Reasons Why Uncertainty Is a Relationship Killer
It’s why some relationships never flourish and others fail
I decided to have a clear view of how I want my future relationship to be, and it was the best decision I ever made. Here’s why.
To me, all relationships in life base on the same principle: certainty. By this, I mean, above all, the certainty that someone is effectively and wholeheartedly supportive and accepting of me. Several studies have shown how important it is to radiate security to your partner. Furthermore, uncertainty about a prospective romantic partner’s interest in you might make you think of them as less sexually appealing.
We trick ourselves into believing someone is less attractive because we are scared of potential rejection. That’s why we prefer keeping a safe distance from people when we are unsure about their intentions. Although there have been studies claiming that insecurity increases sexual appetite, Harry Reis, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, believes the opposite to be true.
When people are secure in their partner’s interest and approval, they are more attracted to the person. It’s a clever way of finding out whether a partner is suitable or not. Sexual desire may serve as a gut-feeling suitability indicator, motivating people to seek romantic relationships with a trustworthy and valuable partner. In contrast, inhibiting attraction can serve as a mechanism to protect the self from engaging in a relationship with an unknown future.
Uncertainty is devastating for personal and relationship well-being
However, uncertainty is not the only key when getting to know someone and in well-established relationships. The same mechanisms apply, and after the first intensive wave of love fades, uncertainty might surface. Why? Because when we feel excited or euphoric, or in love even, we are less sensitive to the subtleties of our partner’s emotional worlds. Moreover, we rush to project what we want to see in them.
In other words: As soon as the “love rush” wears off, we stop projecting and start to see things we might dislike. We slip into a disillusionment phase, where the facade of certainty starts to crack. We become increasingly unsure and wonder whether it still makes sense to continue a relationship and whether the relationship is not built on a strong foundation after all. It’s difficult to be unsure about a future together. Therefore, we all seek assurance about where the relationship is going.
However, at what point is uncertainty a red flag?
Uncertainty can mask truths we don’t want to acknowledge. However, more often than not, they derive from personal projections rather than concrete shared values. According to Steven Stosny, Ph.D., “with the exception of anger and resentment, no emotional experience has more illusion of certainty than love. The need to feel certain is at least part of the reason we come to resent the most the people we loved the most”.
Strong emotions and sensations cloud our perceptions of what other people are going through. While uncertainty in relationships is common, feeling unsettled and doubting the relationship can cause anxiety, restlessness, and dissatisfaction. You realize you have no power over them; all you have is control over yourself. The less you believe in your willingness to be okay no matter what your partner does, the more jarring the doubts get.
However, having doubts about your relationship can signal if something is not as it should be. It can be in your relationship but also within yourself. Or, both.
My love is not my better half — he’s my partner
As I mentioned initially, I have been thinking a lot about how I want to lead a relationship and what is important to me. By thinking about this and intensively dealing with my feelings, insecurities, and needs in a relationship, I can specifically appreciate certain character traits in my partner. Not because they are always charming, but because I have very consciously chosen him.
This helps me differentiate between my projections, personal insecurities, and how I want to be towards my partner. I want to be aware of myself and repeatedly demonstrate to my boyfriend that I am committed to the relationship.
I will try to do that by being sensitive to his vulnerabilities and positive traits, expressing this through small behaviors of respect, concern, tolerance, and sympathy. I am certain that having a great partner who supports us through ups and downs makes us understand the true value of a relationship: having someone who supports us through joy and turmoil, who sees all our flaws and helps us realize our humanity by allowing us to love, support, and appreciate regardless.
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