Confessions of a Serial Dater

I want a partner, not a project

You know what? Julia Roberts is right. I am done finding excuses for guys that are not worth my time because I believe that as a woman, I am supposed to have “patience.” Not only am I done with trying all that I can to look pretty for men, but I am also done wasting my time on men that are more like projects.

Yes, Julia Roberts said it best.

“Women, you are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men… It is not your job to fix him, change him, parent him or raise him. You want a partner not a project.” — Julia Roberts.

For me, this means one thing above all: Not being afraid to be alone. There is no point in being in an unhealthy relationship. While dating men, I was determined to go through the ups and downs of dating while treasuring the most important relationship in my life above all — the relationship to myself.

Finding out what I need from a relationship took me quite some time. I’ve spent my single years listening to exciting, boring, and entertaining life stories. I had drinks in fun, posh, or mediocre bars and discussed everything from astrology (which I know nothing about) to politics, society, and philosophy (which I happen to know a thing or two). With each date, successful or not, I learned something new for myself.

While finding out what I want I did get lost

There are many things to be said about Tinder, and most of them are true. It can be a tedious experience, matching with guys that have neither manners nor humor. In all honesty, I needed a break now and then — who can swipe, match, and chat on Tinder over a long time? I mean, longer than two weeks without getting bored?

And yet, I was always curious to go out on dates. Luckily, at least, for the most part, I enjoyed myself — all the while knowing it wouldn’t lead to anything but still enjoying good conversations. Or not enjoying myself at all. While these experiences were more than a little uncomfortable at the time, I think they are good anecdotes today. Who has had the pleasure of hearing stories about their ex-girlfriend for three hours?

I met a successful chemical engineer for afternoon coffee once. Less than two seconds into the coffee, he began to talk about his ex-girlfriend. While this isn’t exactly the smartest way to start a conversation, I don’t mind bringing up past lovers while discussing values in a relationship. The problem was how he talked about it — something just seemed off. His story didn’t exactly add up, and I felt increasingly uncomfortable, afraid that I might uncover something unsettling. In all honesty, I should have ordered a shot instead of a drink. It took me what felt like an eternity before finally being able to pay for my drink and wishing him all the best for his future.

I’ve learned two things from this date: I am definitively not your rebound. Moreover, I want to be with someone who has their past sorted. It’s not about not talking about past lovers; it’s how you talk about past lovers.

But on a first date, I don’t want to hear from ex-girlfriends.

No experience is something I can’t handle

Let’s be real here: At a certain age, not having any relationship experiences is more worrying to me than having gone through messy breakups. I am in my (very) late 20’s. Is it mean for me to say that I don’t have time to “show” guys how love “works”?

I once dated a very decent and nice guy who never had a girlfriend and little to no experience with women. I couldn’t move past that. Dating him taught me that I don’t want to teach someone how relationships work, and more importantly, I want to know from my partner what he wants. I don’t want to shape or mold someone in hopes of having formed the perfect boyfriend. I am not perfect. Why should he be perfect then?

Relationships do not develop in a vacuum under scientific conditions. We have to do with our experiences, and how our ideal relationship should look like has a lot to do with inner maturity. Understanding the difference between great, good, mediocre, kind-of-bad, and the worst date ever takes time. Navigating to meeting new people is not only exciting but also very revealing. Dating holds up a mirror to you without mercy: What do you want? Where is the journey going? Which things are especially important to you?

Is it luck, fate, or the right timing?

Maybe it’s just luck; maybe it’s perfect timing. When I first saw my boyfriend, he radiated contentment and mischievousness that I found irresistible. To me, he is the most handsome man on the planet and definitively the most loving, honest, and thoughtful man I’ve ever met.

Not only does he get worked up about mansplaining, understands his privilege as a white man, but he also has the funniest pop culture references on the planet. With him, the hours fly by, and I feel safe, protected, noticed, and incredibly appreciated. What fascinates me most about him is that he knows what he wants and has no fear to express that. The best part is that we both want a partner, not a project. We are no longer willing to embark on building relationships that foot on uncertainties, unstable convictions, and games. And more importantly, we found a person willing to put in the work to make a relationship work.

After many dates, three years of being single, a pandemic, and a lot of swiping, I finally got to delete the dating apps on my phone.

I fucking loved it.