Why Affairs Are Addictive
The fascinating neuroscience behind infidelity
An affair is not automatically immoral, especially since singles who don’t want to have a committed relationship also indulge in friends with benefits arrangements, for example. And yet, lately, I’ve been wondering how it can be that infidelity websites such as Ashley Madison are increasingly popular, especially during the pandemic.
When an affair is accompanied by infidelity, the whole thing becomes much more complicated, painful, and unfair. Infidelity is painful, especially since it strikes at the core of your life. Leading to confusion, disorientation, and questioning of your life in general. But it’s not only painful to the betrayed spouse but also to the other person involved. The secret love affair might hope for more and is shattered when expectations are not coming to fruition. And lastly, there are your own feelings of guilt and remorse. However, as outraged and against adultery one might be, the reality is that a lot of people cheat.
With all that is on the line, I had to ask myself: Why is it that people cheat? What do you get out of secret love affairs, and who cheats?
It’s about sex, closeness, and everything in between
Men seek closeness through sex; women need closeness for sex. Therefore, if closeness and bonding are lacking in the relationship, they are sought elsewhere. Conversely, it can be said that distance between partners creates the prerequisite for the need for closeness with others. This also means that anything that strengthens the bond between partners minimizes the risk of cheating.
Despite this, there is a need for sites like Ashley Madison, which debuted on Valentine’s Day in 2002. According to the chief strategist of the infidelity site Paul Keable, it appears to be frequently a physical component when it comes to closeness. People who use such services enjoy their lives and are simply looking to find a missing piece outside of their relationship.
So what happens when you join the more than 17,000 daily new Ashley Madison members in search of such an adventure?
“Flame Addiction” is central to understand infidelity
According to psychologist and relationship researcher Scott Haltzmann, infidelity is a “flame addiction.” A person having an affair craves the other person, wanting to experience the same addictive behavior repeatedly. This is due to a series of complex neurological, chemical, and hormonal changes. Our brain reacts similarly to affairs as it does with other highly addictive things. We react to changing situations. With a love affair, it’s not any different. A love affair, by its very nature, prolongs those sensations of infatuation. The longer the relationship lasts, the stronger the sentiments of infatuation get.
For one thing, the rush of adrenaline-like norepinephrine practically takes the love-stricken individual’s breath away. Then, during the infatuation phase, serotonin levels decrease drastically, creating a sensation of emptiness and an intense obsession with the other person. And then, there is dopamine — a major factor in any addictive type of behavior. According to studies, the brain produces a surge of dopamine when someone is exposed to a fresh stimulus. It is also nicknamed the “reward neurochemical.”
Dopamine levels remain low unless a married pair attempts to keep things fresh and exciting. However, outside of marriage, continual exposure to a beautiful person creates a surge in dopamine; the absence of that person induces emptiness and uneasiness. Returning to the source of the chemical surge — the affair partner — is the only way to feel normal again.
Affairs, sex, and seeking love that never lasts
It is not for me to judge or condemn people who become unfaithful for various reasons — one must never do that. One always looks only at the head, never in the head. There is never a good reason to lie about one’s own relationship and deceive others. I find it more than a pity when one knowingly accepts the pain of others.
And then there is also the question of whether you can turn an affair into a happy relationship. It is extremely rare for an affair to turn into a lasting, happy relationship. American therapist Shelly Glass and relationship researcher John Gottman have found that only a fraction of affairs turns into new relationships. 75 percent of all marriages that result from affairs end in divorce. Not really a great outlook after all. They found that this is because the forbidden attraction is gone, exchanged for the monotony of everyday life.
However, some couples are very unhappy in their relationships, find each other as affair partners, and become happy together.
Anything is possible in love — it’s just not all equally likely.
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