TILL DEATH DO I PART

Who Are My In-Laws If I Marry Myself?

I hope I say yes

It’s finally happening. I’m gonna propose. I’m so nervous. I thought about getting down on one knee, but my knees are terrible. There’s always the risk once I go down, I’m stuck there until a fast dog runs past and I grab their leash to yank myself up.

What if it’s too hot out and nobody’s walking their dogs? What if everyone’s letting their dogs out back? You gotta think about these things. Life does not guarantee a fast dog with an errant leash.

A proposal says a lot about the proposer. Are you really in love? How in love? Are you willing to do something so big, so extroverted, so public you might end up looking like a fool if you don’t get the answer you desire?

Are you a romantic? Or are you all about the story you want to tell people later? Are you cheap? Who are you when you propose? Do you invite family? Do you get permission from the parents?

I’m a proposal junkie. I cry whenever I see one. I even cried when I saw a guy barf out the ring onto the sidewalk after the bars closed. I think it was a proposal. So brave. He could have died. That is love.

Even on The Bachelor when I know that pig has screwed all the other girls, I still get choked up. He picked her, I think, even if he won’t want her by the time the show airs — she was the one. He liked screwing her most of all. Talk about a fairy tale. Whew. Your greatest loves, my grandma used to say, are not necessarily your longest.

I’ve collapsed onto a park bench in utter joy after watching a live skywriting proposal. That’s when I knew — that was how I’d propose one day. I’m not rich though.

I’m a regular girl with a budget but I found a guy in Iowa who sprayed corn with insecticides. He told me insecticides were totally misunderstood and completely safe for skywriting. Better even.

He said insecticides gave off a golden hue contrasting them with the clouds and darkening the sky creating a sunset vibe. He was also cheap and he said he’d throw in corn for my wedding dinner. Boom. Proposal and catering. When I saw he had a banjo in his cockpit, I was three for three.

Unfortunately, when the plane flew overhead I missed it. I passed out from the fumes. Even if I hadn’t passed out though, I’m also easily distracted. A very cute dog walker, who looked like Thor, had just walked by and let me pet his Shih Tzu. So I missed my proposal altogether, but Thor, ya know. Once I’m married, that’s it. Gotta flirt while I’m still on the table.

My second attempt at proposing was the ring in the cake thing, but does that work for anyone? Or is it just some Emergency Room ploy at humor? The great news was when the ER doctors found the ring, they also found my car keys, the missing cap from my bike tire valve, and the puzzle piece from the Andy Warhol Marilyn Puzzle. When they pulled out a Van Gogh, I knew I’d gotten my money’s worth.

Needless to say, the first two proposals left me in the red so I had to do something cheap on my third attempt. I bought knee pads. It wasn’t going to be the most romantic proposal story ever. I wasn’t going to be able to compete with those show-offy proposals like when Ahab hid that ring in the whale, but it was my proposal and that’s all that mattered.

I was so nervous. I had no idea if I was going to say yes when I proposed to me. It’s a big commitment. I don’t take things lightly like the girls on The Bachelor. I’m not going to pretend to love me just to get a one-on-one night alone with me. I’m not a tv slut.

I had big questions for myself when I considered my proposing. Was I willing to only sleep with myself for the rest of my life? What if I cheated on myself? Would I stay? Could I forgive myself? Did I believe in death till me part or was I going to jump ship as soon as the going got tough?

I know you can only guess how you’ll behave when the pressure cooker’s on, but I had to consider the possibility I might not be designed for marriage. Not everyone is.

What about kids? Was I prepared to parent with me, knowing what a pain in the ass I can be? Or what about the fact I never picked up my socks and I don’t even know how the washing machine works?

What about when I get old? When my looks fade? What if I get fat? How shallow am I? Will I still be attracted to myself? What about sex? Will I get bored with sleeping with myself night after night? Will sex get repetitive and I’ll stop having it spontaneously? Will I become one of those people who plan sex in my calendar?

What about my in-laws? I knew how tough my family was. Was I willing to put up with them all those years? Was I willing to go on holidays and vacations with those people and put up with their insanity just to be with me? That was a biggie.

Real life questions. I had to be honest with myself. There was always divorce. As much as I loved myself, the escape hatch is real. I could leave me whenever I wanted. That comforted me. I knew what I had to do. I knew what would make this proposal feel safe and protect me in my future.

Prenup.

Inspired by Anu Anniah’s story