avatarSara Zadrima-Haeusgen

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njaro, and everyone else on the planet in the depths of Death Valley. But if you’re Black, Indigenous, a person of color, trans, gender non-conforming, and/or disabled, you’re basically in the Marianas Trench.</p><p id="b388">I didn’t make the rules. I’m just telling it like it is. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen!</p><p id="8f0f">Lol JK, you ARE the kitchen! I feel for you. It is such a great responsibility to have a piece of government property in your body. Be careful with that thing!</p><p id="5b6b">I’d tell you to take some birth control or something to prevent anything unwanted from taking up residency in there, but I just heard they’re coming for your contraception next too. Pretty smart of them, to want to make more slaves for the future when the current ones get too old to make and buy objects or sell guns like me.</p><p id="2542">I’m not sure how to help you, folks. Maybe you should have thought to commodify yourself in a better way.</p><p id="05e9">Or wait! I have a fun idea! Why don’t you try having gay sex! You can’t make a human like that, can you?</p><p id="795b">Oh, what’s that? Yeah. They’re gonna get rid of that soon, too. Don’t you get it? They WANT you to make babies. No sex allowed unless it’s making something for the government. And if you’re gay and making a baby, they don’t want that either.</p><p id="6050">Thank God I’m a gun! Lol am I right ladies?!</p><p id="5623">I feel so sorry for you and your little wombs. Sorry to be blunt, but all I’ve gotten out of this is that I’m a gun and I’m better than you.</p><p id="b3b1">Maybe if you’re a good little womb you’ll come back as me in your next life!</p><p id="b74f">Want more funny? Join the Medium Partner Program to read and write on Medium:</p><div id="6e0e" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/@Sarzad/membership"> <div> <div> <h2>Join Medium with my referral link - Sara Zadrima</h2> <div><h3>As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*CqqGleMJSlHDssAn)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="eb8d">Check out these other topical MuddyUm pieces!</p><div id="7dd4" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/supreme-court-says-men-must-stick-their-penises-into-nearest-dryer-vent-whenever-they-ejaculate-2bad34557534"> <div> <div> <h2>Supreme Court Says Men Must Stick Their Penises into Nearest Dryer Vent Whenever They Ejaculate</h2> <div><h3>Bizarro World offers alternative view of how pregnancy occurs</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*iZvtUcoORgWC1fVOa48lIQ.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="dce0">by <a href="undefined">Amy Sea</a></p><div id="e9cc" class="link-block"> <a href="ht

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tps://readmedium.com/holy-shit-we-have-to-do-something-ba50c6ff38ed"> <div> <div> <h2>“Holy Shit! We Have to Do Something?”</h2> <div><h3>Frida Katlo reverses herself</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*bmt4IgoqEXKHIQyPqCXDyQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="dd3d">by <a href="undefined">Gary Chapin</a></p><p id="6458">Want more Sara Zadrima? Check these out:</p><div id="d1e6" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/we-are-your-dogs-and-we-are-worried-8916ab9b7323"> <div> <div> <h2>We Are Your Dogs and We Are Worried</h2> <div><h3>These are NOT the dog days</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*gVZvEAYsY9r8Aa-s)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="4101" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/boobageddon-cb49fde9f0a5"> <div> <div> <h2>Boobageddon</h2> <div><h3>My tweenage nightmare</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*olRfLMujVB8dOx2x4hXS2A.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="5237" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-wont-listen-to-your-feeble-warnings-f16c94b569b8"> <div> <div> <h2>I Won’t Listen To Your Feeble Warnings</h2> <div><h3>It’s time to speak the truth</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*ULRwELpVU43ETkT5)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="2f6c">Want to be first to read my new stories? Subscribe to get my email notifications! I promise it won’t spam you. I am not a robot :-)</p><div id="095d" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/subscribe/@Sarzad"> <div> <div> <h2>Get an email whenever Sara Zadrima publishes.</h2> <div><h3>Get an email whenever Sara Zadrima publishes. By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don't already have…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*_bHpdVt4O4_wosCm)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><figure id="e2f7"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*NoblR8-0oSKYEmnH.png"><figcaption>Brand art by <a href="undefined">David Todd McCarty</a></figcaption></figure></article></body>

United States of Idiocracy

Ha! I’m a Gun and You’re Not!

Suck on that, people with wombs!

Image by Author (Sara Zadrima)

Hello, pathetic humans. Can you believe it? The House just passed a feeble attempt to control me while the Supreme Court succeeded in their efforts to control you.

That’s right! They overturned the protection of your right to an abortion, because your womb is NOT your private property! I can’t believe you got away with this for so long. All they did to me was “close the boyfriend loophole”, which is probably for the best? Maybe they should open one up for you instead.

See, I’m good for society. I’m powerful and intimidating. Police can wield me even if they’re not going to use me for anything but killing you “by accident” because they thought you were a bad guy. Random people can use me to kill people they don’t like, and the government can use me to control whoever they want! They can’t really use you for much, but at least your uteruses can make more bodies to make and wield guns for them!

They’d let me have an abortion if I wanted one, but why would I waste a perfectly good bullet? What if it cures cancer, or kills Hitler? The point is, I could if I wanted to and you can’t. Guns like me have the whole second amendment to protect us. They’ll never take my rights away!

I know you’re probably so jealous of the rights I have, but it’s for the best. I’m a tool for power. I can kill, I can intimidate, I can help whoever is in charge stay in charge.

You are a womb with a pretty little face attached, and wombs are factories for producing a workforce for the rich white men who own everything. It was silly of you to think you owned that uterus inside of you and that the 14th amendment would protect you if you tried to use it selfishly.

As a gun, I can do whatever I want. I help the big white men stay in power! But you? Oh, I take pity on you. If you’re a uterus-bearing person, you better lock that thing up if you don’t want a fully cooked infant!

Oh, I’m sorry, you think I’M the one that needs to be locked up? HA! You’re silly! Sure, some incentives for “properly storing me” have been introduced, but why would you even want to buy a safe for me when my sleek, sexy, macho bod can remain on display for the world to see? It’s even better if you holster me to your bod.

That is, unless you yourself are locked up for miscarrying a fetus. I hope your uterus isn’t malfunctioning! That won’t be good for the worker you’re cooking up in there, nor for the power structure we’re upholding.

Maybe if you trained your ovaries to shoot out bullets instead of eggs, they’d rethink your rights 😕

Not to brag, but I’ve practically got the same amount of rights and privileges of a straight cis white man, if not more!

On the privilege chart, we’ve got straight cis white men at the top of Mount Everest, me at the top of Mount Kilamonjaro, and everyone else on the planet in the depths of Death Valley. But if you’re Black, Indigenous, a person of color, trans, gender non-conforming, and/or disabled, you’re basically in the Marianas Trench.

I didn’t make the rules. I’m just telling it like it is. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen!

Lol JK, you ARE the kitchen! I feel for you. It is such a great responsibility to have a piece of government property in your body. Be careful with that thing!

I’d tell you to take some birth control or something to prevent anything unwanted from taking up residency in there, but I just heard they’re coming for your contraception next too. Pretty smart of them, to want to make more slaves for the future when the current ones get too old to make and buy objects or sell guns like me.

I’m not sure how to help you, folks. Maybe you should have thought to commodify yourself in a better way.

Or wait! I have a fun idea! Why don’t you try having gay sex! You can’t make a human like that, can you?

Oh, what’s that? Yeah. They’re gonna get rid of that soon, too. Don’t you get it? They WANT you to make babies. No sex allowed unless it’s making something for the government. And if you’re gay and making a baby, they don’t want that either.

Thank God I’m a gun! Lol am I right ladies?!

I feel so sorry for you and your little wombs. Sorry to be blunt, but all I’ve gotten out of this is that I’m a gun and I’m better than you.

Maybe if you’re a good little womb you’ll come back as me in your next life!

Want more funny? Join the Medium Partner Program to read and write on Medium:

Check out these other topical MuddyUm pieces!

by Amy Sea

by Gary Chapin

Want more Sara Zadrima? Check these out:

Want to be first to read my new stories? Subscribe to get my email notifications! I promise it won’t spam you. I am not a robot :-)

Brand art by David Todd McCarty
Humor
Guns
Abortion
Politics
Satire
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