So Many Couples Grow Apart, Here’s Why

Summary

The article discusses the common phenomenon of couples growing apart, emphasizing the importance of addressing small changes and behaviors in a relationship to prevent larger issues from developing.

Abstract

The article "So Many Couples Grow Apart, Here’s Why" explores the frequent reason for relationship breakdowns: couples growing apart. It suggests that while significant changes in a partner might be noticeable, it's often the accumulation of minor annoyances and habits that can lead to a couple drifting away from each other. Terri Orbuch, a psychologist, is cited, highlighting the importance of dealing with even trivial changes like mismatched socks, which could become major points of contention over time. The article also touches on the idea that some perceived changes are actually long-standing behaviors that are only now being recognized differently as the initial infatuation phase of the relationship fades. It underscores the necessity of communication and understanding in maintaining a relationship, noting that feelings of not being appreciated or valued can lead to one partner emotionally checking out. The piece concludes on a hopeful note, suggesting that falling out of love is a natural part of the relationship cycle and can lead to deeper love if both partners are committed to the relationship and practice loving actions.

Opinions

The author believes that the common reason given for breakups, that couples have grown apart, is often due to a failure to notice and address small changes in the relationship.
It is suggested that successful couples view each other as best friends and teammates, supporting each other even when goals differ.
The article posits that brushing over minor annoyances can lead to significant relationship issues down the line.
Dr. Terri Orbuch's research is referenced to support the idea that dealing with small changes is crucial for the health of a relationship.
The author expresses that the perception of a partner's habits can shift after the honeymoon phase, leading to potential conflict.
The piece conveys that a lack of empathy, patience, and caring in a relationship can indicate that a partner may have emotionally disengaged.
It is emphasized that feelings of not being appreciated or respected don't appear suddenly but develop over time due to unaddressed issues.
The author is convinced that the process of falling in and out of love is a natural cycle in relationships, which can lead to a deeper connection if both partners are actively engaged.
The article encourages readers to recognize that they have the power to influence their experience of love through their own actions and commitment to the relationship.

Mismatched socks might make or break a long-term relationship

We’ve grown apart. It’s probably the most common reason couples give for why their relationship didn’t work out. In all honesty, I wasn’t surprised when I read that about 80% of couples give this reason for breaking up. Although I wasn’t able to find more sources supporting this claim, I have to admit that I have lost count of how many times I have heard a friend say this sentence after a breakup.

Are we growing apart because we change so much overnight? Hardly.

Therefore, I asked myself if there is a chance that we might not be that great at spotting little changes in our relationship after all.

From strangers to lovers to strangers again

Successful, happy couples frequently state that their significant other is their best friend, who always has their back and is someone they can count on in any situation. Someone to count on, and work together as a team even if the goals are not exactly the same. However, suppose you’re in a relationship that’s lost its spark or is failing. In that case, you and your lover are unlikely to agree that you’ve been there for each other in any meaningful or consistent way recently.

In fact, rather than being a rock of endless love and support in your life, your spouse may be the source of your misery and frustration. And it’s maybe precisely because brushing over little annoyances during the relationship can evolve into something unforgivable over time. While change in long-term relationships is inherent and should be embraced, certain behavioral habits should raise red flags.

Terri Orbuch, Ph.D. psychologist and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, found that it’s important to deal with small changes. These changes range from hanging out with new friends, to never wearing the same color socks, to running late more often. What might not annoy at the beginning of a relationship, such as mismatched socks, can infuriate you later down the road.

Interestingly, some of these changes aren’t really changes. Maybe you’ve joked about the socks or never bothered waiting another ten minutes. The difference is that now you’re noticing this habit. You’re simply seeing your partner differently. This is not at all uncommon, as reality usually sets in after the honeymoon stage. Unlike big changes that represent a direct contradiction to your own thoughts or values, small changes can snowball into huge obstacles if not addressed appropriately and early.

While every couple goes through rough patches, it’s important how issues are brought up. When both partners feel understood, it also gives a sense of belonging and trust. However, if your partner has become less sympathetic, impatient, and uncaring about your feelings, it’s a concern. This may also be because the partner has already inwardly tapped out of the relationship. It’s the source of one of the key reasons why people fall out of love. Namely, that they don’t feel appreciated, respected, or valued in their relationship. However, I am convinced that these feelings don’t come out of nowhere.

While in a long-term relationship, a couple experiences different stages. During these phases, not only the couple develops but also the relationship. If everything was always rosy at the beginning, this is fortunately no longer the case later. Fortunately, because in the phase, you really get to know each other and deepen your love.

We fall out of love because we’re human

It’s how relationships are designed. All of us can fall out of love. Actually, we can even make ourselves fall out of love. Sounds dramatic, right? Actually, falling out of love doesn’t mean your relationship is over. In a healthy relationship, both realize what they have. Thus, fall in love again — even more deeply than before. Then we fall out of love, just to fall back in love again. It’s a repeating cycle — as long as both partners are on board.

Realizing that we don’t have to wait for anybody else to change to experience love has a lot of power. This yearning may be satisfied by our own acts has a lot of force. You can have a loving, honest, and happy relationship for a lifetime if you understand the love rules and commit to putting the loving deeds that open your heart into practice. It’s not always simple or easy, but it’s definitely worth it.

Because, in the end, we just want to be loved.

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