POLITICS
GOP Backs Vivek Ramaswamy as Presidential Candidate After He Vowed to Bring Back Losing
Get in loser, we’re going losing
If you can’t use ChatGPT to write your speeches, then plagiarize successful ones from prior candidates.
GOP Candidate Vivek Ramaswamy did so during the third Republican Debate for President of 2024. Which, incredibly, the debate was so mild and uninteresting that voters favored a candidate who didn’t show up: Donald Trump.
Ramaswamy tried to channel Trump energy by insulting his way to the top of the polls. This time around, his insults fell flatter than the Earth Kyrie Irving believes in. Ramaswamy’s insult of Nikki Haley’s daughter for using TikTok was poorly received by Republicans, as they praised the app for its easy access to little girls.
Ramaswamy next tried to insult the hosts and Michelle Obama, members who aren’t running for president. His weak Will Smith slaps were so boring that the audience fell asleep halfway through his barbs.
Desperate for popularity, Ramaswamy threw a Hail Mary in his closing remarks. His Tim Tebow pass was so well received that he skyrocketed to the top of the polls aft the end. We transcribed his speech below.
My fellow Americans. We need to address the honest truth. The GOP lost the 2022 Midterms. The GOP lost the 2023 Virginia State Senate and House. We’ve become a party of losers.
Ron DeSantis claimed that he’s tired of losing. So why is he’s running for the Republican ticket? The GOP has always been on the losing side of history.
We lost the Civil War. We lost our right to own slaves. Even African American Republican Tim Scott believes America lost as a society when they chose welfare over slavery.
We lost the Vietnam War. We lost the Iraq War. We lost so many wars that we changed our name to France.
We even elected the biggest loser in American History to represent us in 2016. Amazingly, Trump was so Republican that he lost the Presidential race in 2020! How was that possible when he won in 2016? We stormed the Capitol because we thought he was a winner!
But 2016 was just a fluke. Trump lost in everything else. He lost in so many business deals that he had to file for bankruptcy four times. One for each year the Confederacy lasted.
Trump lost in his personal life. He divorced from two of his wives, and separated from his third. He lost in the NDA with Stormi Daniels on keeping their affair a secret. He lost in progeny after the birth of Eric and Don Jr. He lost in romance after his daughter Ivanka testified against him.
Trump lost in court. The judge dismissed his pleas to throw out his lawsuits on the 2020 election case, the falsification of New York business records, and the illegal overvaluation of assets. Trump even lost his legal team when they turned on him to plead guilty for tampering with Georgia.
Worst of all, Trump lost his mind. He got away with corruption, sexual assault, racism, and profiting off lies for years! All he had to do was keep his mouth shut and none would be the wiser. Instead, he ran for president to show world that he’s an imbecile.
So why did we vote for Trump twice? Because WE are losers TOO! It’s in our blood! Trump failed his way into Wharton Business School. Trump lost his way to the presidency! If he could fail his way to success, then so can anyone else!
I don’t know why all these candidates on stage are vowing to bring back winning, especially when they won as much as Charlie Sheen. They vowed to improve the economy and aid fetuses after they’re born but gave no plans to do so. Their promises are as empty as Chris Christie stating he will go on a diet.
We’re the GOP! We make promises that we can’t keep! Why else would Trump fail on his promise to make Mexico pay for the wall? Even public enemy and liberal president Joe Biden succeeded in that!
Unlike all the other candidates, I don’t want us to become winners. I want to embrace losing. Because even if I lost the 2024 Presidential election, I still won.
And I’m the perfect candidate to represent this conservative group of losers. All Republican voters thought I performed the WORST out of all candidates in the third debate. I was the biggest loser of the polls! That’s why I should be the GOP nominee!
You know, my wife told me right from the beginning.
“You know, if you run, you know you’re going to lose.
“Since you’ve become CEO of Roivant Pharmaceuticals in 2021, you’ve been losing millions in revenue. Since 2023, you’ve lost billions. Your finance management skills are as impressive as George W. Bush’s.
“You even lost in your 2014 acquisition of Axovant Sciences’ Alzheimer's drug. Your abysmal acquisition forced you to beg your mother to conduct fraudulent clinical trials to boost its value. That way, you could cash out in a pump-and-dump scheme.”
And I’ll tell you all. That was enough motivation for me to run for president.
You’re gonna be so proud of your country, if I get the nomination, you’re gonna be so proud of your President, and I don’t care about that, but you’re gonna be SO PROUD of your country that we’re gonna keep things the same. Why would we want to start turning things around? We’re conservatives! We don’t WANT change!
We’re gonna start losing again. Just like we’ve done in the past. We’re gonna lose SO MUCH. We’re gonna lose at EVERY LEVEL. We’re gonna lose ECONOMICALLY. We’re gonna lose WITH the ECONOMY. We’re gonna lose to people who use clear and concise sentences!
We’re gonna lose with the miliary. Just like Senator Tommy Tuberville, we’ll make military promotions illegal! Serves these losers right for not playing in the NFL!
We’re gonna lose with healthcare and for our veterans. We will lose them so much that we will cut funding for their post-war treatment just so Tuberville can get a bonus for running the Senate’s flag football tournament.
We’re gonna lose at every single facet. We’re gonna lose so much, you may even get tired of losing. And you’ll say,
“Please, please. It’s too much losing. We can’t take it anymore. Mr. President, it’s too much!”
And I’ll say,
“No it isn’t! We have to keep losing. We have to lose MOOORREEE!”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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