Every Great (Sex) Journey Begins with a Single Step

Manageable milestones to help you reach your sexiest goals

Do you still have points on your sexual bucket list for 2023 that you haven’t fulfilled? Now’s the time to start! Or perhaps you’re already setting your goals for the new year? Here are some tips on how to make those fantasies a reality. (Originally published in Lustery POV at the start of the year.)

New Year’s resolutions can be a bummer. If you’ve ever started the year full of hope and expectations for a better you only to feel disappointed in yourself months down the line, you’re not alone. Studies show not even ten percent of those who set resolutions follow through.

I’m convinced part of the problem is that we set restrictive goals for ourselves; we try to do less of what’s exciting and delicious and more of the complete opposite. Where’s the joy in that? Simultaneously, we attempt to do everything at once, without a proper plan and without pacing ourselves. Basically, we set ourselves up for failure.

Instead of setting restricting killjoy resolutions, let’s embrace our inner hedonists and libertines and make fucket-lists (aka bucket lists for sex) instead!

But, just like with any other big goal we might have, such as running a marathon, we don’t just wake up one day and decide to run 42km without training for it. Without further ado, I’ve prepared a list of sex bucket list items, broken up into manageable milestones to help you reach your sexiest goals.

So you want to…

Go to a sex party

Can you train to attend a sex party? You either go to one or you don’t, right? Sure, but, take it from someone who made almost every possible mistake on my first visit to a BDSM club, there are a few things you can do to prepare yourself for your big night.

Step 1: Grow your sex-positive friend circle

BDSM munches, rope jams, and swinger- or poly meetups are casual peer-to-peer exchanges for kinksters and sex-positive individuals. Cacao ceremonies, tantra courses, and other intimate workshops also offer safe spaces to practice being open and vulnerable about your sexuality with others.

Depending on your preferences, all of the above are great opportunities to grow your sex-positive circle, learn about where the next hot sex party is taking place — and, even find someone to go with.

Step 2: Attend events where you can be a voyeur

Not ready to get dressed up and embrace your own sexiness in public yet? Get inspired by burlesque and strip shows, drag and cabarets, or other erotic performances where you get to lean back and soak it all up.

Get inspired by burlesque and strip shows, drag and cabarets, or other erotic performances where you get to lean back and soak it all up.

Step 3: Host a mini-sex party at home

Already have a few sex-positive or kinky friends in your circle? Why not host your own mini sex party?

You can make it anything from a dramatic, masked but naked cocktail affair to a night of erotic party games, like Spin the Bottle and Never Have I Ever. You can start the event with a series of touch and consent exercises, set up a play space to practice your spanking skills, or perhaps set the stage for a full-blown orgy…

Step 4: Time to party!

There are sex parties of every kind, from the BDSM and kink variety to swinger clubs, burner events, orgies, and much more. Before you go, read the event guidelines, follow the dress code, and bring your own supplies (condoms, lube, toys, etc.). If you go with friends or a partner, negotiate boundaries and expectations beforehand. I recommend not getting too intoxicated or, even better, staying sober, especially in combination with high-risk BDSM play.

Have a threesome

A threesome is the most common sexual fantasy. Nearly 90 percent of us have dreamed of it, but less than 15 percent actually follow through. Maybe, if we drafted a plan and worked our way up to it, that number would be higher.

Step 1: Get clear on what you want

Skipping this step is detrimental to your threesome dreams! Before all else, sit down and have an honest, in-depth conversation with your partner. Start by asking why you want a threesome in the first place. What do you hope to gain from the experience? Discuss your fears, insecurities, no-gos, and limits, as well as your dreams and desires. Are your goals and wishes aligned? Are you able to find compromises wherever they’re not? You may proceed!

Unpartnered and want to be a third? Have the same check-in with yourself. Bonus: You have no one to disagree with, so go seek out exactly what your heart desires!

Step 2: Chat with other threesome seekers online

Sex-positive dating apps like Feeld allow us to easily connect with others on similar or compatible quests. Begin by creating a couple’s profile and start perusing.

Be honest about who you are and what you’re looking for. It’s okay to want to take it slow and just chat, to begin with, as long as you make your intentions known. Don’t go unicorn-hunting, instead, remember that you’re looking for a real human with their own desires, not just a prop with which to fulfill yours.

Step 3: Meet people in real life

In the same way that munches, poly- and swinger meetups can be ways to find sex-party goers, they could also turn out some potential threesome participants. But remember, you’re not a hunter in a rush to fell your prey but a gardener sowing seeds that may eventually bear fruit. Have patience!

Remember, you’re not a hunter in a rush to fell your prey but a gardener sowing seeds that may eventually bear fruit. Have patience!

Step 4: Three is a charm. Go for it!

You’ve set your intentions, made the connections, and found your match. Now, do the deed. Just remember to take some time to warm up, keep communication open and clear throughout, be prepared to improvise along the way, and don’t forget about aftercare for all. Have fun!

Film porn with your partner

Do you ever watch porn and think I could totally do that, but then you never find the courage to actually do it? Try this…

Step 1: Cultivate erotic self-focus and film yourself masturbating

Before involving a partner, take the pressure off by practicing in front of the camera by yourself.

Erotic self-focus is the act of getting aroused by your own sexiness. Cultivating this is not only helpful if you want to film yourself, but research suggests that for many, and especially women, it’s an essential element of enjoying sex as a whole.

Make an event out of it; set the mood with flattering lighting and sensual music, and dress up in your favorite outfit or lingerie. Take time to experiment with movement to learn which angles flatter you best, all while pleasuring yourself. Make a point to focus on the act of filming rather than on the result — this is just for you!

Tip! Get a better look at yourself while filming by propping your phone or camera up against a mirror.

Erotic self-focus is the act of getting aroused by your own sexiness.

Step 2: Watch DIY and amateur porn with your partner

Watching ethical, indie porn with a partner is always a good idea, especially if you plan to make your own. Kick it up a notch by making a night of it: prepare snacks or mix your favorite drink and watch like you’re film critics. Use the opportunity to discuss what you like and don’t, and start shaping your own idea.

Step 3: Play around with filming each other.

No one creates their first masterpiece without rehearsing first. Spend some time having fun with a camera in bed (or somewhere else) without caring about the result. Pass the camera back and forth or place it on a steady surface, hit record, and do your thing. The point is to learn to get comfortable with yourselves, together, in front of the camera.

Step 4: Action!

You’re all set to make your first homemade porno. Get ready, set the scene, and press record. Action! What you do with your steamy content after is up to you, but, if you’re crazy about your result and want to share it with the world, Lustery is always looking for submissions from hot, real-life, loving couples like yourselves!

Hire a sex worker

If you think hiring a sex worker is reserved for those unable to find sex anywhere else, think again. Not only is the number of women hiring sex workers on the rise, but many do so to explore new kinks or other aspects of their sexualities in a safe space with someone more experienced.

If you’re curious but not ready to commit yet, you can work your way there.

Step 1: Subscribe to your favorite content creators

There are more platforms than ever that allow you to support your favorite adult performers and engage directly with their content. Many are open to creating custom, commissioned content or interacting with fans privately for a fee.

While many online creators don’t necessarily offer in-person meetings, you can still use this as training ground to engage directly with sex workers and to get into the habit of requesting — and paying for — what you want. Remember to be mindful of the creator’s individual rules and guidelines.

Use this as training ground to engage directly with sex workers and to get into the habit of requesting — and paying for — what you want.

Step 2: Proceed to online interactive sex work

Still not ready for an IRL meeting? From camming to paid sexting sites to JOI (jerk-off instruction) sessions and more, there are plenty of ways to engage sex workers, live and from the comfort of your own home.

Step 3: Book a session!

First, take inventory to decide what you really want from the experience. Do your research to find the right person for you, keeping in mind that sex workers, like yourself, have boundaries and preferences. Be prepared to show proof of identity and potential references to ensure that they feel safe to meet you. Be clean and polite, communicate clearly and, whatever you do, don’t try to talk anyone into lowering their rate or offering unpaid services.

Have Sex in Public

Did you know that the way our bodies respond to fear, with a quickened pulse and a surge of adrenalin, is identical to how we experience arousal? No wonder public sex is one of the highest-ranking fantasies of all. The excitement, the thrill, the fear of getting caught with our pants down, literally… It’s an unbeatable combination.

Still, few of us would actually like to get caught, so we let that voice of reason talk us out of anything too out there. However, public play doesn’t mean you have to put on a show in the city center in broad daylight. There are plenty of ways to play it safe(r) and nudge your way to the edge of your comfort zone, at your own speed.

Step 1: Dirty talk and subtle D/s play in public

Start by just talking about having sex in public, playing with the notion that you look innocent from the outside while whispering the filthiest things into each other’s ears.

If you’re into powerplay, give each other challenges to fulfill, such as instructing your partner to masturbate in the restaurant bathroom and bringing back a sneaky selfie — or, if you want something more tangible, their damp underwear — as proof.

Start by just talking about having sex in public, playing with the notion that you look innocent from the outside while whispering the filthiest things into each other’s ears.

Step 2: Remote-controlled sex toys and missing undies

Remote-controlled toys are a fun and low-risk way to play in crowded places. If the thought of someone hearing the vibrations from your toy freaks you out, start somewhere noisy like a club or a bar.

Alternatively, you can try inching yourself closer to your goal, one layer of clothing at a time. Start by going commando to somewhere like the park or to a movie and let your partner in on the secret by leading their hand up your skirt or into your pants. Who knows, perhaps this prompts you to skip right to step four?

Step 3: Have outdoor sex in a low-risk place

Still feeling shy? Why not go off the beaten path of your hiking trail, to a secluded beach, or somewhere else outside with a relatively low risk of intruders? This way you can relax and enjoy the ride without letting your nerves get the best of you. Besides, few things feel more deliciously primal than getting down and dirty among the birds and the trees, with the wind caressing your naked skin

Pro tip: a blanket, wet wipes, and bottled water are your outdoor sex kit essentials.

If the great outdoors is not available to you, there are other low-risk public (or semi-public) places to try, starting with your own balcony, inside a locked car, or in a decent-sized locked toilet stall.

Step 4: How big of a risk are you willing to take?

Many public sex aficionados may stop at the last step; others aren’t satisfied until they’ve screwed their way through everything from libraries and fitting rooms to public park benches, movie theater matinees, train cars, airplane bathrooms… I could continue but my point is, the world is your oyster!

But — yes, there’s always at least one but — before you head out to swallow said oyster, I propose the following guidelines: before doing the deed:

1. Make sure you never force anyone to witness something they can’t get away from.
2. Steer clear of places where children are playing!
3. Don’t take risks with consequences higher than you can afford. Look into your local penalties before doing the deed.
4. Leave the place how you found it; clean up after yourself!

Try out role-playing

Just because you fantasize about hooking up with your coworker in the copy room, receiving corporal punishment from your professor, getting railed by your buff handy worker, or tied up by a mysterious burglar, doesn’t mean you actually want those things to happen. But you can realize your fantasies in a different way — by pretending!

If you think roleplaying is awkward and you don’t know where to start, I can relate. The mere thought of acting out a scenario with a lover used to make me blush profusely. It didn’t help that I’d been with a partner for years, in fact, that only made it more awkward. Here are a few suggestions on how to push past the discomfort and get into role-playing.

Step 1: Loosen up through improvisation

Role-play is much more fun when we emphasize the word play — no one’s here to win an Oscar, so let’s stop taking ourselves so seriously.

To get comfortable in front of each other, start by playing adult charades, which is exactly like regular charades but spicier. Write a bunch of sexy words and actions on pieces of paper and take turns miming and guessing.

To improvise together, write down some of your favorite fantasy settings and act them out, setting a timer to a maximum of ten minutes per scenario. While it might happen — and that’s great too — the goal of these exercises is not to get turned on but to let yourself go and dare to be silly together. Once you’re over that hurdle, everything gets easier.

Step 2: Get dressed up

Have you ever put on a big hat or a wig, and suddenly turned into a different version of yourself? A little bit of costume goes a long way, and this applies in the bedroom as well as out.

I’ll never forget the first time I wore nothing but high stilettos to bed with a partner. I was in my early twenties and thought, only a sex vixen wears red heels to bed, as I slipped them on and crawled seductively onto the mattress. Guess what? At that moment, it completely changed our dynamic. I became that vixen, my partner was mesmerized — it was some of the best sex the two of us had.

If you have a specific fantasy you want to role-play, you can wear something that hints in the direction. No need to go full Halloween, unless, of course, that’s your vibe.

Step 3: Plan your scene

I used to think talking about sex beforehand ruined the mood; only later did I learn that the opposite is true. Making an evening out of planning and talking about a scene can be almost as hot as playing it out — plus, it creates all that juicy anticipation. Of course, you’ll want to leave room for improvisation and there’s no need for a script, but depending on the nature of your scene — especially if it involves risky or surprise elements, like CNC (consensual non-consent) or medical play — you want to establish safe words and set boundaries.

Making a whole evening out of planning and talking about a scene can be almost as hot as the scene itself — plus, it creates all that juicy anticipation.

Step 4: Play your role with conviction

Now that you’ve put your inhibitions aside and planned out your fantasy together, it’s game time! I started by recommending not taking yourself seriously, and what I’m about to tell you now sounds almost like the opposite: when it comes to playing your role, be fully and wholly immersed in it with as much confidence as you can muster. Clearly, there should still be room for silliness and laughter, but the more convinced you are, the more convincing you’ll be to your partner, allowing them to suspend their disbelief and embrace the fantasy.

In sex, much as in life, the scenic route is often better. See how much more approachable things get when they’re dissected into smaller steps? Now that I’ve shown you six ideas, maybe you can take your own fucket-list items and separate them into manageable milestones. Keep in mind that sex, like any other skill, is one that we can hone through practice and exploration!

© Ena Dahl 2023 [Kinksplaining with Ena] Originally published at Lustery POV, January & February 2023