UNITED STATES OF EJACULATION

Supreme Court Says Men Must Stick Their Penises into Nearest Dryer Vent Whenever They Ejaculate

Bizarro World offers alternative view of how pregnancy occurs

In Bizarro World, the penis is finally being held responsible for partaking in pregnancy. Whenever any man starts to ejaculate, the exotic flying Cockblock from Sweden's magical forests, will lift the ejaculator by his buttcheeks and deliver him to the nearest dryer vent.

As the cockblock assistant, the Gentle Dildo from the waterfalls of Southern France, sees the approaching flying cockblocker, they will meticulously open the dryer vent and the penis will be inserted.

The amazing side effect of this ejaculation solution is how soft everyone’s clothing, towels, and sheets are. Jizm has been found to outweigh the benefits of fabric softener by 2,000%.

People, who live on Bizarro World, require 37.56% less sex than on regular Earth because the fabric of their clothing is so sexually satisfying. Many lovers keep their clothing on while coitus-ing because the jizm-infused fabric provides an external stimulant for love makers.

When the vents are all fully in use, the jizm is also used as moisturizers, marinades, and provides hours of fun in jizm balloon fights.

“Nothing is wasted,” said President of Bizarro World, Nedib Eoj. “In the unfortunate occasion, when jizm sprayers are sloppy enough to impregnate a woman, who has not chosen to become impregnated, their penises remain in the dryer vent indefinitely. It is their choice whether they want to stay with their penis or part with it.”

When asked by an Earth occupant, what happens if the impregnated woman chooses to abort the unwanted pregnancy, President Nedib Eoj looked confused.

“What do you mean?” the 42-year-old President asked.

“Will the pregnant woman who wants an abortion go to jail, get fined or be forced to keep the errant sperm inside her body?” the Earth occupant asked.

President Nedib Eoj appeared shocked. “Does Earth still practice slavery?” he asked.

“Of course not,” the Earth inhabitant answered. “Why would you ask that?”

“Well,” said President Eoj. “Only in times of slavery are people forced to do things with their bodies they do not choose to. Are women slaves on Earth?”

At which point the Earth government marched in, putting a gag order on everybody, even people they weren’t in charge of, but primarily vagina possessors.

President Nedib Eoj approached the melting Mr. Potatohead, Mitch McConnell. “Why,” asked the Bizarro World President, “do penises hold no responsibility for pregnancies on earth?”

“Disgusting,” said mushy necked, Mitch McConnell cried. “Penises have nothing to do with pregnancy. Mine is solely used for putting head on my Coors Light.”

Winner of Craziest Fundamentalist Eyeball Owner on Earth, Amy Coney Barrett sauntered in, while birthing her 18th baby since she was confirmed Justice. She closed her eyes, gazed psychotically at her disappointed God and said, “Every time a penis squirts on me, a baby gets a psychotic QAnon supporting mother who fucks up the world even more than it seemed possible.”

Rudy Giuliani, who stowed away under looney-eyed Amy Coney Barrett’s robe, while hanging onto one of her newborns, asked, “Am I being ignored this week or used to tear apart democracy? No one called me back.”

When asked about the penis's involvement in pregnancy, Rudy admitted he was pretty sure he left his dingaling in a restaurant bar next to his shaving kit. He then boasted, “I can still knock a ho up.”

Fortunately, all of these people were immediately imprisoned in Bizarro World, where passers-by from other planets are allowed to observe them and speculate as to what makes them so stupid and dangerous.

“It’s gotta be contrast,” said one Alien. “On the planet Qs6gt!! no one would believe a word these lunatics said. Sadly, Earth is so overpopulated with morons, people who get into college are considered intelligent beings. It’s tragic.”

When asked about penises' involvement in pregnancy, the aliens were confounded. “Don’t you have Sex Ed on your Earth?” a Qs6gt!!’s diplomat asked.

To which Rudy popped his head out of Amy Coney Barrett’s placenta-soaked robe and yelled, “That’s what she said,” then passed out.

Thanks to Andrew Rodwin and Susan Brearley for editing chops.