense of security. And yet, when we’re self-aware, able to express our own opinions, and not lose empathy for others, I think there’s a way to handle uncertainty and insecurity.
I have decided to clearly communicate and express how I feel about the people I love. Sometimes with actions, like sending cards or buying a gift tailored to a friend, and sometimes with words. My goal is that everyone I love knows that, even if I were to die tomorrow. Radiating confidence, in my opinion, is a statement of respect, admiration, and vulnerability. Nothing is more gratifying, difficult, or exhilarating than love.
Understanding how to love is synonymous with knowing how to live. I also want to live, love, and care for the important people to me.