Cottony Bliss
I Won’t Listen To Your Feeble Warnings
It’s time to speak the truth
The weakest warning label of all time says the following: “do not insert swab into ear canal”, and it says it on the side of every box of Q-Tip cotton swabs.
If the Q-Tip marketing team thinks a suggestion written in tiny print on the side of the box is going to make me deny myself the pleasures of sticking a cotton tip into my ear canal after a shower, they’re absolutely off their rockers.
The measly little command needs to try a lot harder if it really wants anyone to stop using Q-Tips for their true purpose.
Yes there are suggestions for other uses such as cleaning your computer keyboard, applying ointments or makeup, and taking care of baby feet, but do the makers of Q-Tip really think that they have us fooled? Do they think we don’t know the real reason Q-Tips are so successful?
They’re the PERFECT size for sticking into your ears. I don’t believe for a second that these weren’t made for the sole purpose of causing eargasms while cleaning your auditory tract.
Once you’ve felt the sweet bliss of sticking one of these babies in your ear canal, there’s no going back. Just sweet, satisfying itch-scratching and wax removing that only a tiny, double-ended cotton swab can do.
I’ve been scolded by my ENT, shamed by Urgent Care doctors, encouraged to quit by my own Q-Tip-addicted mother, and warned many times by my fiancé.
I’ll never stop though. Not only did the evil geniuses who invented Q-Tips make them the perfect shape and material for cleaning out earwax, but they also made them great for scratching dry ears when you’ve used them so much that there’s nothing left to swab out.
I’ve had to go to the ENT and even urgent care several times to get impacted ear wax removed from blocking my ear drums. They always ask if I use Q-Tips, and how far into my ear canal I stick them. They give me such a pitiful look, because they know it’s too late to stop me.
What can I say — I’m an addict. I go home still yearning to scratch my ear canal in the ways only a Q-Tip can satisfy.
The innocent ploy of Big Q-Tip won’t fool me, and it shan’t fool any of you any longer. This company created the perfect formula for an addictive product and act like they didn’t mean it. The least they can do is own up to it.
So to Big Q-Tip I say this: come on out, you brilliant fools! Claim your actual purpose on your box. Live your truth.
And if you regret inventing it but won’t stop producing it because it’s simply too powerful and lucrative, then I suggest you do one of these two things:
- Bolster your warnings. Don’t insert into the ear canal or what, Q-Tip?! Give me the stakes. What do I have to lose, when there is only pleasure to gain? Why should I stop using your product for blissful swabbing?
- Include an apology letter on every box. Tell us you’re sorry for creating such a dangerous instrument of pleasure. You knew what you were doing. You knew the power you wielded, yet you wielded it anyway. So stop deflecting, stop pretending it has other purposes, stop hiding behind your silly label and take the blame for the generations of addicts you’ve created.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go. There’s an itch I need to scratch.