How to Host the Best Kinky Sex Parties at Home
The best way to get what you want is to make it yourself
As the COVID vaccines get rolled out and the number of daily infections is steadily dropping, social gatherings are finally making their way back. With way over a year since our last large public event, my friends and I have been sighing at the thought of dancing all night at Berlin’s KitKat or perusing the play parties dressed to a tee. While it might still take some time until the clubs and big events are safely up and running, it could be time to start planning our own little private play parties.
I know, it sounds daunting, especially after all of this excessive, quiet, alone time, and I’m not gonna lie; throwing a play- or sex party isn’t easy as pie. Compared to your regular ol’ birthday, which can be challenging enough in itself, your usual concerns—will these people get along? and will everyone have a good time?—get elevated to the next level. Now, you also have to consider whether or not your guests will get along sexually, whether they’ll be attracted to each other, if their kinks match, and so on…
It can feel overwhelming, but is it worth it? I do think so!
When I threw my first private play party with my girlfriends from the BDSM scene, the four of us worked for weeks to line up all the puzzle pieces. The night ended up being spectacular — which was partially due to the alignment of wonderous circumstances — but our meticulous attention to detail definitely took it over the top.
Since then, I’ve both attended and been part of the planning and hosting of plenty of sexy gatherings and have learned a thing or two about what works and what doesn’t.
If you’re curious about throwing a play event or sex party of your own, read on…
Conceptualizing your event
It is possible to simply invite a handful of kinky friends and acquaintances, and hope for the best. It could even turn out to be a total hoot. On the flip side, it could flop, so if you’re after something special, you’re better off putting in some effort into planning ahead.
Decide on the type of party you want to host
You’ll want to be clear about the kind of event you want to create as well as what your own expectations and wishes are for the night. This will help you bring it to life and successfully set the tone for your guests as well.
Pro tip: Aim high, but keep your expectations low | The best way to get really disappointed (with anything) is to expect way too much. You’re not going to have all of your fantasies realized at this one party—or the next five—and that’s ok. Keep an open mind, set the stage, leave space for the unexpected, and aim to have fun above all!
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What are your options?
While they’re basically endless, I recommend starting by establishing the tone of your party: Do you want something playful and informal, like a birthday party gone-rogue, or perhaps a masked cocktail party—something theatrical, dark, and mysterious—à la Eyes Wide Shut. Will it be an event with lots of BDSM activities like spanking, sensory- or role play, and bondage—or, do you imagine something closer to a kinky orgy? Will there be a dress code? Etc…
Example 1: The friendly play-party | My last partner and I threw a few of these last summer and they were tons of fun. Here, the main focus was on playful exploration; the main living space designated to spanking and other naughty social games while the bedrooms were set up for anyone who felt like sneaking off for more explicit action.
We’d start off the events with snacks and drinks on the balcony to get everyone warmed up. Everyone would introduce themselves (despite most of us already knowing each other), talk about our kinks and boundaries as well as what we’d like to do that night. The party would commence inside where we’d naturally separate into groups depending on our desired activities. Sometimes, small demonstrations and workshops would unfold, other times an exciting scene would draw the crowd’s attention and turn into an impromptu show.
Classic party games like spin-the-bottle or truth or dare are other great ways to kick off event of this kind, which tends to get less silly and more sexy as the evening progresses.
This type of event is especially great if you’re new to play parties; their casual, fun nature leaves plenty of room for open communication and exploration, and, thus they feel less intimidating.
Example 2: The fancy dress-up affair | The first party I arranged was less casual and more lavish, for a few reasons: We had rented a location; a well-equipped dungeon with all the tools and furniture available, a house-bartender, cleaning staff. The latter was a huge bonus!
Of the near-twenty guests, not everyone knew each other, which added to the allure. Instead, everyone’s wishes, desires, and boundaries had been adressed up in a pre-party gathering a week prior. Doing it this way made it possible for everyone to show up in character—dressed in our finest kinky attire—leaving our regular personas at the door. It infused the evening with an air of sexy mystery and provided an atmosphere that allowed everyone to fully let go and live out different sides of themselves.
This type of party takes a bit more effort to pull off well, but when done right the thrill factor is definitely off the charts!
Everything in between | The above examples are just two different approaches. Use them as inspiration to create whichever event intrigues you, whether that falls somewhere in between, or somewhere else entirely.
Before the party
Most of the heavy lifting takes place beforehand so that when the night comes you can kick back and enjoy yourself with your guests. I recommend co-hosting with a partner or close friend(s)—it halves the workload and doubles the fun.
Create your guest list
I’ve arranged parties with between six and twenty guests and would say your sweet spot is found somewhere in there. Less tends to be more in these settings where you’re better off with an intimate group that has good chemistry rather than a large crowd where some feel totally out of place.
When it comes down to who to invite, I’m working from the assumption that you already have at least some sex-positive kinksters in your group of friends. A how-to-guide for meeting fellow kinksters will have to wait until a later article.
Knowing exactly who of your friends will vibe isn’t always predictable, so don’t overthink it—go with your intuition! Start with your inner circle and move out. On top, there are a few things to consider; how many of your guests are submissive or bottoms, how many are dominant or tops, and who switches? What are your guest's gender identities and sexualities, and does it balance out? How many are coupled and which of these are open to playing with others, and how? How many unicorns, aka singles who want to play with couples or other singles?
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Location, location, location!
Hosting at home is narly free and you don’t have to travel anywhere, deal with availability, contracts, deposits, and all that. On the other hand, most of us don’t live in secluded villas or soundproof apartments — in which case, hosting a sex party at home could create some potential issues with your neighbors—thus making the idea of a rented location more attractive.
Consider your pros and cons, what you can and can’t do at home, and make your decision accordingly. Regardless, communicate the house rules clearly to your guests upon arrival.
If you want to warn your neighbors without telling them you’re having a sex party, you can always make up something believable: You and your theatre group are practicing a contemporary adaptation of Titius Andronicus? Hosting a cosplay night? Playing charades? Kinksters are usually creative beings—you’ll come up with something!
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Getting set up
Be as elaborate or simplistic as you want with decor, depending on your time and budget, and your theme if you have one. I prefer to keep it simple and focusing on the following elements:
Lighting | Everybody knows soft, low, and warm lighting makes us look and feel sexier and more comfortable, which is what we’re going for. Turn off your overheads, fluorescents, and cold LEDs and switch on the small, ambient lamps and light candles — in safe locations, of course!
Cleanliness & hygiene| This should be a no-brainer, but I’ve been to enough messy house parties to know that it isn’t, and this is extra important at a sex party—both for comfort and safety. Make sure you keep cleaning and hygiene supplies available; a small apothecary station with tissue, sanitizer, condoms, lube, bed-pads, and towels is a good idea.
Atmosphere | After the first two steps are sorted, pay attention to all the five senses: Prepare a suitable playlist, light some natural incense or diffuse essential oils, make sure the room temperature is comfortable, draw your curtains, and load up with plush pillows and throws. Voilá!
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Creating your play spaces
At last, we arrive at the fun part; setting up designated play areas.
Impact play | Unless you own a butcher block or similar, you can set up a solid armchair or a long sideboard to lean over. There are plenty of affordable and elegant accessories available online or in your local, well-equipped sex toy shop, that can turn your home into a dungeon in no time, such as these gorgeous over/under door restraints which turns any door into an improvised St. Andrew’s Cross.
Display all impact tools and toys on a flat surface, place them in a nice umbrella stand or bucket next to your butcher block, or hang them from empty hooks on the wall.
Sensory station | Create an assembly of blindfolds, feather ticklers, Wartenberg pinwheel, wax-play candles, and an ice bucket with cubes. Lay down a spill-proof surface and finish it off with some restraints. You now have your very own area dedicated exclusively to titillating the senses.
I could go on (and on) listing ideas for creating little nooks for every kink and fetish out there, but you get the idea. Get creative and have fun with it!
What if you don’t own many tools and toys? | Tell your guests to BYOT (bring your own toys). It goes without saying that all shared equipment, including impact toys must be cleaned and sanitized! Also, make sure to check my guide to The BDSM Tools You Didn’t Know You Owned for an overview of the many nifty items in your home with alternate deviant purposes.
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Food and refreshments
Let’s face it, no one’s here to eat (food at least), so keep it simple—and light. Instead, set up a snack table packed with healthy drinks and refreshments to keep everyone’s hydration levels and blood sugar stable.
Not sure what? Fresh cut veggies, hummus, dips, marinated olives, and some crackers or bread are easy classics. Fruits, berries, and dark chocolate add a layer of sexy! Throw some ice, citrus, cucumber and/or fresh herbs in your carafes to make that water look extra tempting. Lush, lavish, and easy-peasy! To save time and money, ask your friends to bring something to contribute.
Safety tip: Don't get wasted! | Many BDSM and kink clubs around the world have a no-alcohol policy for good reason: Intoxication and kink don't mix. You want to be alert and awake to avoid causing any harm to yourself or others—besides, it’s not great for sex either. Still, a bit of liquid courage in the form of a glass of wine or a light drink can act as the social lubrication needed to lighten the mood and ease some nerves. Still, make sure a no intoxication policy is communicated to your guests.
Get the party started!
You’re so-so close now, you can basically smell that latex care gloss. But before you open your doors to welcome your guests there’s one last thing:
Get everyone on the same page
As mentioned in the party examples, I recommend to either start the evening with an intro-round or to hosting a meet-up before the party, in person or via group video chat. The goal is to set realistic expectations and make sure everyone’s informed of each other’s wishes and boundaries.
This is also your chance to walk through house rules and safety basics, such as the principles of SSC (safe, sane, and consensual) and RACK (risk-aware consensual kink). Remember to repeat basic consent awareness and establish a safe word for the evening.
For more in-depth reading on this, Tess Dagger has the full rundown on BDSM safety basics covered for you!
In a nutshell
To sum up; in order to host an amazing BDSM play party you want to:
- Get clear on the kind of event you want to host.
- Make a plan and set the stage for your wonderfully sexy plans to unfold.
- Craft your guestlist while remembering that less is more—you can always invite different guests the next time.
- Clearly communicate the premises of the party to give your guests a good idea of what to expect.
- Either start the party with a meet-and-greet, host a pre-party meeting before to get everyone on the same page.
- Prep and set up your home, or rented location, with love, care, and attention to detail, and make sure you offer healthy snacks and refreshments.
- Show up, well-rested and hydrated, with your mind open, your hopes high, and your expectations moderately low.
Let the rest happen as it may. And, most importantly, have fun and stay safe.
Now, hit the shower, hop into your hotpants, fetch your flogger and entertain that kinky ensemble!
Did you know that you can host your own play party with up to twenty people in SPNKD’s fully equipped playroom through our regular booking system? If you have something different in mind, we do take special requests!
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