There Are No Justifications for Lying About Your Relationship

Summary

The article discusses the importance of honesty in relationships, emphasizing that being in a relationship, even a dysfunctional one, precludes one from being considered single, and that seeking companionship outside of one's relationship without transparency is unacceptable.

Abstract

The author of the article shares a personal experience to illustrate the complexities of modern dating and the importance of being truthful about one's relationship status. The narrative revolves around a romantic interest who confessed to being in a relationship while pursuing the author, leading to a breach of trust. The article references psychological research to explore the various reasons individuals might stay in unsatisfying relationships, such as fear of being alone, investment in the relationship, and practical concerns. However, the author asserts that despite the challenges and grey areas in relationships, deception is not a viable solution. The piece concludes with the author's reflection on the incident, expressing empathy for the individual's situation while affirming the necessity of honesty in love and relationships.

Opinions

The author believes that being single means not being involved in a stable sexual relationship with anyone else and that feeling alone in a broken relationship is not equivalent to being single.
It is emphasized that honesty about one's relationship status and intentions is crucial in the dating world, and dishonesty about being in a relationship while seeking companionship elsewhere is inexcusable.
The author acknowledges the complexity of reasons why people stay in unfulfilling relationships, including emotional and practical factors, but maintains that these do not justify deceit.
The article suggests that relationships with elements of deceit and uncertainty are unlikely to succeed.
Despite the hurt caused by the deception, the author expresses pity for the person's situation, recognizing the challenges of being in a dysfunctional relationship.
The author values the growth and self-awareness that come from being truly single and working on the relationship with oneself.
The conclusion of the article reflects on the incident with a sense of closure and forgiveness, highlighting the unpredictable nature of love and the possibility of maintaining a friendship post-conf

Love is always a decision, albeit never a clear-cut one

I always thought that people have the same understanding of being single. To me, this means not being involved in a stable sexual relationship, not being with anyone else. It means being alone.

Turns out I was wrong. For some, feeling alone in a broken relationship is similar to being single — I happen to disagree strongly.

In the world of online dating, there aren’t many things that still shock me. I’ve always liked getting to know new people and found dating both very exciting and extremely tiring. It took me time to figure out what I want in a relationship. I needed to be truly single, find my way, spend time with myself, and grow as an individual. I took care of the most important relationship in my life — the one I have with myself.

Since it took me quite some time to figure out what I want, I didn’t mind that some people kept their options open and weren’t looking for something long-term. I think that is fair game as long as we are honest about our relationship status and intentions.

Unfortunately, some people do this one thing that I will never be able to wrap my head around. While still being in a relationship, they seek what they are missing somewhere else — without telling their partner or the person they are seeing.

No single is feeling alone and trapped in a relationship with someone else — ever.

You’ve guessed it; this has precisely happened to me. A guy I had fallen for suddenly confessed to having a girlfriend and being stuck in a dysfunctional relationship. He wasn’t ready to end the relationship for various reasons. I did listen to his reasons, but it didn’t change the fact that whatever we had was definitively beyond repair.

He was lonely and stuck in a relationship but definitively not single.

Not being honest about his relationship is what destroyed any trust between us. I did relate to reasons why someone can’t call it quits — think of financial dependencies, a severely ill partner, and so on. But in the end, it does not change a simple truth: As long as there is another type of commitment in your life, you are not single.

I did wonder, though, what the main reasons for staying in an unfulfilling relationship could be. In their research, psychologists Samantha Joel, Geoff Macdonald, and Elizabeth Page-Gould asked over 400 people questioning their relationships about their reasons for staying or leaving their romantic partners.

People came up with a total of 27 reasons to stay. Attraction, physical and emotional intimacy, and support were among the key relationship components studied. People were afraid of being alone and didn’t want to waste the time and effort they had already put in. They took into account the positive qualities of their partner’s personality and how much fun they had together. They also took practical concerns such as possible family disruption and financial implications into account.

Participants also gave 23 generic reasons for leaving, including many of the themes mentioned when considering staying with a partner. Still, they were more negative in nature, such as a partner’s problematic personality, deception or cheating, lack of support, emotional distance, and insufficient emotional or physical intimacy.

Whether to end a relationship or not is a deeply personal decision. Whatever the future holds, relationships will always be complicated. Some relationships, although great, have issues, and others that might be shaky have their virtues. Where there are people, there are grey zones. I get that. However, secretly seeking this from someone outside the relationship without being transparent about it is not okay.

Love is a decision — one that is rarely clear-cut.

Love is never easy. It takes turns, shakes you up, and makes you realize things about yourself. However, I don’t believe relationships that have elements of deceit and uncertainty work. Lying about commitments to others is never okay.

At the end of his confession, I was shocked, angry, and hurt. It took me some time to realize that I also pitied him. Unlike him, I had the chance to lick my wounds, move on quickly without having to second guess myself or wonder how I got stuck in a dysfunctional relationship. Furthermore, I wasn’t the one in a relationship falling for someone else. He was the one feeling alone, not me. It doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it explains it. Today, he is happily single, I am in a great relationship, and we’re friends.

Love has strange ways.