Yes, Kink is Childish—And That’s a Good Thing!
Unleash your inner-child and play your way to better physical and mental health
“My four years old daughter is an untamable brat with an affinity for age- and pet-play. The two of us are in a 24/7 power-dynamic where I’m desperately trying to dominate her— but in reality, she’s topping from the bottom, making me feel more like her slave than anything.”
This joke always makes all of my BDSM-friends laugh and nod concertedly. While it probably wouldn’t have the same resonance at the parent-teacher meeting, the other kinksters know exactly what I’m talking about.
However inappropriate, I sometimes joke that ‘kids are so damn kinky’. But obviously, I’m just flipping things on their heads: BDSM powerplay simply draws its inspiration from dynamics deep-rooted in human nature. And, there’s clearly nothing kinky about child’s play—but, there is something inherently childish about kink!
Roleplay is a vital part of a healthy childhood
Children roleplay and create imaginary scenes all the time; a crucial part of a child’s development this is how they learn to relate to the world and the people around them. They also use it as a tool to make sense of their experiences and even to process fears and trauma.
Fantasy is hardly an escape from reality. It’s a way of understanding. — Lloyd Alexander
Psychology Today states that not only does this type of play have cognitive benefits, “it allows the expression of both positive and negative feelings, and the modulation of affect; the ability to integrate emotion with cognition.”
Fluently moving from one role to another, kids pretend to be the baby in one moment, and a parent the next. They’ll be puppies or kittens crawling on all fours and then transition seamlessly into heroic knights and princesses, or cops and robbers. Often, they take turns being the one to call the shots and follow instructions.
Research suggests that make-believe games are forerunners of the important capacity for self-regulation including reduced aggression, delay of gratification, civility, and empathy. […]
An important benefit of early pretend play may be its enhancement of the child’s capacity for cognitive flexibility and, ultimately, creativity.
As adults, we’re supposed to get serious
When we grow up, we exceedingly stop playing. Perceived as unproductive, play is dismissed as useless and gratuitous, and instead, we’re expected to be responsible and professional. Besides, who has time for that stuff anyway?
The most sophisticated people I know — inside they are all children. ― Jim Henson
But, play is integral to mental, cognitive and physical health in adults as well, and is said to relieve stress, improve our relationships, and slow down the aging process:
Play has been shown to release endorphins, improve brain functionality, and stimulate creativity. And it can even help to keep us young and feeling energetic. Studies show that play improves memory and stimulates the growth of the cerebral cortex. Play has also been shown to trigger the secretion of BDNF, a substance essential for the growth of brain cells. —The Importance of Play in Adulthood, Wanderlust
While adult-play is defined by activities ranging from collecting stamps to flying kites, we hardly ever engage in the type of pretend play that we see in children. Other than dressing up for Halloween, Carnival or perhaps for a guest appearance as Santa Claus for Christmas, we’re given few opportunities to really step into a different role—or out of our roles as proper adults—depending on how you look at it.
But, there are some grown-ups that take roleplay to the next level.
BDSM is adult-level roleplay
A hundred years ago, Freud was telling us that anyone engaging in S&M related activities were mentally ill and in need of treatment (something he also capitalized heavily on, seeing that he and his team were some of the few fit to treat such ‘conditions’).
Updated research is proving, not only that Freud was wrong, but that participating in off-beat sexual activities can come with a plethora of physical and mental benefits. A study quoted in Psychology Today compared BDSM practitioners to published norms on 10 psychological disorders:
Compared to the normative samples, BDSM practitioners had lower levels of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), psychological sadism, psychological masochism, borderline pathology, and paranoia.
Another study in the same article, compared the two groups on major personality traits:
Their results showed that practitioners exhibited higher levels of extraversion, conscientiousness, openness to experience, and subjective well-being. They also showed lower levels of neuroticism and rejection sensitivity.
The four-letter acronym, which stands for Bondage, Discipline, Domination–Submission and Sadomasochism, involves a diverse range of activities and practices that all involve a degree of roleplaying. Most commonly, someone assumes a dominant role and the other a submissive role. Further some act out all kinds of scenes and characters.
Kinksters play, switch roles and live out scenarios, not all that different from what we do as children—with the obvious distinction being the added sexual component, elevating these activities to an adult level.
Imagination is our inner-child and creativity, its playground.― Jaeda DeWalt
Play your way to a natural high
Combining play with sex has further benefits: In addition to encouraging fidelity, improving intimacy and communication between couples, BDSM related activities can cause participants to enter altered states of consciousness similar to what we experience during meditation and yoga, or runner’s high.
One new study from the Psychology of Consciousness: Theory, Research, and Practice suggests the altered state of consciousness that attends dominating and/or being dominated by a sexual partner can lead to a state of “flow” that in turn enhances awareness and creativity. Inside Hook: Kinky Sex Will Make You More Creative, Well-Adjusted
My personal experience
I found BDSM after I broke out of a dysfunctional relationship and started reclaiming my sexual sovereignty. While I’ve always had a playful streak and was working in the creative field, I’d felt uninspired and lackluster for a long time. Tapping into this side of myself, I unleashed a well of creative energy.
I stopped watching TV and radically cut down on social media usage, and any screen time that involved passive consumption of entertainment—not because I believe it’s all bad, but because I suddenly had a million ideas and not enough time to execute.
Inspiration was found everywhere, not just related to sex, but in all aspects of my life. This was when it became clear to me that our libido and our creative energy are all the same thing (something for another story)—and also when I started writing creatively, apart from social media posts or copy for clients.
In a recent article about What I’ve Learned From Dating in the BDSM Scene, I talk about how it provided me with the skills and courage to clearly communicate my needs and wants. Beyond that, my experiences with letting go of control and inhibition through sexual power exchange and roleplay helped me process trauma, deal with anxiety, enhance clarity and focus—and make me more confident and comfortable in my own body.
Dare to err and to dream. Deep meaning often lies in childish plays. — Friedrich Schiller
In the interview with My Friend, Marco, who’s both a Buddhist and a sexual Sadist, he talks about how BDSM connects him to his primal side; “what some people would call our animal side.” He calls it “the core of our being”.
He continues to say that “first and foremost, being primal is about interacting on a pure and uninhibited level.”
Play connects us to our truest selves
Observing my daughter and her friends play over the last years, it’s occurred to me that beyond simply putting on roles, they use play as a way to plug into their pure, uninhibited selves.
Since young children have yet to be conditioned by societal norms and expectations, they easily elicit their candid, unfiltered states. Tapping into their inherent sense of wonder and imagination comes naturally to them.
Forgetting how to do this is a tremendous loss, and beyond missing out on all of its apparent health benefits, I believe that by abandoning play, we leave behind a fundamental component of our true nature.
So, even if swinging the flogger or crawling on all fours for your partner, isn’t your jam, topping our sex lives with a generous scoop of playfulness is never a bad move. On the contrary, it can potentially lead to improvements and expansion in all areas of our lives. And don't worry about being childish—reawakening your inner child might just be the anti-aging potion you need!
Logic will get you from A to Z, imagination will get you everywhere.—Einstein
Sources | Psychology Today: The Need for Pretend Play in Child Development, The Surprising Psychology of BDSM, BDSM, Personality and Mental Health, Wanderlust: The Importance of Play in Adulthood, VeryWellMind: The Health Benefits of BDSM
