Emotional Safety Is the Foundational Element of Any Relationship

Why we need to feel relaxed around someone we love

Have you ever fallen in love with someone but didn’t feel at ease when around the person? Like something didn’t feel right making you uncomfortable? Have you tried to connect with them, yet something kept getting in the way?

Chances are, the relationship is missing emotional safety.

Without it, the necessary climate for closeness isn’t given. So let’s look at this from a different perspective. Something has to be lacking when we think we can’t be ourselves around a person, right? Or, when we can’t seem to find the right way to communicate our wants and needs — something has to be missing, right?

It’s frustrating to come to the realization that a relationship has hit a roadblock. It’s the pit in our stomach that lets us know that although we love someone and want to have a deep connection with the person, the bond formed isn’t there yet. And maybe never will.

This is precisely why it’s much easier to love a person than to feel intimate with someone.

Relationships should make us feel safe, loved, and appreciated, including our quirks and imperfections. Nobody should feel like they have to walk on eggshells around their partner.

Emotional safety is the security to express yourself.

Suppose we really want to get involved with someone. In that case, we have to be aware of our vulnerabilities and open up about them accordingly. Meaning that we have to be honest about our fears, longings, and wishes. At the same time, we have to be open to listening to our significant others and accepting their views and vulnerabilities. Emotional safety grows only when both feel like they can share everything important to them and have a space where they can openly talk about those things.

Just think back to the first stage of any blossoming relationship you’ve ever had. I, for example, remember exactly how insecure I felt the first time I slept over at my boyfriend’s house. Should I tell him that sometimes I might snore? What if my hair sticks out in all directions the next morning? There are a thousand questions like this that we ask ourselves when we commit to someone.

But, first, we want to know if the other person likes us as much as we do.

This also includes feeling accepted by our partner. If we are unsure whether we’re in a safe space to openly discuss our hopes and dreams, the key factor that lead to troubled relationships might occur. According to researcher John Gottman, these four key factors are criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. Consequently, if we get to know someone and always feel like we have to defend ourselves, not bring up certain things, or don’t pay attention to important things, we can’t engage with the other person. The bottom line is that we protect ourselves when we don’t feel safe.

On the other hand, when we feel safe with someone, there’s no need to protect ourselves — what from anyway. We start to relax, especially when we know our partner won’t criticize us, make fun of our fears, or take our dreams seriously. Basically, we relax when treated with respect, kindness, and care. In addition, we’re even more open and at ease with a partner who signals to us that they have the capacity and interest and want to fully understand our essence. They want to put in the work and hear, see, and understand us, even if they might fall short at times. It’s this commitment that improves and fosters intimacy.

Of course, when we reciprocate by extending ourselves toward another’s world in a way that allows them to feel emotionally comfortable with us, the closeness grows much deeper. But, to enjoy the dance of intimacy, it needs two self-aware and undefended equal partners who are emotionally honest not only with each other but also with themselves.

How to create and strengthen emotional safety.

To really feel comfortable in a relationship, there are a few things that you need to keep in mind. For example, it’s important to set and respect boundaries. In addition, we all need time to get to know a person, meaning that we share information about ourselves gradually, need time for ourselves, and have the inner strength to ask for space when we need some alone time. Furthermore, there must be a way to communicate the personal comfort level on intimacy.

And sometimes, we communicate boundaries and things that are curial to us in a non-verbal way. Meaning that body language is essential for emotional safety. Whether you realize it or not, you and your partner constantly interpret vocal tone, posture, and other micro-expressions. Body language can arguably speak louder than verbal communication. We instantly enjoy ourselves more when we express ourselves appropriately and receive suitable indications from our partners. Because we’d like to spend more time with our partner, this positive cycle reinforces our desire to be with our partner.

Suppose we can have open and honest conversations with our partners, keep our promises, carefully listen to them and their concerns. In that case, we are actively building an emotionally stable relationship. When we can get involved with someone without reservations, gradually share who we are and what we want in life, and feel like our true self is being cherished and loved no matter how flawed we are — isn’t this exactly what a relationship is all about?