Be Better in Bed!
Seven steps to sexual prowess
I feel ambivalent about sex tips. Don’t get me wrong, I gobble them up and I also write them. Still, I have an issue with sex advice that says things like “all men will love it when you do this” or “no real woman likes so-and-so”.
The problem with very specific tips is that every-body is different, and that’s not just true for our bodies, but for our minds too: We have distinct kinks and preferences, and not to mention, diverse circumstances and reference points.
Sometimes we even like different things from one day to the next. We’re affected by external factors, from work to the weather, and internal ones, from our mental to our physical health. My preferences change vastly according to my cycle—which is true for many women.
When I’m PMSing I want gentler, more comforting sex. Around ovulation, I’m practically swinging from the chandelier yelling for more.
Therefore my number one sex tip will always be; talk to each other!
There are a few other factors that separate the magnificent from the mediocre: While technique is important, the characteristics they have in common have more to do with mindset than ‘moves’.
So here it is; my list of the top defining traits to add the extra to the ordinary.
1¯
Use your mouth
Our mouths play one of the leading roles in sex and there’s no end to the joys they can bring. Still, the sexiest thing you can do with your mouth is mastering the art of sex-talk.
Not being able to vocalize our needs and desires is a huge loss and a common cause of sexual stagnation. I was in a ten-year-long relationship where we never discussed our sex-life. Like other routines, it wasn’t terrible; it was almost as exciting as making my morning coffee.
There’s really no ‘sex-tool’ more significant than our voices.
I’m quoting my own article about What I’ve Learned From Dating in the BDSM Scene. There are many ways to learn how to be more vocal about sex, but, being around others who are, certainly helps. Seeking out sex-positive communities, whether on- or offline, and whether oriented around kink, sacred sexuality, or other sexually liberal movements, can be a pathway to relieving inhibition and opening blockages.
If being vocal about sex is challenging, try to practice friends, or even strangers, until you get used to hearing the words roll off your tongue. Then, start slow with your partner(s) and ease your way into it.
2¯
Practice!
Having multiple sex partners can be beneficial: Each one brings out and teaches us something new. Through variety, we learn how different bodies respond to various types of stimulation.
Sex, whatever else it is, is an athletic skill. The more you practice, the more you can, the more you want to, the more you enjoy it, the less it tires you. ― Robert A. Heinlein
We don’t necessarily need many partners to gain experience, the most important is to keep practicing. Excuse my comparison of sex to a marathon, but if you want to do one, you gotta keep running—and you’ll improve whether you take the same route every day or not. Being in a committed and trusting relationship can be the ideal scenario for learning and improving.
3¯
Put yourself in their shoes
I’m not referring to some ‘freaky’ foot fetish game (all though, that could be fun too). Second to good communication, the most important skill to have in bed is empathy.
I love it when I hear people talk about how turned on they get when their partner is enjoying themselves. This is how it should be!
Sex with someone becomes much more enjoyable when everyone involved is having a great time. You don’t want to do anything in bed just for you. Instead, be present, tune into your partner; read their body language and learn their subtle verbal and non-verbal cues.
You can only understand people if you feel them in yourself. — John Steinbeck
Personally, watching my partner enjoying themselves during a blowjob makes me super-turned on. Even though I can’t know what having a penis feels like, I tend to get so into it that I literally experience their pleasure in my own body. On the flip side, few things are hotter than your partner moaning with pleasure, from giving you pleasure.
4¯
Get heady about it
When we try to master something, we study. We won’t become a better cooks by watching sports. Instead, we read about food, talk about it with our foodie friends, watch cooking practice in the kitchen and then ask for feedback from our diners.
Successful and unsuccessful people do not vary greatly in their abilities. They vary in their desires to reach their potential. — John Maxwell
The same goes for sex. If you want to advance, approach it the way you would any other skill or topic: Study it—talk about it—practice it—evaluate—repeat!
5¯
Then, get out of your head
I know I just told you to get studious, but once in bed, we want to get out of our heads—and into our bodies.
Some are naturally more sensual and in touch with their physical selves, while others are more on the intellectual side, and have a harder time silencing the constant buzzing of thoughts.
‘Try not to think’—is a lot easier said than done. It’s like telling someone with insomnia to ‘just relax and go to sleep, already’.
Activities like meditation, yoga and other mindful practices and exercises can help train your ability to be more present in your body.
Quiet the mind, and the soul will speak. – Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati
Practice sensuality in all areas of life. Let’s say you’re in a bakery. Tune into your senses. Smell! Let your olfactory system take you on a nostalgic journey to your first memories of freshly baked bread. Close your eyes and really listen to the sounds; the crackling of an oven, the chatter of voices, plates, and silverware. Let your fingers run across the warm loaf, then rip off a piece and caress the soft, fluffy core. Put it in your mouth and notice how it feels on your tongue. Pay attention to how your mouth produces saliva in preparation to devour the bread. Taste it, without trying to intellectualize it. Now, translate this approach to the bedroom!
Personally, when I’m stuck in my head, I find that more intense sensations can help: A hard pinch or a slap can do wonders when it comes to snapping you out of it.
If you have difficulties letting go, take your time to warm up and really connect with each other; make eye contact, talk, touch, and massage each other.
6¯
Leave your shame at the door
Apart from your overactive mind, shame prevents us from being present. Work on making your bedroom (and everywhere else you have sex) a shame-free zone.
The less of a fuck I give, the better of ‘a fuck’ I am…
I don’t generally refer to myself as ‘a fuck’, but you get my drift—and this is so true. On one hand, you want to care deeply about what you’re doing—then you want to not give a damn about being proper.
The best lovers I’ve had have also been the nastiest; not scared to admit what they like and not caring about political correctness or social acceptance in bed. These have helped me shed layers of shame and guilt as well. Breaking down barriers opens your mind to new opportunities, which brings me to my next point:
7¯
Use your imagination
Dare to play. Sex is serious business on one hand, but it’s also goddamn funny—and it should be a lot more fun than making coffee.
The man who has no imagination has no wings. ―Muhammad Ali
I recently published an article about the importance of playfulness and roleplay in sex; not only does it improve intimacy, but it also reduces stress, improves mental health and keeps us young!
To conclude…
All of the points above relate to, and feed into one another: When we dare to be open vocally, it becomes easier to be present, let go of shame and be playful. When we make something fun, we’re more likely to want to study and practice.
While knowing your way around the human body helps—like how you’ll only be able to improvise with an instrument if you know how to play it—good sex is a play of all of these elements.
Lastly, you can also be the most skilled lover out there, but chemistry is the spark that will light the fire. Without it, we can create heat, but we won’t be ablaze. Chemistry is the only thing we can’t practice or create. That, I can’t tell you how to do—that, you have to find.
